I found this quote the other day and I would like to share it.
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them."
I feel like this is the answer to several questions that I have about life. As always, I am finding myself contemplating why exactly I was put on this earth, and what purpose, if any, I have in living my life. You know the really peppy people that talk about how life is a gift and they try and live every day to the fullest? Well, I don't think there are enough things in life to make me happy about living every day, and I know that is selfish to say, but it's honest.
For instance, I woke up this morning at 9:30 a.m. and stayed in my bed until 4 pm. Not because I was sick, or tired, or depressed, but because I had no reason to do anything else but lay in my bed all day long. No job or class to attend, no obligation to be at, no person waiting to see me. There was not one thing that I could think of that could get me to move.
On other days I have work, or class, or the mere fact that my roommate will think I am the laziest piece of shit, to force me to get up. But there isn't something that is extraordinary, or something that I am mad or passionate about, that makes me wake up and think, "It's a brand new day, what can I accomplish."
I had this patient, a teenage girl who found out 10 minutes before walking into my office that she was pregnant. Problems pretty much in every aspect of her life. As she was walking out of my office after our session she asked me how old I was. I told her I knew I looked young and her reply was, "I can't believe you are a few years older than me and you have a good job like this, you are doing something with your life."
When people congratulate people about graduating, I think it's bullshit. For some reason I cannot explain, I don't think I deserve to be recognized for doing something that thousands and thousands of people do every year. I also think that people who don't have the opportunity to go to school because of whatever factor, should think less of themselves because they don't have a piece of paper saying that they spent 4 years socializing and went to class when they felt it appropriate. I knew I was going to graduate just like I know I am going to get my Master's and my PhD. People keep telling me it is really respectable that I have all these long-term goals and that I know what I want to do with my life. I think I just keep going to school because I don't know what I want to do with my life, and the idea of working behind a desk 9-5 is my version of hell.
I want to find something that I am so fucking passionate about I have trouble sleeping every night because I am so excited about the next day. I haven't felt that feeling in such a long time and it just builds up. I'm exhausted from doing nothing. I want to feel alive. I just want something to make sense to me.
And as a sidenote, I am so utterly sick and disgusted of people who bring others down. Someone told me that everyone makes mistakes, that it is part of being human, and there is a day where you come to terms with this and just let it go. The next time you go to criticize a person, remember this, because one day you are going to do something so unbelievably not you and need someone to pick you up.
If anyone could share something that they really and truly love and might be able to inspire me in some way, I would really appreciate it.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
then you stand
I've had this new take on life the last couple of weeks; I'm just letting it happen. I've known I've said in the past I was going to do it, but this time I really have. I've allowed myself to let go, really just let go of a lot of built-up feelings. Not necessarily bad things, but things that were weighing me down. Surprisingly enough, it has made a huge impact on my life. In the past two weeks I have really been comfortable being myself. As impossible as it is to imagine, I've jumped a huge hurdle into not overanalyzing things. I'm just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me.
My latest thoughts have been about the loss of relationships throughout a lifetime, moreso in the friendship sense. For some reason I have noticed a steady pattern in my life of letting go of certain friendships, but there are a lot that have come back and mended themselves with time. This is an amazing phenomenon for me, because the thing that bothers me more than anything is losing a friend. I take my friendships extremely seriously and when that bond is broken for whatever reason, I honestly feel like there has been a death in my life.
I have really been lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I feel like a lot of people either have a good relationship with their high school friends or their college friends, and I have that with both. There is something about the people I hung out with in high school that keeps us together. Even though almost all of us went to different colleges, we have spent every single break together. It an extreme sense of comfort knowing that these people have remained in my life for so long and will continue to. They are the people that honestly do know me better than anyone else, and while it may come to bite me back in the ass sometimes, it is such an assuring feeling.
The friends I made in college were the people I always wanted in my life, but never had before. I know the best decision I made in my life was going to UD, because it made me open up a side of myself that I had never known before, but absolutely love. Its nice acting like an idiotic drunk, only to know your friends are right there with you. A lot of people told me that friendships would die after college, but here we are 6 months later, and I have kept in touch with almost everyone, even the people I thought I would never talk to again. When I am around these people I feel so care-free and not judged at all. They have seen me at my best and my worst, but they continue to love me anyways. I am forever grateful to the people who I shared those 4 years with.
Friendships change and grow with time, and the one thing I have come to realize is that they are unpredictable as shit. You never fully know a person, but things you would never expect to happen do. I guess that is part of learning who you are, when you realize that a person is taking away from how you see yourself. I've had some significant friendship losses throughout my life, even in childhood, which have affected me for a long time after. There's a point in life when you lose who you are, and I'm not saying it is the fault of the other person by any means, but you realize you need to take them out of the picture for some time. When you begin doing things you have been against your whole life, and acting out in ways you never thought possible, the only thing to do is cut those ties.
Luckily, time has brought a lot of close friends back to me. I guess that's why I'm just letting things happen right now. I have this year to not worry, and then I start looking into PhD programs. So until then, I've decided to take it easy. I'm enjoying the smaller things in life. Taking some time for myself, and spending time with people who I really feel are worthy of it. And that may sound bad, but I want to surround myself with people who are a positive influence on my life. It's a turning point; I'm done with the mornings where I wake up and am ashamed at my actions. I want to open myself up to the world and in return I want the world to show me everything it has to offer.
My latest thoughts have been about the loss of relationships throughout a lifetime, moreso in the friendship sense. For some reason I have noticed a steady pattern in my life of letting go of certain friendships, but there are a lot that have come back and mended themselves with time. This is an amazing phenomenon for me, because the thing that bothers me more than anything is losing a friend. I take my friendships extremely seriously and when that bond is broken for whatever reason, I honestly feel like there has been a death in my life.
I have really been lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I feel like a lot of people either have a good relationship with their high school friends or their college friends, and I have that with both. There is something about the people I hung out with in high school that keeps us together. Even though almost all of us went to different colleges, we have spent every single break together. It an extreme sense of comfort knowing that these people have remained in my life for so long and will continue to. They are the people that honestly do know me better than anyone else, and while it may come to bite me back in the ass sometimes, it is such an assuring feeling.
The friends I made in college were the people I always wanted in my life, but never had before. I know the best decision I made in my life was going to UD, because it made me open up a side of myself that I had never known before, but absolutely love. Its nice acting like an idiotic drunk, only to know your friends are right there with you. A lot of people told me that friendships would die after college, but here we are 6 months later, and I have kept in touch with almost everyone, even the people I thought I would never talk to again. When I am around these people I feel so care-free and not judged at all. They have seen me at my best and my worst, but they continue to love me anyways. I am forever grateful to the people who I shared those 4 years with.
Friendships change and grow with time, and the one thing I have come to realize is that they are unpredictable as shit. You never fully know a person, but things you would never expect to happen do. I guess that is part of learning who you are, when you realize that a person is taking away from how you see yourself. I've had some significant friendship losses throughout my life, even in childhood, which have affected me for a long time after. There's a point in life when you lose who you are, and I'm not saying it is the fault of the other person by any means, but you realize you need to take them out of the picture for some time. When you begin doing things you have been against your whole life, and acting out in ways you never thought possible, the only thing to do is cut those ties.
Luckily, time has brought a lot of close friends back to me. I guess that's why I'm just letting things happen right now. I have this year to not worry, and then I start looking into PhD programs. So until then, I've decided to take it easy. I'm enjoying the smaller things in life. Taking some time for myself, and spending time with people who I really feel are worthy of it. And that may sound bad, but I want to surround myself with people who are a positive influence on my life. It's a turning point; I'm done with the mornings where I wake up and am ashamed at my actions. I want to open myself up to the world and in return I want the world to show me everything it has to offer.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
i'm ready
Why am I in my apartment at midnight on a Saturday night when there is an attractive, nice, funny, guy I met last night who is continuously asking me to hang out with him right now? Because I am an idiot.
I'm an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with someone and give them every part of me and then having it ripped out of my life with no explanation at all, no closure, no nothing. Like I am just suddenly suppose to be okay and move on with my life.
I am so fucking sick of feeling like I have to hide everything that I am feeling. I don't care what people think of me right now, I don't care how many people are going to bitch at me for publicly posting this for everyone to see. I don't care who knows that I feel this way, because I do, and I fucking hate that this situation will not get out of my life, but it won't, and I have absolutley no idea what to do about it.
I hate being in this city, I hate that everything around here reminds me of him, that the mall and bookstore next to me are places he took me to, that he drove with me around this fucking neighborhood after my interview, that his friend is in my class. He won't go away, why can't he just go away.
I just wish I knew what I had to do to stop feeling like this. I just wish it was all gone, erased from my memory, everything. I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of beating myself up over this. It's like I'm in a constant competition with my head. I just want my closure and my life to move on. I honestly just want to move on, and I don't know when it is going to happen.
I'm so sick of hearing people who have been in long-term relationships, and people that are engaged, and people that are married, telling me that my day is going to come. Really, you don't know me, and you can't predict the fucking future, so don't proclaim your love and happiness onto me.
It's just different. You are with someone for so long that they become a part of who you are and no one else understand that. Its you and them vs. the world, and we had a hell of a time fighting off that world, but it's something that I could never put into words, it something that no one else will ever feel or share, it was us.
And it's time to move on, it's been time to move on for a while. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be over it. But maybe this is one of those things you get over, it is a piece of who you were and who you are and you just grow out of it.
I'm tired and I'm lonely and I'm scared I will never feel that way again. Someone just make it go away and let me find someone. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, and I want to find someone and make them happy and them make me happy and be head over heels and have a fairytale ending. I deserve happiness, I don't deserve feeling like this anymore. I did my time, I'm ready for my life to move on, so just do it already.
we never loved ourselves so well as when we lusted after another. we hummed along to electric guitars and the standard "whoa oh oh oh's" and we drank each other under the covers... give me the strength to be widowed now that the honeymoon's over.
I'm an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with someone and give them every part of me and then having it ripped out of my life with no explanation at all, no closure, no nothing. Like I am just suddenly suppose to be okay and move on with my life.
I am so fucking sick of feeling like I have to hide everything that I am feeling. I don't care what people think of me right now, I don't care how many people are going to bitch at me for publicly posting this for everyone to see. I don't care who knows that I feel this way, because I do, and I fucking hate that this situation will not get out of my life, but it won't, and I have absolutley no idea what to do about it.
I hate being in this city, I hate that everything around here reminds me of him, that the mall and bookstore next to me are places he took me to, that he drove with me around this fucking neighborhood after my interview, that his friend is in my class. He won't go away, why can't he just go away.
I just wish I knew what I had to do to stop feeling like this. I just wish it was all gone, erased from my memory, everything. I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of beating myself up over this. It's like I'm in a constant competition with my head. I just want my closure and my life to move on. I honestly just want to move on, and I don't know when it is going to happen.
I'm so sick of hearing people who have been in long-term relationships, and people that are engaged, and people that are married, telling me that my day is going to come. Really, you don't know me, and you can't predict the fucking future, so don't proclaim your love and happiness onto me.
It's just different. You are with someone for so long that they become a part of who you are and no one else understand that. Its you and them vs. the world, and we had a hell of a time fighting off that world, but it's something that I could never put into words, it something that no one else will ever feel or share, it was us.
And it's time to move on, it's been time to move on for a while. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be over it. But maybe this is one of those things you get over, it is a piece of who you were and who you are and you just grow out of it.
I'm tired and I'm lonely and I'm scared I will never feel that way again. Someone just make it go away and let me find someone. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, and I want to find someone and make them happy and them make me happy and be head over heels and have a fairytale ending. I deserve happiness, I don't deserve feeling like this anymore. I did my time, I'm ready for my life to move on, so just do it already.
we never loved ourselves so well as when we lusted after another. we hummed along to electric guitars and the standard "whoa oh oh oh's" and we drank each other under the covers... give me the strength to be widowed now that the honeymoon's over.
Monday, October 15, 2007
love actually is all around...?
Relationships. If I wasn't so burnt out from life right now I would try to write some amazing entry on the complexity yet beauty that relationships hold for people, but that will have to wait for another time. For the first time in my life everyone around me is in a relationship. My entire niche from high school has a significant other, my sister, my cousin's, most of my UD friends, and everyone in grad school is in a one or is engaged, or married. Seriously.
It's wierd, not in a bad way, but in a different way. When I went home last weekend it was all my friends, the people they are dating, and then me. Haha. I guess it's wierd because since high school began I was always the person in a relationship, and now things have done a 180. Funny thing is, I like it. I saw all of my friends, genuinely happy, in healthy relationships, and it gave me hope that there are good relationships out there, ones that work, that don't require constant effort, and I like knowing that all my friends have this happiness.
It is also wierd because for the first time in a long time I don't have time to think about relationships, except that hour before I go to sleep when I just want to have a really good phone conversation while smelling my sheets that still have their scent on them, or the nights where I want to curl up next to someone and wake up next to them and just smile because for those minutes all is well in the world.
I guess I'm just not use to this. This independence that I wanted for so long, I have it all, and I don't have anyone to share things with. The connection you have with friends is one thing, but there is something about a significant other that just makes you feel complete in a way. When things are so good or so bad you don't think twice about it, they are the first one you call. I kind of miss having that person to call, or moreso, being that person for someone else.
I know I am really maturing, because, another first for me, I am not settling. Not that I have settled in the past, but I've met guys, I've had people ask me out, and I'm being completely honest and telling them I don't want to waste their time. That sounds bad, but I want something real, and if it means waiting years to find it, I guess that is what I am going to have to do.
Maybe I'm lonely, or maybe I'm just really missing that feeling of comfort. You grow so close to someone, so attached, you know them better than you know yourself, and then it's gone. Picking up the pieces is a tedious process. I'm just waiting for something to happen in my life, not even a relationship, because I'm liking this freedom, but someone to give me butterflies
when I see their name across my phone.
I guess I just really want to know if I well ever feel that again.
It's wierd, not in a bad way, but in a different way. When I went home last weekend it was all my friends, the people they are dating, and then me. Haha. I guess it's wierd because since high school began I was always the person in a relationship, and now things have done a 180. Funny thing is, I like it. I saw all of my friends, genuinely happy, in healthy relationships, and it gave me hope that there are good relationships out there, ones that work, that don't require constant effort, and I like knowing that all my friends have this happiness.
It is also wierd because for the first time in a long time I don't have time to think about relationships, except that hour before I go to sleep when I just want to have a really good phone conversation while smelling my sheets that still have their scent on them, or the nights where I want to curl up next to someone and wake up next to them and just smile because for those minutes all is well in the world.
I guess I'm just not use to this. This independence that I wanted for so long, I have it all, and I don't have anyone to share things with. The connection you have with friends is one thing, but there is something about a significant other that just makes you feel complete in a way. When things are so good or so bad you don't think twice about it, they are the first one you call. I kind of miss having that person to call, or moreso, being that person for someone else.
I know I am really maturing, because, another first for me, I am not settling. Not that I have settled in the past, but I've met guys, I've had people ask me out, and I'm being completely honest and telling them I don't want to waste their time. That sounds bad, but I want something real, and if it means waiting years to find it, I guess that is what I am going to have to do.
Maybe I'm lonely, or maybe I'm just really missing that feeling of comfort. You grow so close to someone, so attached, you know them better than you know yourself, and then it's gone. Picking up the pieces is a tedious process. I'm just waiting for something to happen in my life, not even a relationship, because I'm liking this freedom, but someone to give me butterflies
when I see their name across my phone.
I guess I just really want to know if I well ever feel that again.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Unpredictible is an understatement
If someone would have told me one year ago where I would be today, I wouldn't believe them. It's amazing the changes that have happened in just a year, and it really makes me wonder where I am going to be a year from right now.
I've taken a much better outlook on my life in the past few days. I am really luck to be where I am right now. Grad school, let alone Case, is something I didn't know if I would be able to accomplish. My internship is probably one of the most rewarding things I have done in my life. It's hard, especially emotionally, but I'm making a difference. Seeing these pregnant girls walk into my office and tell me their stories and want to do something with there lives and knowing a part of it is in my hands is sureal. I had a woman the other day say that I helped her in more ways than she could imagine and she felt a real weight lifted off her shoulders. I am helping people, and that is all I really want to do in my life. Make someone else's life a little bit easier. It is a real genuine happiness that I haven't felt in a while.
I've also made some really good friends. People who are passionate about the same things I am. It's wierd, because we are all going to school for the same thing, and everyone just clicks. I'm the awkward and random one and I love it. I feel like I can really be myself around these people and that is comforting. No one judges you.
I'm learning that people come and go in your life, and you really have to cherish the people that stay in it. I met so many people in undergrad that changed me, made me a better person, and made me realize how capable I am and strengths I never knew I possessed. Not being around these people every day just makes me realize how important they are in my life. I want to challenge people to not take for granted those that are in their lives. I've been doing things that I am semi-hesitant about lately. You know when you really want to do something but sometime is holding you back? I'm just going for it lately, whether it is starting a conversation with someone I haven't had in my life for a while, or stepping out of my comfort zone, and the truth is it really does pay off.
I've done a lot of things in my 22 years that I am proud of, and some that were not my brightest moment, but I'm not perfect. I'm human, I've make mistakes and I've done things that I don't think reflect who I really am. But I've had people stick through thick and thin with me and it's those people who make me want to get up and do something with my life. I've always known I would never be one of those people with a desk job, putting figures into a computer all day. I need to be active, I need to be an advocate for something I believe in.
I don't know where I'll be a year from now, hell I don't know what I am going to be doing tomorrow, but I'm finally okay with that. I'm letting life happen. You take it one day at a time and stay thankful for the experiences that you have had. Every day isn't going to be a great one, but I'm really trying to make the most of what I have each day.
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
I've taken a much better outlook on my life in the past few days. I am really luck to be where I am right now. Grad school, let alone Case, is something I didn't know if I would be able to accomplish. My internship is probably one of the most rewarding things I have done in my life. It's hard, especially emotionally, but I'm making a difference. Seeing these pregnant girls walk into my office and tell me their stories and want to do something with there lives and knowing a part of it is in my hands is sureal. I had a woman the other day say that I helped her in more ways than she could imagine and she felt a real weight lifted off her shoulders. I am helping people, and that is all I really want to do in my life. Make someone else's life a little bit easier. It is a real genuine happiness that I haven't felt in a while.
I've also made some really good friends. People who are passionate about the same things I am. It's wierd, because we are all going to school for the same thing, and everyone just clicks. I'm the awkward and random one and I love it. I feel like I can really be myself around these people and that is comforting. No one judges you.
I'm learning that people come and go in your life, and you really have to cherish the people that stay in it. I met so many people in undergrad that changed me, made me a better person, and made me realize how capable I am and strengths I never knew I possessed. Not being around these people every day just makes me realize how important they are in my life. I want to challenge people to not take for granted those that are in their lives. I've been doing things that I am semi-hesitant about lately. You know when you really want to do something but sometime is holding you back? I'm just going for it lately, whether it is starting a conversation with someone I haven't had in my life for a while, or stepping out of my comfort zone, and the truth is it really does pay off.
I've done a lot of things in my 22 years that I am proud of, and some that were not my brightest moment, but I'm not perfect. I'm human, I've make mistakes and I've done things that I don't think reflect who I really am. But I've had people stick through thick and thin with me and it's those people who make me want to get up and do something with my life. I've always known I would never be one of those people with a desk job, putting figures into a computer all day. I need to be active, I need to be an advocate for something I believe in.
I don't know where I'll be a year from now, hell I don't know what I am going to be doing tomorrow, but I'm finally okay with that. I'm letting life happen. You take it one day at a time and stay thankful for the experiences that you have had. Every day isn't going to be a great one, but I'm really trying to make the most of what I have each day.
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
And I feel nothing, not safe
I don't even have time to write in here anymore. My life is no longer my own.
So many things have happened, yet so little has happened. Grad school is hard, not a 'this is impossible' sense, but in a 'takes up all of your time every day' sense. I'm just exhausted all of the time, and once I think I've caught up it all starts over again. Not to mention, my internship is emotionally draining. I think I've over-involved myself and I had no idea what I was getting into. I don't even know if this is what I want to do with my life.
It just seems like I am putting so much time and effort into something I am unsure about. I always had a plan for my life, and everytime I get a step closer to what I wanted, I can't tell if it is really what I did want.
I envy so many people right now. I wish I could be back at UD; I still haven't gotten it through my head that things will never be the same. I'm longing for a place that no longer exists. I'm missing a lot of people, just missing the comfort of always having someone around to cheer you up, or ask you to go out for a beer and catch up, I need to be around people that I know care about me.
I always do this. I wanted to move to a new city and start all over, and now I wish I was anywhere but here. I hate change, hate it, so why did I decide to change everything in my life? I keep telling myself it is going to be worth it, but I think I just say it to try and make myself feel better, which isn't happening.
I'm exhausted and lonely and waiting for something to happen that gives me a little indication that this is where I am suppose to be right now. I need something to save me.
Do you ever feel like you will never truly be happy again?
So many things have happened, yet so little has happened. Grad school is hard, not a 'this is impossible' sense, but in a 'takes up all of your time every day' sense. I'm just exhausted all of the time, and once I think I've caught up it all starts over again. Not to mention, my internship is emotionally draining. I think I've over-involved myself and I had no idea what I was getting into. I don't even know if this is what I want to do with my life.
It just seems like I am putting so much time and effort into something I am unsure about. I always had a plan for my life, and everytime I get a step closer to what I wanted, I can't tell if it is really what I did want.
I envy so many people right now. I wish I could be back at UD; I still haven't gotten it through my head that things will never be the same. I'm longing for a place that no longer exists. I'm missing a lot of people, just missing the comfort of always having someone around to cheer you up, or ask you to go out for a beer and catch up, I need to be around people that I know care about me.
I always do this. I wanted to move to a new city and start all over, and now I wish I was anywhere but here. I hate change, hate it, so why did I decide to change everything in my life? I keep telling myself it is going to be worth it, but I think I just say it to try and make myself feel better, which isn't happening.
I'm exhausted and lonely and waiting for something to happen that gives me a little indication that this is where I am suppose to be right now. I need something to save me.
Do you ever feel like you will never truly be happy again?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
it all just feels so wrong
I think I had too high of expectation for moving. For some reason I thought I would live in a building full of people my age, become great friends with all of them, drink, laugh, and be happy. Needless to say, this did not happen.
It's not that I'm not liking Cleveland, but I'm not at UD anymore, and I'm missing that familiarity; being able to walk to everyone's houses, staying up late talking and drinking and goofing off, being with all my favorite people, being comfortable, feeling wanted, etc. When I arrived at UD it felt so right, and everything about this move just doesn't. And I know I fear change and I have to give it more time than a week and a half, but I'm just not happy.
It doesn't help that I didn't have electricity for 2 days, they keep pushing our internet date back, and my room is so f'ing hot I can't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time. It's boring. I guess in a way it is nice because I have spent more time talking to people on the phone in the past week than I have in the past year, but I just feel like life is uneventful. UD was never boring, and now I'm in a whole new city, and I feel like there are so many possibilities, but I am just wasting my life away.
Case is going to be so much harder than I anticipated and all I want is someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't feel like I fit it, and I'm really contemplating if this is the right decision for me. I miss feeling wanted and loved and needed. I'm just sad all of the time; really sad.
One last Phone call from you
It wouldn’t hurt much
I'd just like to hear your voice
And pretend to touch
Any inch of you that hasn’t
Said it all or read it all..
or sung my life away
It's not that I'm not liking Cleveland, but I'm not at UD anymore, and I'm missing that familiarity; being able to walk to everyone's houses, staying up late talking and drinking and goofing off, being with all my favorite people, being comfortable, feeling wanted, etc. When I arrived at UD it felt so right, and everything about this move just doesn't. And I know I fear change and I have to give it more time than a week and a half, but I'm just not happy.
It doesn't help that I didn't have electricity for 2 days, they keep pushing our internet date back, and my room is so f'ing hot I can't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time. It's boring. I guess in a way it is nice because I have spent more time talking to people on the phone in the past week than I have in the past year, but I just feel like life is uneventful. UD was never boring, and now I'm in a whole new city, and I feel like there are so many possibilities, but I am just wasting my life away.
Case is going to be so much harder than I anticipated and all I want is someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't feel like I fit it, and I'm really contemplating if this is the right decision for me. I miss feeling wanted and loved and needed. I'm just sad all of the time; really sad.
One last Phone call from you
It wouldn’t hurt much
I'd just like to hear your voice
And pretend to touch
Any inch of you that hasn’t
Said it all or read it all..
or sung my life away
Monday, August 13, 2007
coffee & cigarettes
I move in 2 days. How do I feel? Relieved.
I feel like Cleveland is a new beginning. I know very few people there, so I can be whomever I want to be. I've had my inner artist come out the past few weeks. Wierd that I wished to be an artist, and I'm being creative in my own odd way.
I've decided I'm going to dedicate a huge amount of time to discovering bands. I've always done this, but with the help of others. I've been taking some risks, going out of my 'comfort zone' of music, and finding some really amazing things. Once this is accomplished I am give people the opportunity to tell me what kind of music they want to hear, and I'm going to make CDs. Spread the word about artists who don't get the recognition that they deserve. Plus giving music to people is one of the most cathartic things for me.
I've found a lot of comfort lately in bookstores, photography, and painting. Things I've always secretly loved, but never really shared with anyone. We will see how it goes.
I'm ready to meet someone I can stay up for hours with, talking about important issues, drink coffee with, and laugh. I'm not even talking relationship, just someone who understands and accepts me.
I feel like Cleveland is a new beginning. I know very few people there, so I can be whomever I want to be. I've had my inner artist come out the past few weeks. Wierd that I wished to be an artist, and I'm being creative in my own odd way.
I've decided I'm going to dedicate a huge amount of time to discovering bands. I've always done this, but with the help of others. I've been taking some risks, going out of my 'comfort zone' of music, and finding some really amazing things. Once this is accomplished I am give people the opportunity to tell me what kind of music they want to hear, and I'm going to make CDs. Spread the word about artists who don't get the recognition that they deserve. Plus giving music to people is one of the most cathartic things for me.
I've found a lot of comfort lately in bookstores, photography, and painting. Things I've always secretly loved, but never really shared with anyone. We will see how it goes.
I'm ready to meet someone I can stay up for hours with, talking about important issues, drink coffee with, and laugh. I'm not even talking relationship, just someone who understands and accepts me.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
i wish i was an artist
I've been really down lately. I don't know what is, but I just feel like everything in my life is falling apart. The thing is, it isn't. There is absolutley nothing wrong with anything, but I can't manage to stay happy. I keep telling myself I just have to wait until I get to Cleveland and start from scratch and things will be okay. But I always think things will be better when I have a change of scenary, and I know that always isn't true.
It's hard to imagine that we aren't going back to UD. I just keep thinking of last summer and how anxious I was to live in the ghetto and see everyone and just have fun. I was so aware of what I wanted then, and now I just feel so lost.
I envy people who are passionate about things and have outlets. I don't have anything that I am really good at and people admire me for. I don't have something that I can turn to when I want to shut the world out.
I was cleaning out my room the other day and I found so many things from high school that I had forgotten about. Especially my journal. I use to write almost everyday, and it wasn't bs, it was some pretty deep stuff that helped me stay balance. I just don't have that in me anymore. Nothing to push me to do things that I use to love.
What stops us from doing what we want? What we truly believe is right. Fear? Rejection? Because I don't think it gets much worse than this.
Days are becoming repetitive, people are becoming uninteresting, and I just wish I could find one thing that appeals to me. That allows me to make some difference in the world. That people could look at me and think I really had my life together.
I want to fit in, and I want to stand out. I want to believe that I have some purpose in this world. It's so cliche, but I just want something to live for.
But no one gets what they really want.
We love only when it's convenient.
We act like we know more than we know.
We treat love like it's something you own.
But maybe I'll find you.
Maybe I'll find something I love.
It's hard to imagine that we aren't going back to UD. I just keep thinking of last summer and how anxious I was to live in the ghetto and see everyone and just have fun. I was so aware of what I wanted then, and now I just feel so lost.
I envy people who are passionate about things and have outlets. I don't have anything that I am really good at and people admire me for. I don't have something that I can turn to when I want to shut the world out.
I was cleaning out my room the other day and I found so many things from high school that I had forgotten about. Especially my journal. I use to write almost everyday, and it wasn't bs, it was some pretty deep stuff that helped me stay balance. I just don't have that in me anymore. Nothing to push me to do things that I use to love.
What stops us from doing what we want? What we truly believe is right. Fear? Rejection? Because I don't think it gets much worse than this.
Days are becoming repetitive, people are becoming uninteresting, and I just wish I could find one thing that appeals to me. That allows me to make some difference in the world. That people could look at me and think I really had my life together.
I want to fit in, and I want to stand out. I want to believe that I have some purpose in this world. It's so cliche, but I just want something to live for.
But no one gets what they really want.
We love only when it's convenient.
We act like we know more than we know.
We treat love like it's something you own.
But maybe I'll find you.
Maybe I'll find something I love.
Monday, July 23, 2007
who do you want to be?
Most people try to 'find themselves' in college. They leave behind the world that they have known for 18 years and expose themselves to new people and new experiences. And through these 4 years they develop a deeper sense of who they are as a person.
Looking back on my college experience, I don't think I found myself. I think I exposed myself to an entirely different world than I had known in the past, and through these experiences, these people, I took bits and pieces and formed what I would like my future to become.
I haven't found the person that I think I am suppose to be yet, but from this experience I have learned what I do want to become, and what I do not want to become.
Late night thoughts as I can't find it in myself to fall asleep...
Looking back on my college experience, I don't think I found myself. I think I exposed myself to an entirely different world than I had known in the past, and through these experiences, these people, I took bits and pieces and formed what I would like my future to become.
I haven't found the person that I think I am suppose to be yet, but from this experience I have learned what I do want to become, and what I do not want to become.
Late night thoughts as I can't find it in myself to fall asleep...
Monday, July 16, 2007
Confident, yet cautious
The other night I went out in a fashion I am not accustomed too. I just got my hair chopped, so I did some funky style with it, put on a rocker-ish dress that I found as a bargain, and waited to see where the night would take me. We decided to go to a bar we had heard was a pretty good time, and when I found out there was live music that night I was all-in. At one point in the night I made eye contact with a guy across the room. Hands down one of the most attractive people I have ever seen in my life. I thought to myself there would be no chance that this guy would take a second look at me, but with some urging from my friends I decided I would go talk to him; hell I didn't put on a dress for nothing. He ended up being a really nice guy, buying me drinks and talking all night. It wasn't until the bar was about to close that I found out he was a pro baseball player (I admit, I didn't believe it, looked him up later, and he definitley wasn't lying). The point to this story: wear a dress and you can get an athlete to fall for you. But in all seriousness, I found a deeper meaning in this one night, as far-fetched as it may be.
I let myself settle. I don't give myself enough credit and don't go for the things that I really want, and probably do deserve, seeing as though I'm not a completely horrible person. I didn't think this guy would be interested in me, and he was at least for a night. He spent that night getting to know me, not trying anything, and it really gave me a sense of confidence. I didn't think I would get into Case, and applied because one of my teachers pushed me. And I got in. I don't have enough faith in myself, and because I hate rejection so much I don't go for things. Things that I honestly have a shot at.
I think this is the difference between being confident and cocky. It's nice to see people with self-confidence, believing in themselves and constantly pushing to get what they really want. I want to be able to do this more often. If I really want something, I want to go for it. In education, in a profession, and even with cute guys that are fun to look at. I'm at the age I always dreamed of being, and it seems like I don't really have many dreams for myself right now. I want to change that.
I let myself settle. I don't give myself enough credit and don't go for the things that I really want, and probably do deserve, seeing as though I'm not a completely horrible person. I didn't think this guy would be interested in me, and he was at least for a night. He spent that night getting to know me, not trying anything, and it really gave me a sense of confidence. I didn't think I would get into Case, and applied because one of my teachers pushed me. And I got in. I don't have enough faith in myself, and because I hate rejection so much I don't go for things. Things that I honestly have a shot at.
I think this is the difference between being confident and cocky. It's nice to see people with self-confidence, believing in themselves and constantly pushing to get what they really want. I want to be able to do this more often. If I really want something, I want to go for it. In education, in a profession, and even with cute guys that are fun to look at. I'm at the age I always dreamed of being, and it seems like I don't really have many dreams for myself right now. I want to change that.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Time is gunna take my mind, and carry it far away...
I had a dream last night, an extremely vivid dream. I've read in psych books that you don't dream in color, but in this dream I saw everything in color. I could tell you the exact clothing people were wearing, the fragrances in the air, it was like my senses were at their peak and everything was just so... real.
I hate trying to explain dreams to other people, because no matter how hard you try you can never give them the full affect to what you experienced in it. The dream I had was a "what if," if you will. It was based off a significant event that happened in my life quite a while ago, but it was showing me what would have happened if I would have taken a different path, ergo, the "what if." The entire time I felt like this was where my life was suppose to lead me; there was such intensity in every move that I made and everything just seemed right. At the end of the dream something happened that made me do a 180.
I woke up with that feeling like the dream was reality, and in the dazed confusion I felt like it was a sign from something bigger, something I couldn't control. As ridiculous as it may sound, I feel like this dream was giving me a message. I've spent a lot of time this summer contemplating decisions I have made in my life and wondering if where I am is where I'm suppose to be. Waking up from this dream was the first time I felt complete, like I am on the right path and every choice that I have made up to this point has happened for a reason that I don't understand now, but will someday. It sounds cliche, but I really feel like someone is trying to tell me something.
Anyways, it's offically my favorite holiday. Did I really graduate 2 months ago? Am I really moving next month? I'm starting to like the feeling of not knowing what is going to happen next.
I hate trying to explain dreams to other people, because no matter how hard you try you can never give them the full affect to what you experienced in it. The dream I had was a "what if," if you will. It was based off a significant event that happened in my life quite a while ago, but it was showing me what would have happened if I would have taken a different path, ergo, the "what if." The entire time I felt like this was where my life was suppose to lead me; there was such intensity in every move that I made and everything just seemed right. At the end of the dream something happened that made me do a 180.
I woke up with that feeling like the dream was reality, and in the dazed confusion I felt like it was a sign from something bigger, something I couldn't control. As ridiculous as it may sound, I feel like this dream was giving me a message. I've spent a lot of time this summer contemplating decisions I have made in my life and wondering if where I am is where I'm suppose to be. Waking up from this dream was the first time I felt complete, like I am on the right path and every choice that I have made up to this point has happened for a reason that I don't understand now, but will someday. It sounds cliche, but I really feel like someone is trying to tell me something.
Anyways, it's offically my favorite holiday. Did I really graduate 2 months ago? Am I really moving next month? I'm starting to like the feeling of not knowing what is going to happen next.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
In your weakest moment
I've been listening to a lot of CDs from the 90s lately; CDs that I bought because there was one song I liked on them from the radio, but now have grown into appreciating the music, and really have a connection to the lyrics.
My favorite time of day is post-shower, laying on the floor of my bath tub, listening to said CDs, and allowing myself to be free from all restrain. I don't know what it is, but for those minutes I am at ease with myself. Something as simple as the moisture on the walls of the shower can keep me entertained and I am content with the lonliness.
I want to make a dramatic change in my life, moreso my appearance. Not for the attention of others, but to make me feel more like me. I wish your inner feelings reflected on your outward appearance. I would look fucking sweet.
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder, is there anything
I'm gonna miss
My favorite time of day is post-shower, laying on the floor of my bath tub, listening to said CDs, and allowing myself to be free from all restrain. I don't know what it is, but for those minutes I am at ease with myself. Something as simple as the moisture on the walls of the shower can keep me entertained and I am content with the lonliness.
I want to make a dramatic change in my life, moreso my appearance. Not for the attention of others, but to make me feel more like me. I wish your inner feelings reflected on your outward appearance. I would look fucking sweet.
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder, is there anything
I'm gonna miss
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Let It All Out
It's one of those times in life where everything is happening around you and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. I fear change, because I find comfort in what I know. However, I've learned there are very few things that are actually what you think they are, and so I'm letting life take me where it wants to. No more planning, just trusting that whatever is suppose to happen will.
I've been finding a lot of comfort in lyrics lately; nothing new there. I like these ones, because they seem to apply equally to everything I am feeling.
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need
And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there
And I'll let it be known
At time I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength
I've been finding a lot of comfort in lyrics lately; nothing new there. I like these ones, because they seem to apply equally to everything I am feeling.
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need
And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there
And I'll let it be known
At time I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Misery vs. True Happiness
"You are my only source of misery, yet my only source of true happiness."
Ever since I heard this it is something I reflect on constantly, because it is one of the truest statments that I have come into contact with. That is exactly what relationships are, giving yourself to another person entirely, trusting them with your heart, and hoping that it will last forever, and if not, that it won't hurt too bad when it is over.
I'm a people person. I thrive being around a crowd, and I would be content sitting in a park people-watching for hours at a time. One thing I have noticed about people in relationships is that when two people commit to eachother they put themselves on a level different from everyone else in their lives. This person that you feels meets the qualities that you could perminently entangle yourself in is not only your partner and best friend, but your biggest critic and often times the one that, frankly, you put all of your shit on. You find this person that you feel is perfect for you, that you feel something for that you don't get from anyone else, yet it is so easy to constantly nag and bitch and act like everything they do is not good enough for you. They love you, unconditionally, with all of your flaws, yet that just doesn't seem good enough.
Everyone does it. I could get into a fight with a friend or roommate, tell them to fuck off, and wake up the next morning and we would be fine, like nothing happened. Yet when you are in a relationship and you tell someone to fuck off, that is only the beginning. It ensues into a fight, past fights, a list of things that you both don't like about each other is made, and you are hurt. You go around walking on eggshells because you don't want to start another argument, but this only ruins the communication barrier.
So than why do so many people want relationships? That feeling you get when you are with that other person, laying around, knowing you can be yourself and you are not being judged. This person has chosen you to be with, and despite your imperfections that they have realized they still want to be with you. Those moments, the ones where you are laying in a bed, sweatpants and all, looking at that other person, breathing in their scent, having their arms around you, a complete sense of security, those are the moments that make life worth living for. Love, complete and unselfish, giving and pure, the piece of you that has been missing is now found, and you have a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to want to make something out of your life, a person that you want to make proud and for them to want to show you off to the world; "yes, they are with me, and i couldn't be happier."
Love is life. That is the embodiment of my tattoo. Amore; love. Without it life is meaningless, and with it life is complicated. When we have it we complain that it isn't enough, and when we lose it, we struggle to find ourselves because we are in a sense lost. They don't want you anymore; you didn't just lose a partner, you lost your best friend, the other part of yourself, and everything that you believed to be real and true. Now where do you go?
I am so scared to love. It scares the fuck out of me every second of everyday. I build walls all of the time, hide my feelings, do things that even I don't understand, because I don't want to subject myself to that misery. I'm jealous of those people who get it right on their first shot, who don't know what a broken heart feels like. and who don't have to contemplate giving love another chance.
You can have true happiness, but you are risking misery. Is that a gamble you are willing to take?
Ever since I heard this it is something I reflect on constantly, because it is one of the truest statments that I have come into contact with. That is exactly what relationships are, giving yourself to another person entirely, trusting them with your heart, and hoping that it will last forever, and if not, that it won't hurt too bad when it is over.
I'm a people person. I thrive being around a crowd, and I would be content sitting in a park people-watching for hours at a time. One thing I have noticed about people in relationships is that when two people commit to eachother they put themselves on a level different from everyone else in their lives. This person that you feels meets the qualities that you could perminently entangle yourself in is not only your partner and best friend, but your biggest critic and often times the one that, frankly, you put all of your shit on. You find this person that you feel is perfect for you, that you feel something for that you don't get from anyone else, yet it is so easy to constantly nag and bitch and act like everything they do is not good enough for you. They love you, unconditionally, with all of your flaws, yet that just doesn't seem good enough.
Everyone does it. I could get into a fight with a friend or roommate, tell them to fuck off, and wake up the next morning and we would be fine, like nothing happened. Yet when you are in a relationship and you tell someone to fuck off, that is only the beginning. It ensues into a fight, past fights, a list of things that you both don't like about each other is made, and you are hurt. You go around walking on eggshells because you don't want to start another argument, but this only ruins the communication barrier.
So than why do so many people want relationships? That feeling you get when you are with that other person, laying around, knowing you can be yourself and you are not being judged. This person has chosen you to be with, and despite your imperfections that they have realized they still want to be with you. Those moments, the ones where you are laying in a bed, sweatpants and all, looking at that other person, breathing in their scent, having their arms around you, a complete sense of security, those are the moments that make life worth living for. Love, complete and unselfish, giving and pure, the piece of you that has been missing is now found, and you have a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to want to make something out of your life, a person that you want to make proud and for them to want to show you off to the world; "yes, they are with me, and i couldn't be happier."
Love is life. That is the embodiment of my tattoo. Amore; love. Without it life is meaningless, and with it life is complicated. When we have it we complain that it isn't enough, and when we lose it, we struggle to find ourselves because we are in a sense lost. They don't want you anymore; you didn't just lose a partner, you lost your best friend, the other part of yourself, and everything that you believed to be real and true. Now where do you go?
I am so scared to love. It scares the fuck out of me every second of everyday. I build walls all of the time, hide my feelings, do things that even I don't understand, because I don't want to subject myself to that misery. I'm jealous of those people who get it right on their first shot, who don't know what a broken heart feels like. and who don't have to contemplate giving love another chance.
You can have true happiness, but you are risking misery. Is that a gamble you are willing to take?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
a permanent reminder of something you can't let go
I've tried to write something meaningful for the last 45 minutes and it just isn't happening. My head isn't clear, my thoughts aren't straight, and frankly I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life anymore. I'm searching for something that I cannot find and I'm hiding behind song lyrics trying to make sense of whatever this quarter-life crisis is that I am going through. I want something to make my life whole, something that gives me a reason to live. I want to return to a time in my life where there was no confusion, no second guessing, complete innocence and bliss.
I'm thinking about a second tatttoo. I've always wanted three. The second one has to do with my adoption, where I came from, and a permanent answer to a lot of questions I have rehearsed over and over in my head. I'm not really sure how you capture the feeling of being adopted into a tattoo, especially when you know nothing about your adoption. I'm thinking about getting a celtic knot. I've been doing some research and this is what is written about celtic knots: "Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people."
When I really started grasping the concept of my adoption I hated the fact that I was given up, that someone could just give up their child like that without thinking about it twice. I remember talking about it with a teacher in high school and she told me it takes a certain type of person to give up their child knowing that they will have a better life, an unconditional love. So in a sense even though I don't know this woman, she is the reason I came into this world and I will leave the world with a piece of her still in me.
It's a rough idea, but I'm liking where my mind is going with it. And when people saying getting tattoo-ed is addicting, they aren't lying.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two big places right now. Graduating from college and coming to the realizations that everyone is going through sucks really bad. Then thinking about graduate school and moving to a new city and starting from scratch is a refreshing yet scary as hell thought. My life has always been so planned; I've always known my next move. Knowing nothing terrifies me. People keep telling me that I'm so lucky because I get to continue with school and I'm not going to be unemployed living in my parents house. But I hate leaving everything behind, I hate goodbyes, I hate feeling so incomplete.
I worry too much and I think into things way too much.
I need reassurance that everything will be okay.
And I miss my best friend.
I'm thinking about a second tatttoo. I've always wanted three. The second one has to do with my adoption, where I came from, and a permanent answer to a lot of questions I have rehearsed over and over in my head. I'm not really sure how you capture the feeling of being adopted into a tattoo, especially when you know nothing about your adoption. I'm thinking about getting a celtic knot. I've been doing some research and this is what is written about celtic knots: "Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people."
When I really started grasping the concept of my adoption I hated the fact that I was given up, that someone could just give up their child like that without thinking about it twice. I remember talking about it with a teacher in high school and she told me it takes a certain type of person to give up their child knowing that they will have a better life, an unconditional love. So in a sense even though I don't know this woman, she is the reason I came into this world and I will leave the world with a piece of her still in me.
It's a rough idea, but I'm liking where my mind is going with it. And when people saying getting tattoo-ed is addicting, they aren't lying.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two big places right now. Graduating from college and coming to the realizations that everyone is going through sucks really bad. Then thinking about graduate school and moving to a new city and starting from scratch is a refreshing yet scary as hell thought. My life has always been so planned; I've always known my next move. Knowing nothing terrifies me. People keep telling me that I'm so lucky because I get to continue with school and I'm not going to be unemployed living in my parents house. But I hate leaving everything behind, I hate goodbyes, I hate feeling so incomplete.
I worry too much and I think into things way too much.
I need reassurance that everything will be okay.
And I miss my best friend.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
maybe i'm just tired, tired of never knowing
I've recently started watching the first season of Big Love; an HBO series about polygamy. While I don't want to go through the politics of the show, it has sparked something inside of me that I believe is true. I've written about this before, but I it has been cluttering most of my thoughts lately. One thing that was discussed in the Christian Marriage class that I took was whether or not there is one person for every one out there. I don't believe in soulmates in the form of a sexual or marital soulmate. There is an article a friend gave me before I left for college about soulmates in another sense, which I will dig up from the boxes in my room one of these days and write about, but for now I will try and stay on task as to when this entry is going to have a point.
The idea of there being one person for every person out there is rather juvenile to say the least. Out of all the people in this world, I garuntee there is more than one that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel that inevitable bliss, or that you can stand to spend the rest of your life with without wanting to throw them out of the house every other day. I want to believe that everything in life happens for a reason because that sounds so promising, but it is still something that I cannot except. Since this is my personal journal I will you myself as an example. My mother gave me up, I was given to the family I now have, I was put into the school system they chose until I was 14, then picked schools up until where I am now. I've dated quite a few people and had a couple serious relationships, but if I was given to another family I would have had another set of schools and another set of relationships.
Every action that we take, the moment we get out of bed in the morning, determines what will happen in our lives. Some of the things we do, and some of the things that strangers we cross paths with everyday, determine at least part of our lives. That is why innocent people are killed by drunk drivers or shot in the middle of buying groceries. This puts a lot of pressure on our every movement.
So in this world filled with people, there are more than a few that we can form a real connection with. Someone to open ourselves up to, share our hopes and our fears, and commit to for a lifetime, or at least with the promise of a lifetime. If this is true, then how come I feel so fucking alone all of the time? Maybe happiness is a figment of our imagination and we create what we want when we want it. Or maybe I just haven't found something real yet. I don't want to believe the latter, but these days I don't really believe in much of anything.
"If I can be saved
Show me the way
Help me help myself, baby"
The idea of there being one person for every person out there is rather juvenile to say the least. Out of all the people in this world, I garuntee there is more than one that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel that inevitable bliss, or that you can stand to spend the rest of your life with without wanting to throw them out of the house every other day. I want to believe that everything in life happens for a reason because that sounds so promising, but it is still something that I cannot except. Since this is my personal journal I will you myself as an example. My mother gave me up, I was given to the family I now have, I was put into the school system they chose until I was 14, then picked schools up until where I am now. I've dated quite a few people and had a couple serious relationships, but if I was given to another family I would have had another set of schools and another set of relationships.
Every action that we take, the moment we get out of bed in the morning, determines what will happen in our lives. Some of the things we do, and some of the things that strangers we cross paths with everyday, determine at least part of our lives. That is why innocent people are killed by drunk drivers or shot in the middle of buying groceries. This puts a lot of pressure on our every movement.
So in this world filled with people, there are more than a few that we can form a real connection with. Someone to open ourselves up to, share our hopes and our fears, and commit to for a lifetime, or at least with the promise of a lifetime. If this is true, then how come I feel so fucking alone all of the time? Maybe happiness is a figment of our imagination and we create what we want when we want it. Or maybe I just haven't found something real yet. I don't want to believe the latter, but these days I don't really believe in much of anything.
"If I can be saved
Show me the way
Help me help myself, baby"
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Alcohol, sex, fate
I whole-heartedly believe that our lives are made real because of the people that enter them. Whether it is our family, those that have been with us through the good and the bad, and even when we didn't want them there, or the strangers that we become acquainted with one night and never meet again. It is because of these people, the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, the brushes with fate as I refer hopefully to them, that we are able to feel something beyond what we can do ourselves.
This brings me to the point in life where the people and places and become repetitive, or on a complete opposite, they are taken from us suddenly. We are left in some melodramatic pattern feeling sorry for ourselves because our upper-middle class lives still don't bring us happiness. Or we are left with regret, anger, pain that someone was taken from us or has left us and we are here, alone, to pick up the pieces ourselves. So what do we do now?
Being a recent grad I will allow myself to speak from personal experience on the way that a lot, and I am not implying all, but a lot of college student handle these feeling of monotony or lonliness. The two most obvious are alcohol and sex.
Alcohol, god you have done wonders for my life to say the least. It seems the answer to almost any question that an 18-24 year-old has. You do well on an exam - you drink. You do horrible on an exam - you drink. You are celebrating an occassion - you drink. You are wallowing in a break-up - you drink. You drink for every reason and you drink for no reason at all. Why? Maybe it is the social scene, being able to open yourself up to things that you would never do sober and subconsciously have always wanted to say or do. We have all heard of the angry drunks, and the emotional drunks, but either way drinking brings about some type of outlet that most can't admit to. Drunk dials, telling the guy/girl that sat next to you all semester that you think they are hot, showing up at the dorm room of your ex begging for them back, destroying some sort of property just because you are that cool... alcohol can single-handedly make you feel like in doing these things you are making the best decision. Alcohol is an outlet that makes us feel, when we don't want to admit that we feel, but at the end of the night in our hearts and our heads it tells us what we really think.
Sex. Not even sex, but any type of sexual encounter ranging from an ass-grab, an intense make-out, even the across the room eye-f*ck, very common amongst college students. Why is it that we find the urge to try and get in the pants of anything human when we are at a low-point in our lives? As much as people don't want to admit that there are feelings involved in the one-night stand or the friends with benefits, I challenge you to call my bluff on this. Sex makes you feel. Maybe not the head-over-heels in love want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with this person feeling, but it physically makes you feel and I believe there is some emotional attachment that stems from it, if only in ourselves. Now give me a chance to explain. Even if you only want to hook-up for the fact of hooking-up, we do it because it FEELS good. In such a confusing time, the college years, where we don't know what the hell we are doing with our lives, we can feel some sense of being wanted from an attraction of another person. For that instant, or that night, we, out of 6 billion people in this world were chosen. The reason why is insignificant and only complicates the situation, so we will overlook it. But our bodies go through a sexual gratification, stimulation, the urges that we can't control any more and lead up to any one of numerous climaxes. We feel, if only for that second, within ourselves, something that overtakes our bodies and our minds.
So I state again, these people that are brought into our lives: the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, and the brushes of fate, with all hope, we are able to allow ourselves to let someone in, so we can feel more than what we simply do to ourselves, but the feelings -- both good and bad -- that others install in us.
This brings me to the point in life where the people and places and become repetitive, or on a complete opposite, they are taken from us suddenly. We are left in some melodramatic pattern feeling sorry for ourselves because our upper-middle class lives still don't bring us happiness. Or we are left with regret, anger, pain that someone was taken from us or has left us and we are here, alone, to pick up the pieces ourselves. So what do we do now?
Being a recent grad I will allow myself to speak from personal experience on the way that a lot, and I am not implying all, but a lot of college student handle these feeling of monotony or lonliness. The two most obvious are alcohol and sex.
Alcohol, god you have done wonders for my life to say the least. It seems the answer to almost any question that an 18-24 year-old has. You do well on an exam - you drink. You do horrible on an exam - you drink. You are celebrating an occassion - you drink. You are wallowing in a break-up - you drink. You drink for every reason and you drink for no reason at all. Why? Maybe it is the social scene, being able to open yourself up to things that you would never do sober and subconsciously have always wanted to say or do. We have all heard of the angry drunks, and the emotional drunks, but either way drinking brings about some type of outlet that most can't admit to. Drunk dials, telling the guy/girl that sat next to you all semester that you think they are hot, showing up at the dorm room of your ex begging for them back, destroying some sort of property just because you are that cool... alcohol can single-handedly make you feel like in doing these things you are making the best decision. Alcohol is an outlet that makes us feel, when we don't want to admit that we feel, but at the end of the night in our hearts and our heads it tells us what we really think.
Sex. Not even sex, but any type of sexual encounter ranging from an ass-grab, an intense make-out, even the across the room eye-f*ck, very common amongst college students. Why is it that we find the urge to try and get in the pants of anything human when we are at a low-point in our lives? As much as people don't want to admit that there are feelings involved in the one-night stand or the friends with benefits, I challenge you to call my bluff on this. Sex makes you feel. Maybe not the head-over-heels in love want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with this person feeling, but it physically makes you feel and I believe there is some emotional attachment that stems from it, if only in ourselves. Now give me a chance to explain. Even if you only want to hook-up for the fact of hooking-up, we do it because it FEELS good. In such a confusing time, the college years, where we don't know what the hell we are doing with our lives, we can feel some sense of being wanted from an attraction of another person. For that instant, or that night, we, out of 6 billion people in this world were chosen. The reason why is insignificant and only complicates the situation, so we will overlook it. But our bodies go through a sexual gratification, stimulation, the urges that we can't control any more and lead up to any one of numerous climaxes. We feel, if only for that second, within ourselves, something that overtakes our bodies and our minds.
So I state again, these people that are brought into our lives: the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, and the brushes of fate, with all hope, we are able to allow ourselves to let someone in, so we can feel more than what we simply do to ourselves, but the feelings -- both good and bad -- that others install in us.
Friday, May 18, 2007
inferiority
Livejournal seems very high school, even thought I didn't use it until college, so I am making a new journal in which I have all hopes of making dignified, reflective, and meaningful posts to help exhuberate this new stage of my life.
Being home, even these first few days, doesn't seem right. But thinking about being anywhere right now doesn't seem right. It's as if I'm a lost soul, treading through the waters of everyday life searching for that final destination in which I will find something to make this meaningful.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't feel.
Being home, even these first few days, doesn't seem right. But thinking about being anywhere right now doesn't seem right. It's as if I'm a lost soul, treading through the waters of everyday life searching for that final destination in which I will find something to make this meaningful.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't feel.
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