I haven't written in a while for a few reasons. Mainly because an uncanny number of people have told me they read this and really enjoy the honesty in it, which scares the hell out of me because I don't want to be judged. I want my experiences to help others adjust to theirs, but when that means criticism is involved it takes on an entire new level and meaning. I'm not good with vulernability, big surprise.
The last month of my life has been an overwhelming mix of emotions. Ups and down like most go through, but for some reason, I can't put all of the feelings I've experienced into words. So, hopefully the bottle of margarita I just killed can do something for me.
It's offically summer and I am offically half way done with my Master's. I survived and along the way met some amazing people and did some things I never thought I'd have the balls to do. I stepped out of my comfort zone which is a huge obstacle for me. Surprisingly it has led me to good things. I feel like I'm finally fitting into my life. I like living in Cleveland, I love the people I have surrounded myself with, and overall I have just been happy.
Recently, a new motto was adapted: "Live life." Simple and some may even call it cliche, but if you think about it, it's true. To me, living life means doing things that are in the back of my head but I never do them. Walking up to the cute stranger at the bar and starting a conversation, pushing yourself at the gym even though you want to go across the street to Taco Bell, sending an anonymous package to a friend because you know it will make their week.
Sometimes I don't understand humanity. I mean, we've done all of these amazing things over time, we are obviously creative and inventing and loving, so why don't we spread it more? I just wish more people did the little things, that take minimal effort but mean the world to someone else. Displacing love wherever we can put it and hoping it comes back to us one day.
I've already mentioned alcohol and Taco Bell, my two weaknesses, but here are some more truths about me. I'm one of the most sarcastic people you will ever meet. I turn most phrases into sexual enuendos and am the first to make fun of myself so others can't. I so desperatley want to change the world, to make it a better place, but I don't have the power to do it. I want to make people happy, literally, I would be okay living a mediocre life if it meant everyone I knew was completely and utterly happy. I've made some shitty choices in my past, done some things that make me repulsed by my own self, but they have taught me life lesson. Who I want to be, who I want to surround myself with, and most importantly that live is an inevitable series of events that we make the most of.
I hope that by writing, by devoting my life to social work, that by smiling at the stranger on the street, that somewhere down the line I will affect someone. We spend too much time focusing on the negative and judging the people we don't know, when there is so much good right before us. Take advantage of it, do something out of the ordinary, and I promise, it will pay off with due time.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Can the past be the future?
You know the scene in the movie where the guy and girl miss each other by a few seconds and it irritates you just watching it? Well, I saw someone the other day, for the first time in a long time, and I'm still deciding if it would have been better if we would have missed each other instead of the perfect timing.
I'm not even sure if they saw me, and if they did, they ignored me. However, I didn't make an effort either. I actually stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, like an idiot, feeling like I was going to throw up, and run across the street to them at the same time. But I kept looking forward and walked away. It's one of those scene that you picture happening and when it does you completely blank. And since I overanalyze everything, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and like situations.
When you see a person for the first time in a while the emotions are so mixed. If I am dating someone and I haven't seen them in a while I get really really nervous and have to let myself adjust back to the familiar feelings. This time in particular I realized that I am living my life, completely separate from this person who use to be a huge part of my life and so much has changed. It's like you are living in this world with other people, but you really have no idea what is going on with them anymore; it's just all, foreign. It really made me stop and consider all that has happened to me and where my life is going. It is like you are exisiting in the same place as them, but you're no longer existing together.
After visiting an ex this weekend I am beginning to think I have relationship issues. Okay, I know I have relationship issues, but I have more than I thought. For some reason, I spend time deciding if I want to go back to ex's, instead of realizing that ended for a distinct reason and I should find someone new. But the thing with ex's is when you see them you get that rush of all the old feelings, and it feels so right, and the idea of being loved and wanted is so appealing you want to get back together. Maybe this is just me, but I'm known for dating the same people, over and over, and I can't explain it. I think I tend to forget all the bad, and remember all the good, and I want it back. The point is, do you indulge in those feelings and rekindle the flame, or wait for someone new to come along? How do you know if the past is suppose to stay in the past, or if they are your future as well?
I think this only makes sense in my head and it is frustrating.
On a sidenote, I think missing people is the worst feeling, and I wish when someone missed someone they called them, or sent them a message, letting them know they were thinking about them. Wouldn't that make the world a better place? Knowing that people still think and care about you. I wish people had enough balls to suck it up and just go for it, just say what you think and feel.
I want to be done overanalyzing and just have something happen. Something. Anything.
I'm not even sure if they saw me, and if they did, they ignored me. However, I didn't make an effort either. I actually stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, like an idiot, feeling like I was going to throw up, and run across the street to them at the same time. But I kept looking forward and walked away. It's one of those scene that you picture happening and when it does you completely blank. And since I overanalyze everything, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and like situations.
When you see a person for the first time in a while the emotions are so mixed. If I am dating someone and I haven't seen them in a while I get really really nervous and have to let myself adjust back to the familiar feelings. This time in particular I realized that I am living my life, completely separate from this person who use to be a huge part of my life and so much has changed. It's like you are living in this world with other people, but you really have no idea what is going on with them anymore; it's just all, foreign. It really made me stop and consider all that has happened to me and where my life is going. It is like you are exisiting in the same place as them, but you're no longer existing together.
After visiting an ex this weekend I am beginning to think I have relationship issues. Okay, I know I have relationship issues, but I have more than I thought. For some reason, I spend time deciding if I want to go back to ex's, instead of realizing that ended for a distinct reason and I should find someone new. But the thing with ex's is when you see them you get that rush of all the old feelings, and it feels so right, and the idea of being loved and wanted is so appealing you want to get back together. Maybe this is just me, but I'm known for dating the same people, over and over, and I can't explain it. I think I tend to forget all the bad, and remember all the good, and I want it back. The point is, do you indulge in those feelings and rekindle the flame, or wait for someone new to come along? How do you know if the past is suppose to stay in the past, or if they are your future as well?
I think this only makes sense in my head and it is frustrating.
On a sidenote, I think missing people is the worst feeling, and I wish when someone missed someone they called them, or sent them a message, letting them know they were thinking about them. Wouldn't that make the world a better place? Knowing that people still think and care about you. I wish people had enough balls to suck it up and just go for it, just say what you think and feel.
I want to be done overanalyzing and just have something happen. Something. Anything.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
a breakable matter
I've had a lot on my mind lately and no real outlet to put it so bear with me, my mid-life crisis continues.
I hate being such an analytical and reflective person sometimes, but I am, so I get through it somehow. In the big picture, my life is pretty good as I believe a lot of people's are, even if they don't realize it. When we don't have something we constantly have that reminder of the abscense of whatever that thing is, when in fact we are surrounded by so much that we take for granted.
I think I've made it pretty clear that I have a lot of friends that I keep in touch with because my friends are my life. I thrive on socialization. I have the days where I need my alone time, but 90% of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I'm so interested in the way people think and interact it just consumes me. I keep these relationships close to my heart because I depend on these people, even though most of them don't know it. It's the small things, you know? They make you feel loved, even if we don't want to admit we need it.
My latest reflection revolves around intimate relationships. In the past I've been known for my relationships, moreso, for always being involved in a relationship. I can't really explain why this has been the pattern in my life, but the best solution I can come up with is that I have always had a need for being close to someone. The idea of being as intact with another human being as possible is so appealing to me. Consuming myself in another person might be my way of staying away from the issues I have with myself. I'm not sure about this theory yet. So I made myself a promise; a promise not too many people knew about.
When I became single, I told myself I had to remain single for an entire year. This started through a very psychosocialemotional conversation that I had with a professional about where my life was going. In order to completely rid myself of the past, I had to take an entire year off to focus on myself. In short, this has been difficult. Not in the sense that I wanted to have a relationship with any said person this past year, but my extreme need for that closeness on a different level with another person. That inimate, giving of oneself to another. But now that the year is almost up, I've learned the type of person I want to be with.
The hopeless thing is, I don't see that person coming into my life anytime soon. I have this vision of where I need to be in my life to have a stable relationship, and unfortunatley that does not reside in Cleveland, Ohio while I am getting my Master's. As unrealistic as it sounds, I know that the person I want to be with isn't here, so I have to accept that my vow is going to be longer than anticipated.
In actuality, it just sucks, it really sucks. All I want right now is a good conversation with a person of the opposite sex. Unfortunatley, every male I meet in this city is a complete waste of my time, and I have figured that out in the first 7 minutes of talking to them. I didn't come to this city searching for a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to have that human contact with. Just someone to lay around with, joke, have good conversation, and possibly nap with in my bed, because I finally have a huge bed, and I don't take up the entire thing by myself.
There's a lot more I have to say, but I am taking a risk in thinking Amsterdam will inspire me and I will come back with some amazing phenomenon to discuss. Until then, I'm relying on these two lyrics.
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
"Heart of the Matter" - India Arie
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
"Breakable" - Ingrid Michaelson
I hate being such an analytical and reflective person sometimes, but I am, so I get through it somehow. In the big picture, my life is pretty good as I believe a lot of people's are, even if they don't realize it. When we don't have something we constantly have that reminder of the abscense of whatever that thing is, when in fact we are surrounded by so much that we take for granted.
I think I've made it pretty clear that I have a lot of friends that I keep in touch with because my friends are my life. I thrive on socialization. I have the days where I need my alone time, but 90% of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I'm so interested in the way people think and interact it just consumes me. I keep these relationships close to my heart because I depend on these people, even though most of them don't know it. It's the small things, you know? They make you feel loved, even if we don't want to admit we need it.
My latest reflection revolves around intimate relationships. In the past I've been known for my relationships, moreso, for always being involved in a relationship. I can't really explain why this has been the pattern in my life, but the best solution I can come up with is that I have always had a need for being close to someone. The idea of being as intact with another human being as possible is so appealing to me. Consuming myself in another person might be my way of staying away from the issues I have with myself. I'm not sure about this theory yet. So I made myself a promise; a promise not too many people knew about.
When I became single, I told myself I had to remain single for an entire year. This started through a very psychosocialemotional conversation that I had with a professional about where my life was going. In order to completely rid myself of the past, I had to take an entire year off to focus on myself. In short, this has been difficult. Not in the sense that I wanted to have a relationship with any said person this past year, but my extreme need for that closeness on a different level with another person. That inimate, giving of oneself to another. But now that the year is almost up, I've learned the type of person I want to be with.
The hopeless thing is, I don't see that person coming into my life anytime soon. I have this vision of where I need to be in my life to have a stable relationship, and unfortunatley that does not reside in Cleveland, Ohio while I am getting my Master's. As unrealistic as it sounds, I know that the person I want to be with isn't here, so I have to accept that my vow is going to be longer than anticipated.
In actuality, it just sucks, it really sucks. All I want right now is a good conversation with a person of the opposite sex. Unfortunatley, every male I meet in this city is a complete waste of my time, and I have figured that out in the first 7 minutes of talking to them. I didn't come to this city searching for a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to have that human contact with. Just someone to lay around with, joke, have good conversation, and possibly nap with in my bed, because I finally have a huge bed, and I don't take up the entire thing by myself.
There's a lot more I have to say, but I am taking a risk in thinking Amsterdam will inspire me and I will come back with some amazing phenomenon to discuss. Until then, I'm relying on these two lyrics.
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
"Heart of the Matter" - India Arie
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
"Breakable" - Ingrid Michaelson
Monday, February 18, 2008
time for some changes
I came to a harsh reality last night as I was driving 3.5 hours back from UD, hungover, with all the windows down in 35 degree weather. I've been letting myself get caught up in the idea of something that is no longer there. There was a period in my life where I was so unbelievably happy, I would wake up in the morning and think "Wow, I love being me." And I meant it. It's not often where you are satisfied with all the decisions that have taken you to the spot where you are at. And I haven't felt that in a really long time. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and one day everything is just going to fall perfectly back into that place; and it's not.
Some of those people and places and things are no longer in my life, and as much as I wish my life was like a movie, they aren't going to magically appear at my door and make me feel whole again. There comes a time when you just have to move on, completely from a life that you were so comfortable in, and make yourself a new life.
I've realized how much my life had changed in the last 9 months; I mean truly reflected on it. I'm doing all of these things I never thought I would be doing, and all I am focusing on is May 2009, when I will move to a new city and my life will begin all over again. Well, for the next 15 months I can't live in this fantasy would I've build to keep me protected.
Some changes are going to be made. I'm going to take some serious leaps in the next few weeks, and I can only hope for the best. But if I don't try, then I will never know.
Some of those people and places and things are no longer in my life, and as much as I wish my life was like a movie, they aren't going to magically appear at my door and make me feel whole again. There comes a time when you just have to move on, completely from a life that you were so comfortable in, and make yourself a new life.
I've realized how much my life had changed in the last 9 months; I mean truly reflected on it. I'm doing all of these things I never thought I would be doing, and all I am focusing on is May 2009, when I will move to a new city and my life will begin all over again. Well, for the next 15 months I can't live in this fantasy would I've build to keep me protected.
Some changes are going to be made. I'm going to take some serious leaps in the next few weeks, and I can only hope for the best. But if I don't try, then I will never know.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
that thing, that moment
i've been recently reminded of one of the best things about life: connecting with a person on a totally different level. i believe that there are certain people that are suppose to come into your life at some point, whatever the reason may be, and there is an instant connection. i'm not talking about sexual attraction, or seeing your future partner for the first time. what i'm trying to explain i don't think can actually be done with words. if you've ever had this connection with a person, you know what i am talking about.
in my life it has happened few times than i can count on one hand and the last time it happened turned into one of the friendships that i hold nearest and dearest to me. but that was about 5 years ago and until a few days ago i complete forgot about it. for some reason i had this happen to me again, in a way i would have never expected, but it feels so right. it's wierd, i barely know anything about this person, yet i am so taken back by everything they have to say. it's some wierd addiction, where you could talk all night, through the night, and still have so much left to say. i think it is what was missing in my life; finding someone who completely understands you. it feels so right to have this in my life right now.
i have decided there are 3 things that are very important for me to have a connection with a person. the first is a sense of humor. it is vital for me to surround myself with people that can make me laugh. that laughter that comes so naturally, and about everything. you can act awkward, you can make fun of the other person, everything can be turned into something to smile about. some people are very very good at portraying themselves in this way, and i am envious. one of my favorite things in the world is laying in bed with a person and having conversation that is filled with points where you are laughing so hard you are crying. it's such a comfort.
the second this is someone who is intelligent. this is going to sound horrible, but i cannot stand people who are stupid, and by stupid i mean people who do not have common sense. i dont need intelligence that comes from a diploma, or a well-respected job title, but someone who i can have a serious conversation about a religion or politics (gasp) and they aren't completely out of the loop. i'm a conversationalist. i need to be with people who can keep up with that.
lastly, and this one is the clincher, someone who has fallen in love with music. this is more important for someone that i would be involved with. i don't think i could ever date someone who wasn't passionate about music, and concerts, and discovering bands, etc. apparently my birth father was a guitarist in a band, and i believe that his love for music was passed straight to me. music just completes me. i feel like music has impacted my life in so many ways and when i find a good song or a new band it makes me a little bit of a better person.
anyways, i'm becoming more comfortable with who i am, who i want to become, and who i want to surround myself with. and it's an added bonus that i feel like i'm understood by someone who knows so very little about me.
i'm beginning to find happiness in places i didn't think it existed.
in my life it has happened few times than i can count on one hand and the last time it happened turned into one of the friendships that i hold nearest and dearest to me. but that was about 5 years ago and until a few days ago i complete forgot about it. for some reason i had this happen to me again, in a way i would have never expected, but it feels so right. it's wierd, i barely know anything about this person, yet i am so taken back by everything they have to say. it's some wierd addiction, where you could talk all night, through the night, and still have so much left to say. i think it is what was missing in my life; finding someone who completely understands you. it feels so right to have this in my life right now.
i have decided there are 3 things that are very important for me to have a connection with a person. the first is a sense of humor. it is vital for me to surround myself with people that can make me laugh. that laughter that comes so naturally, and about everything. you can act awkward, you can make fun of the other person, everything can be turned into something to smile about. some people are very very good at portraying themselves in this way, and i am envious. one of my favorite things in the world is laying in bed with a person and having conversation that is filled with points where you are laughing so hard you are crying. it's such a comfort.
the second this is someone who is intelligent. this is going to sound horrible, but i cannot stand people who are stupid, and by stupid i mean people who do not have common sense. i dont need intelligence that comes from a diploma, or a well-respected job title, but someone who i can have a serious conversation about a religion or politics (gasp) and they aren't completely out of the loop. i'm a conversationalist. i need to be with people who can keep up with that.
lastly, and this one is the clincher, someone who has fallen in love with music. this is more important for someone that i would be involved with. i don't think i could ever date someone who wasn't passionate about music, and concerts, and discovering bands, etc. apparently my birth father was a guitarist in a band, and i believe that his love for music was passed straight to me. music just completes me. i feel like music has impacted my life in so many ways and when i find a good song or a new band it makes me a little bit of a better person.
anyways, i'm becoming more comfortable with who i am, who i want to become, and who i want to surround myself with. and it's an added bonus that i feel like i'm understood by someone who knows so very little about me.
i'm beginning to find happiness in places i didn't think it existed.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
we can't go back
I have a lot on my mind, but no real substance. Just a bunch of unconnected thoughts that have nowhere to go and keep me up at night, forcing me to try and make sense of my day to day actions. I'm bored. Physically, emotionally, psychologically bored with the path my life is taking. Grad school may be tedious, but it's really not that hard. Intern, class, read, write a paper. The fact that my life is organized by lists and the insane amount of pleasure I get from crossing something off one of those lists really motivates me to stay on track. At the end of most days I'm not stressed and I just lay there wanting more; something more out of life.
How do normal people fall asleep? I can't just look at the clock, realize it's 11PM, and force myself to go to bed. Those urges usually kick in around 4AM, and that is only because I have exhausted my brain with ridiculous ideas.
Do you ever reach for the phone, with the idea of calling someone, but once you go to dial the numbers you realize the person you want to talk to doesn't exist? I'm have overwhelming experiences of this; I have so much to say, but no person to convey it to.
One thing I have gathered over the last month is an appreciation of the people in my life. We've all moved in very different directions, so when you are surrounded by that again it's a nice feeling. But nice isn't what life is about. What's that saying? Life is about the moments measured by something or other? Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for who I have in my life, but when you wake up in the morning and realize you are on your own, it's scary.
I'm sick of this waiting game. I sound very bi-polar, because every time I write something it's about waiting, or going out and doing something, or being sick of waiting. I guessed I've just reached a point where I want something more. I don't want to have countdowns to exciting events, I want every day to hold something exciting. It seems like too much to ask, but I can remember a time in my life where I woke up an was genuinely happy. I wish that place and those people still existed.
I hope this year brings new experiences and people. I've kind of passed the post-college phase and am onto the "holy shit I'm in the real world" phase of my life. I really need to go back and find the person I use to be. The one who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. What I really need to do is come to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this life for the next year and a half of my life and make the most of it.
I'm ready.
How do normal people fall asleep? I can't just look at the clock, realize it's 11PM, and force myself to go to bed. Those urges usually kick in around 4AM, and that is only because I have exhausted my brain with ridiculous ideas.
Do you ever reach for the phone, with the idea of calling someone, but once you go to dial the numbers you realize the person you want to talk to doesn't exist? I'm have overwhelming experiences of this; I have so much to say, but no person to convey it to.
One thing I have gathered over the last month is an appreciation of the people in my life. We've all moved in very different directions, so when you are surrounded by that again it's a nice feeling. But nice isn't what life is about. What's that saying? Life is about the moments measured by something or other? Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for who I have in my life, but when you wake up in the morning and realize you are on your own, it's scary.
I'm sick of this waiting game. I sound very bi-polar, because every time I write something it's about waiting, or going out and doing something, or being sick of waiting. I guessed I've just reached a point where I want something more. I don't want to have countdowns to exciting events, I want every day to hold something exciting. It seems like too much to ask, but I can remember a time in my life where I woke up an was genuinely happy. I wish that place and those people still existed.
I hope this year brings new experiences and people. I've kind of passed the post-college phase and am onto the "holy shit I'm in the real world" phase of my life. I really need to go back and find the person I use to be. The one who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. What I really need to do is come to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this life for the next year and a half of my life and make the most of it.
I'm ready.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
maybe this year.
Welcome to my stereotypical entry on the new year. I hate the fact that once Jan 1 hits everyone decides to make these big plans for change in their lives, but I am one of those people. So my big resolution for the year? Well it, like me, is not that simple.
I've been having a lot of conversations with different people about how this is the time in our lives where we have a lot of freedoms. I want to take advantage of the fact that I have nothing holding me down from doing anything and everything that I want. The fact that most people I know have real careers right now makes me want to take a couple years to do things I may not get a chance to do. I'm not going to be able to accomplish this all in 2008, but it's a good time to start exploring the options I have for myself.
I'm going to start simple: explore bookstores and coffeshops around my apartment, find parks and trails and really jump into this photography thing, write poetry again, go to exotic restaurants and order things I would never think I would eat. It sounds stupid, but I really need to push myself to get out and surround myself with the things around me.
The only expectations I am holding for this year: have a ridiculously amazing time in Europe, put my heart & soul into doctorate applications, spend as much time with my family and friends as possible, and try to stay positive.
I'll try to write something insightful next time.
I've been having a lot of conversations with different people about how this is the time in our lives where we have a lot of freedoms. I want to take advantage of the fact that I have nothing holding me down from doing anything and everything that I want. The fact that most people I know have real careers right now makes me want to take a couple years to do things I may not get a chance to do. I'm not going to be able to accomplish this all in 2008, but it's a good time to start exploring the options I have for myself.
I'm going to start simple: explore bookstores and coffeshops around my apartment, find parks and trails and really jump into this photography thing, write poetry again, go to exotic restaurants and order things I would never think I would eat. It sounds stupid, but I really need to push myself to get out and surround myself with the things around me.
The only expectations I am holding for this year: have a ridiculously amazing time in Europe, put my heart & soul into doctorate applications, spend as much time with my family and friends as possible, and try to stay positive.
I'll try to write something insightful next time.
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