Unpredictible is an understatement

If someone would have told me one year ago where I would be today, I wouldn't believe them. It's amazing the changes that have happened in just a year, and it really makes me wonder where I am going to be a year from right now.

I've taken a much better outlook on my life in the past few days. I am really luck to be where I am right now. Grad school, let alone Case, is something I didn't know if I would be able to accomplish. My internship is probably one of the most rewarding things I have done in my life. It's hard, especially emotionally, but I'm making a difference. Seeing these pregnant girls walk into my office and tell me their stories and want to do something with there lives and knowing a part of it is in my hands is sureal. I had a woman the other day say that I helped her in more ways than she could imagine and she felt a real weight lifted off her shoulders. I am helping people, and that is all I really want to do in my life. Make someone else's life a little bit easier. It is a real genuine happiness that I haven't felt in a while.

I've also made some really good friends. People who are passionate about the same things I am. It's wierd, because we are all going to school for the same thing, and everyone just clicks. I'm the awkward and random one and I love it. I feel like I can really be myself around these people and that is comforting. No one judges you.

I'm learning that people come and go in your life, and you really have to cherish the people that stay in it. I met so many people in undergrad that changed me, made me a better person, and made me realize how capable I am and strengths I never knew I possessed. Not being around these people every day just makes me realize how important they are in my life. I want to challenge people to not take for granted those that are in their lives. I've been doing things that I am semi-hesitant about lately. You know when you really want to do something but sometime is holding you back? I'm just going for it lately, whether it is starting a conversation with someone I haven't had in my life for a while, or stepping out of my comfort zone, and the truth is it really does pay off.

I've done a lot of things in my 22 years that I am proud of, and some that were not my brightest moment, but I'm not perfect. I'm human, I've make mistakes and I've done things that I don't think reflect who I really am. But I've had people stick through thick and thin with me and it's those people who make me want to get up and do something with my life. I've always known I would never be one of those people with a desk job, putting figures into a computer all day. I need to be active, I need to be an advocate for something I believe in.

I don't know where I'll be a year from now, hell I don't know what I am going to be doing tomorrow, but I'm finally okay with that. I'm letting life happen. You take it one day at a time and stay thankful for the experiences that you have had. Every day isn't going to be a great one, but I'm really trying to make the most of what I have each day.


Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.

And I feel nothing, not safe

I don't even have time to write in here anymore. My life is no longer my own.

So many things have happened, yet so little has happened. Grad school is hard, not a 'this is impossible' sense, but in a 'takes up all of your time every day' sense. I'm just exhausted all of the time, and once I think I've caught up it all starts over again. Not to mention, my internship is emotionally draining. I think I've over-involved myself and I had no idea what I was getting into. I don't even know if this is what I want to do with my life.

It just seems like I am putting so much time and effort into something I am unsure about. I always had a plan for my life, and everytime I get a step closer to what I wanted, I can't tell if it is really what I did want.

I envy so many people right now. I wish I could be back at UD; I still haven't gotten it through my head that things will never be the same. I'm longing for a place that no longer exists. I'm missing a lot of people, just missing the comfort of always having someone around to cheer you up, or ask you to go out for a beer and catch up, I need to be around people that I know care about me.

I always do this. I wanted to move to a new city and start all over, and now I wish I was anywhere but here. I hate change, hate it, so why did I decide to change everything in my life? I keep telling myself it is going to be worth it, but I think I just say it to try and make myself feel better, which isn't happening.

I'm exhausted and lonely and waiting for something to happen that gives me a little indication that this is where I am suppose to be right now. I need something to save me.

Do you ever feel like you will never truly be happy again?