it all just feels so wrong

I think I had too high of expectation for moving. For some reason I thought I would live in a building full of people my age, become great friends with all of them, drink, laugh, and be happy. Needless to say, this did not happen.

It's not that I'm not liking Cleveland, but I'm not at UD anymore, and I'm missing that familiarity; being able to walk to everyone's houses, staying up late talking and drinking and goofing off, being with all my favorite people, being comfortable, feeling wanted, etc. When I arrived at UD it felt so right, and everything about this move just doesn't. And I know I fear change and I have to give it more time than a week and a half, but I'm just not happy.

It doesn't help that I didn't have electricity for 2 days, they keep pushing our internet date back, and my room is so f'ing hot I can't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time. It's boring. I guess in a way it is nice because I have spent more time talking to people on the phone in the past week than I have in the past year, but I just feel like life is uneventful. UD was never boring, and now I'm in a whole new city, and I feel like there are so many possibilities, but I am just wasting my life away.

Case is going to be so much harder than I anticipated and all I want is someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't feel like I fit it, and I'm really contemplating if this is the right decision for me. I miss feeling wanted and loved and needed. I'm just sad all of the time; really sad.


One last Phone call from you
It wouldn’t hurt much
I'd just like to hear your voice
And pretend to touch
Any inch of you that hasn’t
Said it all or read it all..
or sung my life away

coffee & cigarettes

I move in 2 days. How do I feel? Relieved.

I feel like Cleveland is a new beginning. I know very few people there, so I can be whomever I want to be. I've had my inner artist come out the past few weeks. Wierd that I wished to be an artist, and I'm being creative in my own odd way.

I've decided I'm going to dedicate a huge amount of time to discovering bands. I've always done this, but with the help of others. I've been taking some risks, going out of my 'comfort zone' of music, and finding some really amazing things. Once this is accomplished I am give people the opportunity to tell me what kind of music they want to hear, and I'm going to make CDs. Spread the word about artists who don't get the recognition that they deserve. Plus giving music to people is one of the most cathartic things for me.

I've found a lot of comfort lately in bookstores, photography, and painting. Things I've always secretly loved, but never really shared with anyone. We will see how it goes.

I'm ready to meet someone I can stay up for hours with, talking about important issues, drink coffee with, and laugh. I'm not even talking relationship, just someone who understands and accepts me.