sunday nights alone

Have you ever had a feeling that you can't put into words? It fills your head and your heart it consumes you, yet you don't know what to do with it.

The way things work out in my life are somewhat humorous. Just when I think I have things together something I would never expect happens. And here I am, this thought on my mind, no idea what to do with it. Do I take the risk and open myself up to figure out what exactly it is that I am feeling? Or is this beating a dead horse? I mean, I don't know how many times I can set myself up to get hurt and say it will be different when it never is, but I just have this feeling. Like it's the right thing to do. In all the fucked-up-ness this is right, whatever it is. And no one else gets it. But we do. 

I guess just writing that made me feel a little bit better. I need to write more, really write. And I need to find some things to be passionate about. Somehow searching for doctoral programs and studying for the GRE are not my forte. But I've developed a new love of the gym to get negative energy out. I'm just ready for August and being able to do something I really care about.  Summer and all this free time just give me way too much time to think.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life at all, yet I always find something to worry about. It's like I can't allow myself to be truly happy and I don't know why.

screwed

If you haven't seen Sex & the City and you don't want the ending ruined, don't read this.

I've recently had the chance to hang out with friends from different points in my life all within a very close time frame.  One of the things that this has helped me realize is how much I have changed and how people's perspectives of me, especially how I was 5 or 6 years ago, have completely changed. One of my friends from high school had a bridal shower this past weekend and all of our high school friends got back together. We were talking about who would be the next to be married, who would be the first to have kids, who would be what kind of mom, etc. I fell into the category of a mom would would throw her kids onto someone else and my life would be a complete mess. I don't blame my friends for saying this, because in high school that is definitely who I would have been. The sad thing is, I think my friends still think of me this way because they don't know who I am anymore. But then it makes me think that most people in my life don't really know who I am.

I'm coming to a point in my life where there is so much going on. I feel like I'm about to have a quarter-life crisis making decision that are going to affect where I end up spending a significant portion of my life at. I've been really lucky that all the major life choices I have made have been successful, but it leaves me thinking that I could have missed out on something. I guess you can't really spend time thinking about "what ifs" because it would consume your life, but a part of me can't handle it.

Sex & the City is successful, in my opinion, because a lot of girls feel like they can relate to the characters. These four women are designed to represent the four different types of personalities women have, especially when in relationships.  While I love the show and I loved the movie, I think the ending was bullshit. When people in the theatre were clapping I wanted to get up and leave.  I'm going to sound like an extreme feminist right now which is not my intent, but I don't believe that if a guy leaves you at the altar, after fucking you over several times in the past, you should take him back. But since everyone in the world enjoyed this ending but me, it makes me contemplate.

Maybe every person really does have one person that truly understands them and they feel like they are meant to be with, no matter how bad they screw them over.  It's like yeah, you ruined my life, but I'd rather be miserable with you, than miserable knowing that it is over and you are no longer a part of my life.  It's like the end of a breakup, when you make the list of pros and cons of the person, and since you just broke up the cons are much longer, but you look at the pros and then rip up the list and wish that you were still with the person. 

How do you know when things have gone too far? 

Personally, I've adapted this new thing of pointing out the flaws of every single guy that I meet and rationalizing that I shouldn't be with them because of those flaws. Not to say that there is a perfect guy, but the type of guy I want to be with doesn't exist. I don't have very high expectations, I'm just annoyed easily. 

I still am at a point in my life where I don't want to fall in love, I just want to be around someone who understands me. Unfortunately, based on my history, that person will screw me over.