Balancing an internship (which I adore and slightly obsess over) where I am pretty much a staff member, a Master's education with a full time school load, and PhD applications is finally getting to me. My life is put in these little boxes where I have to schedule what I need to do in order to make sure it gets done. Basically if you're not in my planner, there's a good chance I've lost all communication with you. It's this unbalanced feeling of maintaining relationships with the people closest to me (or at least were in the past, but now we are growing up and changing, and those ties are becoming broken) and setting myself up for a future that is truly going to make me feel accomplished and passion-driven.
I've become a most established social worker in the fact that I am comfortable with what I am doing now and I'm really coming to understand the theories and how to apply them to my work. This would be great, except now it's conflicting with my relationships. Whereas before I would constantly listen to my friends and help them with various things going on, now my mind goes to "well they are experiencing this as a result of this so they should do this." I just feel like I can't even help a friend anymore, whatever I want to say almost sounds condescending.
In my human sexuality class we learned about how when people are in relationships (partnerships, but I apply this to friendships as well) they know what the other person likes. If they are not giving this to the person, they figure they are going somewhere else to get it, because in their relationship it has always been a huge factor. For instance, if you are not having sex, but you know your partner loves sex, you assume that they are cheating on you. Well I've kind of applied that theory to my own life, in the fact that I'm loosening ties with a lot of friends. Whereas before I had so much time to catch up when them now I'm just. However, instead of being worried that they are become friends with someone else (which I am not saying is a bad thing, I want everyone to be friends with everyone) I get these huge anxiety attacks where I feel like my friends are mad at me because they don't want to be a part of my life anymore. When in reality this sounds ridiculous, for some reason my mind is always thinking things like this. Just another thing I worry about that has no basis or reasoning behind it.
I'm also coming to a turning point where I'm trying to fight between two different sides that I have. One is telling me to tell the world to fuck off, if people don't like me then it is there problem. The other yearns for acceptance from others, because really no one wants to be rejected. I want to step out of my comfort zone and take some leaps to see where I will go, but then I am afraid of failing and loosing who I was altogether. And as always I love my freedom that I have become accustomed too, but I am in need of a partner who I can come to at the end of the day and make me realize that this is just life, and it will all be okay. I wish it were easier to find someone who makes you happy, enjoys your quirks, accepts you for who you are, is able to communicate, and it able to show you compassion and care. I guess that is kind of a lot to ask for though, huh?
If anything at all I have to allow myself to take more time to get these thoughts out. Maybe someone will read them someday and be able to relate. I guess that's what it all really comes down to.
1 comment:
Good read CG. The inner dilemma sounds perfectly normal. As Stephen Covey puts it "show me someone who is humble enough to accept and take responsibility for his or her circumstances and courageous enough to take whatever initiative is necessary to creatively work his or her way through or around these challenges, and I'll show you the supreme power of choice." You seem fully engaged as an active participant in the game of LIFE.
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