confined moments of calm in my head

I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of calm right now. Overwhelming describing calm, kinda makes me laugh. These moments are few and far between these days, so I have to appreciate them as they come. The calm before the storm is coming and I'm trying my hardest to not think about all that is going to happen in the next coming months. This break is the first time in a long while that my day hasn't been written in lists and measured by how many of those things were crossed off in accomplishment.

I was thinking about school today and how still, at the age of 23, we go around the room and introduce ourselves on the first day of a new class. This time I get to say, "I'm in the 2 year program, and I am graduating in May." I guess it's slowly happening, ending this stage in my life and preparing for the next. It's weird, because I remember a year and a half ago, laying in this same bed wanting to move to Cleveland so bad and start something new. I've done a lot of shaping myself over this time. I think the biggest change is my independence. Senior year at UD my favorite professor had us do this exercise about something we wanted to accomplish when we graduated and mine was become independent. It's scary how quickly that become a reality.

Normally I hate change and the uneasy feeling I get not knowing what is going to happen next, but right now this stage of limbo is comforting. For once in my life I don't have a plan, okay I have like 17 plan depending, but it's out of my control. It's liberating. And it allows me to scare myself in a sickening good way. 

I wonder if fate exists. Sometimes I think that life is playing these funny tricks on me but in the end it's so going to be worth it. Like one day you just wake up and get it. At times I want that understanding, that carefully tweaked plan that makes complete sense to me. But then there's those days where you get up with no agenda and end up having some of the best moments of your life. 

I think I'm starting to discover myself.

dip, divulge

I sit here, in my parents' house, on a Friday night. It's my parents house, not my own, because while some of my belongings still exist between these walls, I know longer feel as though it is my place anymore. It's amazing how fast time, and life, can change you.

I've been back less than two days and I'm already reaping in the benefits of not being a responsible adult. When I think about my friends who are married right now it really scares me. Plus, who doesn't want to be spoiled by their parents for a couple of weeks during the holiday season? I'd love to find a guy who could provide me with the lifestyle I'm living under this roof. 

It's just a necessary break. From school, from interning, from work, from my mind. I get an entire month, well 3 more weeks, to wake and up do whatever I want. While most of that freedom will be spent becoming friends-with-benefits with my bed and convincing myself that playing guitar hero constitutes as exercise, I still have the ability to choose how I will spend the next glorious weeks. 

I went to the library today and wandered in and out of the aisles of books, trying to decide what my interests were in.  It's been a long while since I've been able to decide what I am interested in and there was an overwhelming sense of calm when I realized how many people probably felt the same jumble and jargon in their heads and put those thoughts in words for others to take a glimpse of. I've settled on books of "truth." The personal genre I've made up for my interests at the moment. Books about real-stories. College memoirs, psychological disorders, people reflecting back on complicated times in their lives and how they moved on from them to live a normal life. Seems pretty fitting, right?

You know when you see a pool and you want to dive right into it? Some people take that plunge right into the water, not knowing what they are going to feel when they hit the surface. I'm not one of those people. I put my big toe in, follow by the foot, leg, and if you're lucky I get paranoid that people think I'm overanalyzing the ratio of pool temperature to air temperature and just go for it. Well I'm going to stay consistent and bring that metaphor into my life for the next couple of weeks. Divulge into some new things, at a steady pace, and see if one pulls me in enough to stay for a while. If what I'm saying doesn't make sense to you right now, I've succeeded. 

I'll be posting a lot this break. Writing is that one thing that radiates the life back into me. And it's something I do just for myself. Until then, I leave you with this quote. I'm hoping it will bring some psychological and philosophical insight to my life in the near future.

"The idea of traumatic loss and how do people manage life after loss, and what is the difference between someone who falls into depression and someone who finds joy and an optimistic space. The answer I discovered is purpose." - Will Smith, on his character in Seven Pounds