i'm ready

Why am I in my apartment at midnight on a Saturday night when there is an attractive, nice, funny, guy I met last night who is continuously asking me to hang out with him right now? Because I am an idiot.

I'm an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with someone and give them every part of me and then having it ripped out of my life with no explanation at all, no closure, no nothing. Like I am just suddenly suppose to be okay and move on with my life.

I am so fucking sick of feeling like I have to hide everything that I am feeling. I don't care what people think of me right now, I don't care how many people are going to bitch at me for publicly posting this for everyone to see. I don't care who knows that I feel this way, because I do, and I fucking hate that this situation will not get out of my life, but it won't, and I have absolutley no idea what to do about it.

I hate being in this city, I hate that everything around here reminds me of him, that the mall and bookstore next to me are places he took me to, that he drove with me around this fucking neighborhood after my interview, that his friend is in my class. He won't go away, why can't he just go away.

I just wish I knew what I had to do to stop feeling like this. I just wish it was all gone, erased from my memory, everything. I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of beating myself up over this. It's like I'm in a constant competition with my head. I just want my closure and my life to move on. I honestly just want to move on, and I don't know when it is going to happen.

I'm so sick of hearing people who have been in long-term relationships, and people that are engaged, and people that are married, telling me that my day is going to come. Really, you don't know me, and you can't predict the fucking future, so don't proclaim your love and happiness onto me.

It's just different. You are with someone for so long that they become a part of who you are and no one else understand that. Its you and them vs. the world, and we had a hell of a time fighting off that world, but it's something that I could never put into words, it something that no one else will ever feel or share, it was us.

And it's time to move on, it's been time to move on for a while. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be over it. But maybe this is one of those things you get over, it is a piece of who you were and who you are and you just grow out of it.

I'm tired and I'm lonely and I'm scared I will never feel that way again. Someone just make it go away and let me find someone. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, and I want to find someone and make them happy and them make me happy and be head over heels and have a fairytale ending. I deserve happiness, I don't deserve feeling like this anymore. I did my time, I'm ready for my life to move on, so just do it already.

we never loved ourselves so well as when we lusted after another. we hummed along to electric guitars and the standard "whoa oh oh oh's" and we drank each other under the covers... give me the strength to be widowed now that the honeymoon's over.

love actually is all around...?

Relationships. If I wasn't so burnt out from life right now I would try to write some amazing entry on the complexity yet beauty that relationships hold for people, but that will have to wait for another time. For the first time in my life everyone around me is in a relationship. My entire niche from high school has a significant other, my sister, my cousin's, most of my UD friends, and everyone in grad school is in a one or is engaged, or married. Seriously.

It's wierd, not in a bad way, but in a different way. When I went home last weekend it was all my friends, the people they are dating, and then me. Haha. I guess it's wierd because since high school began I was always the person in a relationship, and now things have done a 180. Funny thing is, I like it. I saw all of my friends, genuinely happy, in healthy relationships, and it gave me hope that there are good relationships out there, ones that work, that don't require constant effort, and I like knowing that all my friends have this happiness.

It is also wierd because for the first time in a long time I don't have time to think about relationships, except that hour before I go to sleep when I just want to have a really good phone conversation while smelling my sheets that still have their scent on them, or the nights where I want to curl up next to someone and wake up next to them and just smile because for those minutes all is well in the world.

I guess I'm just not use to this. This independence that I wanted for so long, I have it all, and I don't have anyone to share things with. The connection you have with friends is one thing, but there is something about a significant other that just makes you feel complete in a way. When things are so good or so bad you don't think twice about it, they are the first one you call. I kind of miss having that person to call, or moreso, being that person for someone else.

I know I am really maturing, because, another first for me, I am not settling. Not that I have settled in the past, but I've met guys, I've had people ask me out, and I'm being completely honest and telling them I don't want to waste their time. That sounds bad, but I want something real, and if it means waiting years to find it, I guess that is what I am going to have to do.

Maybe I'm lonely, or maybe I'm just really missing that feeling of comfort. You grow so close to someone, so attached, you know them better than you know yourself, and then it's gone. Picking up the pieces is a tedious process. I'm just waiting for something to happen in my life, not even a relationship, because I'm liking this freedom, but someone to give me butterflies
when I see their name across my phone.

I guess I just really want to know if I well ever feel that again.