that thing, that moment

i've been recently reminded of one of the best things about life: connecting with a person on a totally different level. i believe that there are certain people that are suppose to come into your life at some point, whatever the reason may be, and there is an instant connection. i'm not talking about sexual attraction, or seeing your future partner for the first time. what i'm trying to explain i don't think can actually be done with words. if you've ever had this connection with a person, you know what i am talking about.

in my life it has happened few times than i can count on one hand and the last time it happened turned into one of the friendships that i hold nearest and dearest to me. but that was about 5 years ago and until a few days ago i complete forgot about it. for some reason i had this happen to me again, in a way i would have never expected, but it feels so right. it's wierd, i barely know anything about this person, yet i am so taken back by everything they have to say. it's some wierd addiction, where you could talk all night, through the night, and still have so much left to say. i think it is what was missing in my life; finding someone who completely understands you. it feels so right to have this in my life right now.

i have decided there are 3 things that are very important for me to have a connection with a person. the first is a sense of humor. it is vital for me to surround myself with people that can make me laugh. that laughter that comes so naturally, and about everything. you can act awkward, you can make fun of the other person, everything can be turned into something to smile about. some people are very very good at portraying themselves in this way, and i am envious. one of my favorite things in the world is laying in bed with a person and having conversation that is filled with points where you are laughing so hard you are crying. it's such a comfort.

the second this is someone who is intelligent. this is going to sound horrible, but i cannot stand people who are stupid, and by stupid i mean people who do not have common sense. i dont need intelligence that comes from a diploma, or a well-respected job title, but someone who i can have a serious conversation about a religion or politics (gasp) and they aren't completely out of the loop. i'm a conversationalist. i need to be with people who can keep up with that.

lastly, and this one is the clincher, someone who has fallen in love with music. this is more important for someone that i would be involved with. i don't think i could ever date someone who wasn't passionate about music, and concerts, and discovering bands, etc. apparently my birth father was a guitarist in a band, and i believe that his love for music was passed straight to me. music just completes me. i feel like music has impacted my life in so many ways and when i find a good song or a new band it makes me a little bit of a better person.

anyways, i'm becoming more comfortable with who i am, who i want to become, and who i want to surround myself with. and it's an added bonus that i feel like i'm understood by someone who knows so very little about me.

i'm beginning to find happiness in places i didn't think it existed.

we can't go back

I have a lot on my mind, but no real substance. Just a bunch of unconnected thoughts that have nowhere to go and keep me up at night, forcing me to try and make sense of my day to day actions. I'm bored. Physically, emotionally, psychologically bored with the path my life is taking. Grad school may be tedious, but it's really not that hard. Intern, class, read, write a paper. The fact that my life is organized by lists and the insane amount of pleasure I get from crossing something off one of those lists really motivates me to stay on track. At the end of most days I'm not stressed and I just lay there wanting more; something more out of life.

How do normal people fall asleep? I can't just look at the clock, realize it's 11PM, and force myself to go to bed. Those urges usually kick in around 4AM, and that is only because I have exhausted my brain with ridiculous ideas.

Do you ever reach for the phone, with the idea of calling someone, but once you go to dial the numbers you realize the person you want to talk to doesn't exist? I'm have overwhelming experiences of this; I have so much to say, but no person to convey it to.

One thing I have gathered over the last month is an appreciation of the people in my life. We've all moved in very different directions, so when you are surrounded by that again it's a nice feeling. But nice isn't what life is about. What's that saying? Life is about the moments measured by something or other? Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for who I have in my life, but when you wake up in the morning and realize you are on your own, it's scary.

I'm sick of this waiting game. I sound very bi-polar, because every time I write something it's about waiting, or going out and doing something, or being sick of waiting. I guessed I've just reached a point where I want something more. I don't want to have countdowns to exciting events, I want every day to hold something exciting. It seems like too much to ask, but I can remember a time in my life where I woke up an was genuinely happy. I wish that place and those people still existed.

I hope this year brings new experiences and people. I've kind of passed the post-college phase and am onto the "holy shit I'm in the real world" phase of my life. I really need to go back and find the person I use to be. The one who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. What I really need to do is come to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this life for the next year and a half of my life and make the most of it.

I'm ready.

maybe this year.

Welcome to my stereotypical entry on the new year. I hate the fact that once Jan 1 hits everyone decides to make these big plans for change in their lives, but I am one of those people. So my big resolution for the year? Well it, like me, is not that simple.

I've been having a lot of conversations with different people about how this is the time in our lives where we have a lot of freedoms. I want to take advantage of the fact that I have nothing holding me down from doing anything and everything that I want. The fact that most people I know have real careers right now makes me want to take a couple years to do things I may not get a chance to do. I'm not going to be able to accomplish this all in 2008, but it's a good time to start exploring the options I have for myself.

I'm going to start simple: explore bookstores and coffeshops around my apartment, find parks and trails and really jump into this photography thing, write poetry again, go to exotic restaurants and order things I would never think I would eat. It sounds stupid, but I really need to push myself to get out and surround myself with the things around me.

The only expectations I am holding for this year: have a ridiculously amazing time in Europe, put my heart & soul into doctorate applications, spend as much time with my family and friends as possible, and try to stay positive.

I'll try to write something insightful next time.