i wish i was an artist

I've been really down lately. I don't know what is, but I just feel like everything in my life is falling apart. The thing is, it isn't. There is absolutley nothing wrong with anything, but I can't manage to stay happy. I keep telling myself I just have to wait until I get to Cleveland and start from scratch and things will be okay. But I always think things will be better when I have a change of scenary, and I know that always isn't true.

It's hard to imagine that we aren't going back to UD. I just keep thinking of last summer and how anxious I was to live in the ghetto and see everyone and just have fun. I was so aware of what I wanted then, and now I just feel so lost.

I envy people who are passionate about things and have outlets. I don't have anything that I am really good at and people admire me for. I don't have something that I can turn to when I want to shut the world out.

I was cleaning out my room the other day and I found so many things from high school that I had forgotten about. Especially my journal. I use to write almost everyday, and it wasn't bs, it was some pretty deep stuff that helped me stay balance. I just don't have that in me anymore. Nothing to push me to do things that I use to love.

What stops us from doing what we want? What we truly believe is right. Fear? Rejection? Because I don't think it gets much worse than this.

Days are becoming repetitive, people are becoming uninteresting, and I just wish I could find one thing that appeals to me. That allows me to make some difference in the world. That people could look at me and think I really had my life together.

I want to fit in, and I want to stand out. I want to believe that I have some purpose in this world. It's so cliche, but I just want something to live for.


But no one gets what they really want.
We love only when it's convenient.
We act like we know more than we know.
We treat love like it's something you own.

But maybe I'll find you.
Maybe I'll find something I love.