I've tried to write something meaningful for the last 45 minutes and it just isn't happening. My head isn't clear, my thoughts aren't straight, and frankly I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life anymore. I'm searching for something that I cannot find and I'm hiding behind song lyrics trying to make sense of whatever this quarter-life crisis is that I am going through. I want something to make my life whole, something that gives me a reason to live. I want to return to a time in my life where there was no confusion, no second guessing, complete innocence and bliss.
I'm thinking about a second tatttoo. I've always wanted three. The second one has to do with my adoption, where I came from, and a permanent answer to a lot of questions I have rehearsed over and over in my head. I'm not really sure how you capture the feeling of being adopted into a tattoo, especially when you know nothing about your adoption. I'm thinking about getting a celtic knot. I've been doing some research and this is what is written about celtic knots: "Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people."
When I really started grasping the concept of my adoption I hated the fact that I was given up, that someone could just give up their child like that without thinking about it twice. I remember talking about it with a teacher in high school and she told me it takes a certain type of person to give up their child knowing that they will have a better life, an unconditional love. So in a sense even though I don't know this woman, she is the reason I came into this world and I will leave the world with a piece of her still in me.
It's a rough idea, but I'm liking where my mind is going with it. And when people saying getting tattoo-ed is addicting, they aren't lying.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two big places right now. Graduating from college and coming to the realizations that everyone is going through sucks really bad. Then thinking about graduate school and moving to a new city and starting from scratch is a refreshing yet scary as hell thought. My life has always been so planned; I've always known my next move. Knowing nothing terrifies me. People keep telling me that I'm so lucky because I get to continue with school and I'm not going to be unemployed living in my parents house. But I hate leaving everything behind, I hate goodbyes, I hate feeling so incomplete.
I worry too much and I think into things way too much.
I need reassurance that everything will be okay.
And I miss my best friend.
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1 comment:
it takes someone very strong, someone who really loves you and wants to give you the best life possible, to give up their child for adoption. i'm sure your birth mom felt as torn and lost as you do now, but she learned to let go. she learned what would be best for you, and she had to be unselfish to provide that life for you.
you don't need to let go of her, but you can use the same strategy for your current confusion. let go of those internal thoughts about needing to figure everything out. slow down and focus on what's important right now, and let go of the other things that pass through your head. this is growth, you know that, and it only hurts because it is a learning process. these are new responsibilities, new thought processes, and your beautiful self can juggle them perfectly, i promise.
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