maybe i'm just tired, tired of never knowing

I've recently started watching the first season of Big Love; an HBO series about polygamy. While I don't want to go through the politics of the show, it has sparked something inside of me that I believe is true. I've written about this before, but I it has been cluttering most of my thoughts lately. One thing that was discussed in the Christian Marriage class that I took was whether or not there is one person for every one out there. I don't believe in soulmates in the form of a sexual or marital soulmate. There is an article a friend gave me before I left for college about soulmates in another sense, which I will dig up from the boxes in my room one of these days and write about, but for now I will try and stay on task as to when this entry is going to have a point.

The idea of there being one person for every person out there is rather juvenile to say the least. Out of all the people in this world, I garuntee there is more than one that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel that inevitable bliss, or that you can stand to spend the rest of your life with without wanting to throw them out of the house every other day. I want to believe that everything in life happens for a reason because that sounds so promising, but it is still something that I cannot except. Since this is my personal journal I will you myself as an example. My mother gave me up, I was given to the family I now have, I was put into the school system they chose until I was 14, then picked schools up until where I am now. I've dated quite a few people and had a couple serious relationships, but if I was given to another family I would have had another set of schools and another set of relationships.

Every action that we take, the moment we get out of bed in the morning, determines what will happen in our lives. Some of the things we do, and some of the things that strangers we cross paths with everyday, determine at least part of our lives. That is why innocent people are killed by drunk drivers or shot in the middle of buying groceries. This puts a lot of pressure on our every movement.

So in this world filled with people, there are more than a few that we can form a real connection with. Someone to open ourselves up to, share our hopes and our fears, and commit to for a lifetime, or at least with the promise of a lifetime. If this is true, then how come I feel so fucking alone all of the time? Maybe happiness is a figment of our imagination and we create what we want when we want it. Or maybe I just haven't found something real yet. I don't want to believe the latter, but these days I don't really believe in much of anything.


"If I can be saved
Show me the way
Help me help myself, baby"