You know the scene in the movie where the guy and girl miss each other by a few seconds and it irritates you just watching it? Well, I saw someone the other day, for the first time in a long time, and I'm still deciding if it would have been better if we would have missed each other instead of the perfect timing.
I'm not even sure if they saw me, and if they did, they ignored me. However, I didn't make an effort either. I actually stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, like an idiot, feeling like I was going to throw up, and run across the street to them at the same time. But I kept looking forward and walked away. It's one of those scene that you picture happening and when it does you completely blank. And since I overanalyze everything, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and like situations.
When you see a person for the first time in a while the emotions are so mixed. If I am dating someone and I haven't seen them in a while I get really really nervous and have to let myself adjust back to the familiar feelings. This time in particular I realized that I am living my life, completely separate from this person who use to be a huge part of my life and so much has changed. It's like you are living in this world with other people, but you really have no idea what is going on with them anymore; it's just all, foreign. It really made me stop and consider all that has happened to me and where my life is going. It is like you are exisiting in the same place as them, but you're no longer existing together.
After visiting an ex this weekend I am beginning to think I have relationship issues. Okay, I know I have relationship issues, but I have more than I thought. For some reason, I spend time deciding if I want to go back to ex's, instead of realizing that ended for a distinct reason and I should find someone new. But the thing with ex's is when you see them you get that rush of all the old feelings, and it feels so right, and the idea of being loved and wanted is so appealing you want to get back together. Maybe this is just me, but I'm known for dating the same people, over and over, and I can't explain it. I think I tend to forget all the bad, and remember all the good, and I want it back. The point is, do you indulge in those feelings and rekindle the flame, or wait for someone new to come along? How do you know if the past is suppose to stay in the past, or if they are your future as well?
I think this only makes sense in my head and it is frustrating.
On a sidenote, I think missing people is the worst feeling, and I wish when someone missed someone they called them, or sent them a message, letting them know they were thinking about them. Wouldn't that make the world a better place? Knowing that people still think and care about you. I wish people had enough balls to suck it up and just go for it, just say what you think and feel.
I want to be done overanalyzing and just have something happen. Something. Anything.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
a breakable matter
I've had a lot on my mind lately and no real outlet to put it so bear with me, my mid-life crisis continues.
I hate being such an analytical and reflective person sometimes, but I am, so I get through it somehow. In the big picture, my life is pretty good as I believe a lot of people's are, even if they don't realize it. When we don't have something we constantly have that reminder of the abscense of whatever that thing is, when in fact we are surrounded by so much that we take for granted.
I think I've made it pretty clear that I have a lot of friends that I keep in touch with because my friends are my life. I thrive on socialization. I have the days where I need my alone time, but 90% of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I'm so interested in the way people think and interact it just consumes me. I keep these relationships close to my heart because I depend on these people, even though most of them don't know it. It's the small things, you know? They make you feel loved, even if we don't want to admit we need it.
My latest reflection revolves around intimate relationships. In the past I've been known for my relationships, moreso, for always being involved in a relationship. I can't really explain why this has been the pattern in my life, but the best solution I can come up with is that I have always had a need for being close to someone. The idea of being as intact with another human being as possible is so appealing to me. Consuming myself in another person might be my way of staying away from the issues I have with myself. I'm not sure about this theory yet. So I made myself a promise; a promise not too many people knew about.
When I became single, I told myself I had to remain single for an entire year. This started through a very psychosocialemotional conversation that I had with a professional about where my life was going. In order to completely rid myself of the past, I had to take an entire year off to focus on myself. In short, this has been difficult. Not in the sense that I wanted to have a relationship with any said person this past year, but my extreme need for that closeness on a different level with another person. That inimate, giving of oneself to another. But now that the year is almost up, I've learned the type of person I want to be with.
The hopeless thing is, I don't see that person coming into my life anytime soon. I have this vision of where I need to be in my life to have a stable relationship, and unfortunatley that does not reside in Cleveland, Ohio while I am getting my Master's. As unrealistic as it sounds, I know that the person I want to be with isn't here, so I have to accept that my vow is going to be longer than anticipated.
In actuality, it just sucks, it really sucks. All I want right now is a good conversation with a person of the opposite sex. Unfortunatley, every male I meet in this city is a complete waste of my time, and I have figured that out in the first 7 minutes of talking to them. I didn't come to this city searching for a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to have that human contact with. Just someone to lay around with, joke, have good conversation, and possibly nap with in my bed, because I finally have a huge bed, and I don't take up the entire thing by myself.
There's a lot more I have to say, but I am taking a risk in thinking Amsterdam will inspire me and I will come back with some amazing phenomenon to discuss. Until then, I'm relying on these two lyrics.
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
"Heart of the Matter" - India Arie
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
"Breakable" - Ingrid Michaelson
I hate being such an analytical and reflective person sometimes, but I am, so I get through it somehow. In the big picture, my life is pretty good as I believe a lot of people's are, even if they don't realize it. When we don't have something we constantly have that reminder of the abscense of whatever that thing is, when in fact we are surrounded by so much that we take for granted.
I think I've made it pretty clear that I have a lot of friends that I keep in touch with because my friends are my life. I thrive on socialization. I have the days where I need my alone time, but 90% of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I'm so interested in the way people think and interact it just consumes me. I keep these relationships close to my heart because I depend on these people, even though most of them don't know it. It's the small things, you know? They make you feel loved, even if we don't want to admit we need it.
My latest reflection revolves around intimate relationships. In the past I've been known for my relationships, moreso, for always being involved in a relationship. I can't really explain why this has been the pattern in my life, but the best solution I can come up with is that I have always had a need for being close to someone. The idea of being as intact with another human being as possible is so appealing to me. Consuming myself in another person might be my way of staying away from the issues I have with myself. I'm not sure about this theory yet. So I made myself a promise; a promise not too many people knew about.
When I became single, I told myself I had to remain single for an entire year. This started through a very psychosocialemotional conversation that I had with a professional about where my life was going. In order to completely rid myself of the past, I had to take an entire year off to focus on myself. In short, this has been difficult. Not in the sense that I wanted to have a relationship with any said person this past year, but my extreme need for that closeness on a different level with another person. That inimate, giving of oneself to another. But now that the year is almost up, I've learned the type of person I want to be with.
The hopeless thing is, I don't see that person coming into my life anytime soon. I have this vision of where I need to be in my life to have a stable relationship, and unfortunatley that does not reside in Cleveland, Ohio while I am getting my Master's. As unrealistic as it sounds, I know that the person I want to be with isn't here, so I have to accept that my vow is going to be longer than anticipated.
In actuality, it just sucks, it really sucks. All I want right now is a good conversation with a person of the opposite sex. Unfortunatley, every male I meet in this city is a complete waste of my time, and I have figured that out in the first 7 minutes of talking to them. I didn't come to this city searching for a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to have that human contact with. Just someone to lay around with, joke, have good conversation, and possibly nap with in my bed, because I finally have a huge bed, and I don't take up the entire thing by myself.
There's a lot more I have to say, but I am taking a risk in thinking Amsterdam will inspire me and I will come back with some amazing phenomenon to discuss. Until then, I'm relying on these two lyrics.
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
"Heart of the Matter" - India Arie
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
"Breakable" - Ingrid Michaelson
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)