i wish i was an artist

I've been really down lately. I don't know what is, but I just feel like everything in my life is falling apart. The thing is, it isn't. There is absolutley nothing wrong with anything, but I can't manage to stay happy. I keep telling myself I just have to wait until I get to Cleveland and start from scratch and things will be okay. But I always think things will be better when I have a change of scenary, and I know that always isn't true.

It's hard to imagine that we aren't going back to UD. I just keep thinking of last summer and how anxious I was to live in the ghetto and see everyone and just have fun. I was so aware of what I wanted then, and now I just feel so lost.

I envy people who are passionate about things and have outlets. I don't have anything that I am really good at and people admire me for. I don't have something that I can turn to when I want to shut the world out.

I was cleaning out my room the other day and I found so many things from high school that I had forgotten about. Especially my journal. I use to write almost everyday, and it wasn't bs, it was some pretty deep stuff that helped me stay balance. I just don't have that in me anymore. Nothing to push me to do things that I use to love.

What stops us from doing what we want? What we truly believe is right. Fear? Rejection? Because I don't think it gets much worse than this.

Days are becoming repetitive, people are becoming uninteresting, and I just wish I could find one thing that appeals to me. That allows me to make some difference in the world. That people could look at me and think I really had my life together.

I want to fit in, and I want to stand out. I want to believe that I have some purpose in this world. It's so cliche, but I just want something to live for.


But no one gets what they really want.
We love only when it's convenient.
We act like we know more than we know.
We treat love like it's something you own.

But maybe I'll find you.
Maybe I'll find something I love.

who do you want to be?

Most people try to 'find themselves' in college. They leave behind the world that they have known for 18 years and expose themselves to new people and new experiences. And through these 4 years they develop a deeper sense of who they are as a person.

Looking back on my college experience, I don't think I found myself. I think I exposed myself to an entirely different world than I had known in the past, and through these experiences, these people, I took bits and pieces and formed what I would like my future to become.

I haven't found the person that I think I am suppose to be yet, but from this experience I have learned what I do want to become, and what I do not want to become.

Late night thoughts as I can't find it in myself to fall asleep...

Confident, yet cautious

The other night I went out in a fashion I am not accustomed too. I just got my hair chopped, so I did some funky style with it, put on a rocker-ish dress that I found as a bargain, and waited to see where the night would take me. We decided to go to a bar we had heard was a pretty good time, and when I found out there was live music that night I was all-in. At one point in the night I made eye contact with a guy across the room. Hands down one of the most attractive people I have ever seen in my life. I thought to myself there would be no chance that this guy would take a second look at me, but with some urging from my friends I decided I would go talk to him; hell I didn't put on a dress for nothing. He ended up being a really nice guy, buying me drinks and talking all night. It wasn't until the bar was about to close that I found out he was a pro baseball player (I admit, I didn't believe it, looked him up later, and he definitley wasn't lying). The point to this story: wear a dress and you can get an athlete to fall for you. But in all seriousness, I found a deeper meaning in this one night, as far-fetched as it may be.

I let myself settle. I don't give myself enough credit and don't go for the things that I really want, and probably do deserve, seeing as though I'm not a completely horrible person. I didn't think this guy would be interested in me, and he was at least for a night. He spent that night getting to know me, not trying anything, and it really gave me a sense of confidence. I didn't think I would get into Case, and applied because one of my teachers pushed me. And I got in. I don't have enough faith in myself, and because I hate rejection so much I don't go for things. Things that I honestly have a shot at.

I think this is the difference between being confident and cocky. It's nice to see people with self-confidence, believing in themselves and constantly pushing to get what they really want. I want to be able to do this more often. If I really want something, I want to go for it. In education, in a profession, and even with cute guys that are fun to look at. I'm at the age I always dreamed of being, and it seems like I don't really have many dreams for myself right now. I want to change that.

Time is gunna take my mind, and carry it far away...

I had a dream last night, an extremely vivid dream. I've read in psych books that you don't dream in color, but in this dream I saw everything in color. I could tell you the exact clothing people were wearing, the fragrances in the air, it was like my senses were at their peak and everything was just so... real.

I hate trying to explain dreams to other people, because no matter how hard you try you can never give them the full affect to what you experienced in it. The dream I had was a "what if," if you will. It was based off a significant event that happened in my life quite a while ago, but it was showing me what would have happened if I would have taken a different path, ergo, the "what if." The entire time I felt like this was where my life was suppose to lead me; there was such intensity in every move that I made and everything just seemed right. At the end of the dream something happened that made me do a 180.

I woke up with that feeling like the dream was reality, and in the dazed confusion I felt like it was a sign from something bigger, something I couldn't control. As ridiculous as it may sound, I feel like this dream was giving me a message. I've spent a lot of time this summer contemplating decisions I have made in my life and wondering if where I am is where I'm suppose to be. Waking up from this dream was the first time I felt complete, like I am on the right path and every choice that I have made up to this point has happened for a reason that I don't understand now, but will someday. It sounds cliche, but I really feel like someone is trying to tell me something.


Anyways, it's offically my favorite holiday. Did I really graduate 2 months ago? Am I really moving next month? I'm starting to like the feeling of not knowing what is going to happen next.