we can't go back

I have a lot on my mind, but no real substance. Just a bunch of unconnected thoughts that have nowhere to go and keep me up at night, forcing me to try and make sense of my day to day actions. I'm bored. Physically, emotionally, psychologically bored with the path my life is taking. Grad school may be tedious, but it's really not that hard. Intern, class, read, write a paper. The fact that my life is organized by lists and the insane amount of pleasure I get from crossing something off one of those lists really motivates me to stay on track. At the end of most days I'm not stressed and I just lay there wanting more; something more out of life.

How do normal people fall asleep? I can't just look at the clock, realize it's 11PM, and force myself to go to bed. Those urges usually kick in around 4AM, and that is only because I have exhausted my brain with ridiculous ideas.

Do you ever reach for the phone, with the idea of calling someone, but once you go to dial the numbers you realize the person you want to talk to doesn't exist? I'm have overwhelming experiences of this; I have so much to say, but no person to convey it to.

One thing I have gathered over the last month is an appreciation of the people in my life. We've all moved in very different directions, so when you are surrounded by that again it's a nice feeling. But nice isn't what life is about. What's that saying? Life is about the moments measured by something or other? Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for who I have in my life, but when you wake up in the morning and realize you are on your own, it's scary.

I'm sick of this waiting game. I sound very bi-polar, because every time I write something it's about waiting, or going out and doing something, or being sick of waiting. I guessed I've just reached a point where I want something more. I don't want to have countdowns to exciting events, I want every day to hold something exciting. It seems like too much to ask, but I can remember a time in my life where I woke up an was genuinely happy. I wish that place and those people still existed.

I hope this year brings new experiences and people. I've kind of passed the post-college phase and am onto the "holy shit I'm in the real world" phase of my life. I really need to go back and find the person I use to be. The one who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. What I really need to do is come to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this life for the next year and a half of my life and make the most of it.

I'm ready.