sunday nights alone

Have you ever had a feeling that you can't put into words? It fills your head and your heart it consumes you, yet you don't know what to do with it.

The way things work out in my life are somewhat humorous. Just when I think I have things together something I would never expect happens. And here I am, this thought on my mind, no idea what to do with it. Do I take the risk and open myself up to figure out what exactly it is that I am feeling? Or is this beating a dead horse? I mean, I don't know how many times I can set myself up to get hurt and say it will be different when it never is, but I just have this feeling. Like it's the right thing to do. In all the fucked-up-ness this is right, whatever it is. And no one else gets it. But we do. 

I guess just writing that made me feel a little bit better. I need to write more, really write. And I need to find some things to be passionate about. Somehow searching for doctoral programs and studying for the GRE are not my forte. But I've developed a new love of the gym to get negative energy out. I'm just ready for August and being able to do something I really care about.  Summer and all this free time just give me way too much time to think.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life at all, yet I always find something to worry about. It's like I can't allow myself to be truly happy and I don't know why.