I've tried to write something meaningful for the last 45 minutes and it just isn't happening. My head isn't clear, my thoughts aren't straight, and frankly I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life anymore. I'm searching for something that I cannot find and I'm hiding behind song lyrics trying to make sense of whatever this quarter-life crisis is that I am going through. I want something to make my life whole, something that gives me a reason to live. I want to return to a time in my life where there was no confusion, no second guessing, complete innocence and bliss.
I'm thinking about a second tatttoo. I've always wanted three. The second one has to do with my adoption, where I came from, and a permanent answer to a lot of questions I have rehearsed over and over in my head. I'm not really sure how you capture the feeling of being adopted into a tattoo, especially when you know nothing about your adoption. I'm thinking about getting a celtic knot. I've been doing some research and this is what is written about celtic knots: "Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people."
When I really started grasping the concept of my adoption I hated the fact that I was given up, that someone could just give up their child like that without thinking about it twice. I remember talking about it with a teacher in high school and she told me it takes a certain type of person to give up their child knowing that they will have a better life, an unconditional love. So in a sense even though I don't know this woman, she is the reason I came into this world and I will leave the world with a piece of her still in me.
It's a rough idea, but I'm liking where my mind is going with it. And when people saying getting tattoo-ed is addicting, they aren't lying.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two big places right now. Graduating from college and coming to the realizations that everyone is going through sucks really bad. Then thinking about graduate school and moving to a new city and starting from scratch is a refreshing yet scary as hell thought. My life has always been so planned; I've always known my next move. Knowing nothing terrifies me. People keep telling me that I'm so lucky because I get to continue with school and I'm not going to be unemployed living in my parents house. But I hate leaving everything behind, I hate goodbyes, I hate feeling so incomplete.
I worry too much and I think into things way too much.
I need reassurance that everything will be okay.
And I miss my best friend.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
maybe i'm just tired, tired of never knowing
I've recently started watching the first season of Big Love; an HBO series about polygamy. While I don't want to go through the politics of the show, it has sparked something inside of me that I believe is true. I've written about this before, but I it has been cluttering most of my thoughts lately. One thing that was discussed in the Christian Marriage class that I took was whether or not there is one person for every one out there. I don't believe in soulmates in the form of a sexual or marital soulmate. There is an article a friend gave me before I left for college about soulmates in another sense, which I will dig up from the boxes in my room one of these days and write about, but for now I will try and stay on task as to when this entry is going to have a point.
The idea of there being one person for every person out there is rather juvenile to say the least. Out of all the people in this world, I garuntee there is more than one that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel that inevitable bliss, or that you can stand to spend the rest of your life with without wanting to throw them out of the house every other day. I want to believe that everything in life happens for a reason because that sounds so promising, but it is still something that I cannot except. Since this is my personal journal I will you myself as an example. My mother gave me up, I was given to the family I now have, I was put into the school system they chose until I was 14, then picked schools up until where I am now. I've dated quite a few people and had a couple serious relationships, but if I was given to another family I would have had another set of schools and another set of relationships.
Every action that we take, the moment we get out of bed in the morning, determines what will happen in our lives. Some of the things we do, and some of the things that strangers we cross paths with everyday, determine at least part of our lives. That is why innocent people are killed by drunk drivers or shot in the middle of buying groceries. This puts a lot of pressure on our every movement.
So in this world filled with people, there are more than a few that we can form a real connection with. Someone to open ourselves up to, share our hopes and our fears, and commit to for a lifetime, or at least with the promise of a lifetime. If this is true, then how come I feel so fucking alone all of the time? Maybe happiness is a figment of our imagination and we create what we want when we want it. Or maybe I just haven't found something real yet. I don't want to believe the latter, but these days I don't really believe in much of anything.
"If I can be saved
Show me the way
Help me help myself, baby"
The idea of there being one person for every person out there is rather juvenile to say the least. Out of all the people in this world, I garuntee there is more than one that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel that inevitable bliss, or that you can stand to spend the rest of your life with without wanting to throw them out of the house every other day. I want to believe that everything in life happens for a reason because that sounds so promising, but it is still something that I cannot except. Since this is my personal journal I will you myself as an example. My mother gave me up, I was given to the family I now have, I was put into the school system they chose until I was 14, then picked schools up until where I am now. I've dated quite a few people and had a couple serious relationships, but if I was given to another family I would have had another set of schools and another set of relationships.
Every action that we take, the moment we get out of bed in the morning, determines what will happen in our lives. Some of the things we do, and some of the things that strangers we cross paths with everyday, determine at least part of our lives. That is why innocent people are killed by drunk drivers or shot in the middle of buying groceries. This puts a lot of pressure on our every movement.
So in this world filled with people, there are more than a few that we can form a real connection with. Someone to open ourselves up to, share our hopes and our fears, and commit to for a lifetime, or at least with the promise of a lifetime. If this is true, then how come I feel so fucking alone all of the time? Maybe happiness is a figment of our imagination and we create what we want when we want it. Or maybe I just haven't found something real yet. I don't want to believe the latter, but these days I don't really believe in much of anything.
"If I can be saved
Show me the way
Help me help myself, baby"
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Alcohol, sex, fate
I whole-heartedly believe that our lives are made real because of the people that enter them. Whether it is our family, those that have been with us through the good and the bad, and even when we didn't want them there, or the strangers that we become acquainted with one night and never meet again. It is because of these people, the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, the brushes with fate as I refer hopefully to them, that we are able to feel something beyond what we can do ourselves.
This brings me to the point in life where the people and places and become repetitive, or on a complete opposite, they are taken from us suddenly. We are left in some melodramatic pattern feeling sorry for ourselves because our upper-middle class lives still don't bring us happiness. Or we are left with regret, anger, pain that someone was taken from us or has left us and we are here, alone, to pick up the pieces ourselves. So what do we do now?
Being a recent grad I will allow myself to speak from personal experience on the way that a lot, and I am not implying all, but a lot of college student handle these feeling of monotony or lonliness. The two most obvious are alcohol and sex.
Alcohol, god you have done wonders for my life to say the least. It seems the answer to almost any question that an 18-24 year-old has. You do well on an exam - you drink. You do horrible on an exam - you drink. You are celebrating an occassion - you drink. You are wallowing in a break-up - you drink. You drink for every reason and you drink for no reason at all. Why? Maybe it is the social scene, being able to open yourself up to things that you would never do sober and subconsciously have always wanted to say or do. We have all heard of the angry drunks, and the emotional drunks, but either way drinking brings about some type of outlet that most can't admit to. Drunk dials, telling the guy/girl that sat next to you all semester that you think they are hot, showing up at the dorm room of your ex begging for them back, destroying some sort of property just because you are that cool... alcohol can single-handedly make you feel like in doing these things you are making the best decision. Alcohol is an outlet that makes us feel, when we don't want to admit that we feel, but at the end of the night in our hearts and our heads it tells us what we really think.
Sex. Not even sex, but any type of sexual encounter ranging from an ass-grab, an intense make-out, even the across the room eye-f*ck, very common amongst college students. Why is it that we find the urge to try and get in the pants of anything human when we are at a low-point in our lives? As much as people don't want to admit that there are feelings involved in the one-night stand or the friends with benefits, I challenge you to call my bluff on this. Sex makes you feel. Maybe not the head-over-heels in love want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with this person feeling, but it physically makes you feel and I believe there is some emotional attachment that stems from it, if only in ourselves. Now give me a chance to explain. Even if you only want to hook-up for the fact of hooking-up, we do it because it FEELS good. In such a confusing time, the college years, where we don't know what the hell we are doing with our lives, we can feel some sense of being wanted from an attraction of another person. For that instant, or that night, we, out of 6 billion people in this world were chosen. The reason why is insignificant and only complicates the situation, so we will overlook it. But our bodies go through a sexual gratification, stimulation, the urges that we can't control any more and lead up to any one of numerous climaxes. We feel, if only for that second, within ourselves, something that overtakes our bodies and our minds.
So I state again, these people that are brought into our lives: the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, and the brushes of fate, with all hope, we are able to allow ourselves to let someone in, so we can feel more than what we simply do to ourselves, but the feelings -- both good and bad -- that others install in us.
This brings me to the point in life where the people and places and become repetitive, or on a complete opposite, they are taken from us suddenly. We are left in some melodramatic pattern feeling sorry for ourselves because our upper-middle class lives still don't bring us happiness. Or we are left with regret, anger, pain that someone was taken from us or has left us and we are here, alone, to pick up the pieces ourselves. So what do we do now?
Being a recent grad I will allow myself to speak from personal experience on the way that a lot, and I am not implying all, but a lot of college student handle these feeling of monotony or lonliness. The two most obvious are alcohol and sex.
Alcohol, god you have done wonders for my life to say the least. It seems the answer to almost any question that an 18-24 year-old has. You do well on an exam - you drink. You do horrible on an exam - you drink. You are celebrating an occassion - you drink. You are wallowing in a break-up - you drink. You drink for every reason and you drink for no reason at all. Why? Maybe it is the social scene, being able to open yourself up to things that you would never do sober and subconsciously have always wanted to say or do. We have all heard of the angry drunks, and the emotional drunks, but either way drinking brings about some type of outlet that most can't admit to. Drunk dials, telling the guy/girl that sat next to you all semester that you think they are hot, showing up at the dorm room of your ex begging for them back, destroying some sort of property just because you are that cool... alcohol can single-handedly make you feel like in doing these things you are making the best decision. Alcohol is an outlet that makes us feel, when we don't want to admit that we feel, but at the end of the night in our hearts and our heads it tells us what we really think.
Sex. Not even sex, but any type of sexual encounter ranging from an ass-grab, an intense make-out, even the across the room eye-f*ck, very common amongst college students. Why is it that we find the urge to try and get in the pants of anything human when we are at a low-point in our lives? As much as people don't want to admit that there are feelings involved in the one-night stand or the friends with benefits, I challenge you to call my bluff on this. Sex makes you feel. Maybe not the head-over-heels in love want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with this person feeling, but it physically makes you feel and I believe there is some emotional attachment that stems from it, if only in ourselves. Now give me a chance to explain. Even if you only want to hook-up for the fact of hooking-up, we do it because it FEELS good. In such a confusing time, the college years, where we don't know what the hell we are doing with our lives, we can feel some sense of being wanted from an attraction of another person. For that instant, or that night, we, out of 6 billion people in this world were chosen. The reason why is insignificant and only complicates the situation, so we will overlook it. But our bodies go through a sexual gratification, stimulation, the urges that we can't control any more and lead up to any one of numerous climaxes. We feel, if only for that second, within ourselves, something that overtakes our bodies and our minds.
So I state again, these people that are brought into our lives: the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, and the brushes of fate, with all hope, we are able to allow ourselves to let someone in, so we can feel more than what we simply do to ourselves, but the feelings -- both good and bad -- that others install in us.
Friday, May 18, 2007
inferiority
Livejournal seems very high school, even thought I didn't use it until college, so I am making a new journal in which I have all hopes of making dignified, reflective, and meaningful posts to help exhuberate this new stage of my life.
Being home, even these first few days, doesn't seem right. But thinking about being anywhere right now doesn't seem right. It's as if I'm a lost soul, treading through the waters of everyday life searching for that final destination in which I will find something to make this meaningful.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't feel.
Being home, even these first few days, doesn't seem right. But thinking about being anywhere right now doesn't seem right. It's as if I'm a lost soul, treading through the waters of everyday life searching for that final destination in which I will find something to make this meaningful.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't feel.
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