i'm ready

Why am I in my apartment at midnight on a Saturday night when there is an attractive, nice, funny, guy I met last night who is continuously asking me to hang out with him right now? Because I am an idiot.

I'm an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with someone and give them every part of me and then having it ripped out of my life with no explanation at all, no closure, no nothing. Like I am just suddenly suppose to be okay and move on with my life.

I am so fucking sick of feeling like I have to hide everything that I am feeling. I don't care what people think of me right now, I don't care how many people are going to bitch at me for publicly posting this for everyone to see. I don't care who knows that I feel this way, because I do, and I fucking hate that this situation will not get out of my life, but it won't, and I have absolutley no idea what to do about it.

I hate being in this city, I hate that everything around here reminds me of him, that the mall and bookstore next to me are places he took me to, that he drove with me around this fucking neighborhood after my interview, that his friend is in my class. He won't go away, why can't he just go away.

I just wish I knew what I had to do to stop feeling like this. I just wish it was all gone, erased from my memory, everything. I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of beating myself up over this. It's like I'm in a constant competition with my head. I just want my closure and my life to move on. I honestly just want to move on, and I don't know when it is going to happen.

I'm so sick of hearing people who have been in long-term relationships, and people that are engaged, and people that are married, telling me that my day is going to come. Really, you don't know me, and you can't predict the fucking future, so don't proclaim your love and happiness onto me.

It's just different. You are with someone for so long that they become a part of who you are and no one else understand that. Its you and them vs. the world, and we had a hell of a time fighting off that world, but it's something that I could never put into words, it something that no one else will ever feel or share, it was us.

And it's time to move on, it's been time to move on for a while. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be over it. But maybe this is one of those things you get over, it is a piece of who you were and who you are and you just grow out of it.

I'm tired and I'm lonely and I'm scared I will never feel that way again. Someone just make it go away and let me find someone. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, and I want to find someone and make them happy and them make me happy and be head over heels and have a fairytale ending. I deserve happiness, I don't deserve feeling like this anymore. I did my time, I'm ready for my life to move on, so just do it already.

we never loved ourselves so well as when we lusted after another. we hummed along to electric guitars and the standard "whoa oh oh oh's" and we drank each other under the covers... give me the strength to be widowed now that the honeymoon's over.