i wish i was an artist

I've been really down lately. I don't know what is, but I just feel like everything in my life is falling apart. The thing is, it isn't. There is absolutley nothing wrong with anything, but I can't manage to stay happy. I keep telling myself I just have to wait until I get to Cleveland and start from scratch and things will be okay. But I always think things will be better when I have a change of scenary, and I know that always isn't true.

It's hard to imagine that we aren't going back to UD. I just keep thinking of last summer and how anxious I was to live in the ghetto and see everyone and just have fun. I was so aware of what I wanted then, and now I just feel so lost.

I envy people who are passionate about things and have outlets. I don't have anything that I am really good at and people admire me for. I don't have something that I can turn to when I want to shut the world out.

I was cleaning out my room the other day and I found so many things from high school that I had forgotten about. Especially my journal. I use to write almost everyday, and it wasn't bs, it was some pretty deep stuff that helped me stay balance. I just don't have that in me anymore. Nothing to push me to do things that I use to love.

What stops us from doing what we want? What we truly believe is right. Fear? Rejection? Because I don't think it gets much worse than this.

Days are becoming repetitive, people are becoming uninteresting, and I just wish I could find one thing that appeals to me. That allows me to make some difference in the world. That people could look at me and think I really had my life together.

I want to fit in, and I want to stand out. I want to believe that I have some purpose in this world. It's so cliche, but I just want something to live for.


But no one gets what they really want.
We love only when it's convenient.
We act like we know more than we know.
We treat love like it's something you own.

But maybe I'll find you.
Maybe I'll find something I love.

who do you want to be?

Most people try to 'find themselves' in college. They leave behind the world that they have known for 18 years and expose themselves to new people and new experiences. And through these 4 years they develop a deeper sense of who they are as a person.

Looking back on my college experience, I don't think I found myself. I think I exposed myself to an entirely different world than I had known in the past, and through these experiences, these people, I took bits and pieces and formed what I would like my future to become.

I haven't found the person that I think I am suppose to be yet, but from this experience I have learned what I do want to become, and what I do not want to become.

Late night thoughts as I can't find it in myself to fall asleep...

Confident, yet cautious

The other night I went out in a fashion I am not accustomed too. I just got my hair chopped, so I did some funky style with it, put on a rocker-ish dress that I found as a bargain, and waited to see where the night would take me. We decided to go to a bar we had heard was a pretty good time, and when I found out there was live music that night I was all-in. At one point in the night I made eye contact with a guy across the room. Hands down one of the most attractive people I have ever seen in my life. I thought to myself there would be no chance that this guy would take a second look at me, but with some urging from my friends I decided I would go talk to him; hell I didn't put on a dress for nothing. He ended up being a really nice guy, buying me drinks and talking all night. It wasn't until the bar was about to close that I found out he was a pro baseball player (I admit, I didn't believe it, looked him up later, and he definitley wasn't lying). The point to this story: wear a dress and you can get an athlete to fall for you. But in all seriousness, I found a deeper meaning in this one night, as far-fetched as it may be.

I let myself settle. I don't give myself enough credit and don't go for the things that I really want, and probably do deserve, seeing as though I'm not a completely horrible person. I didn't think this guy would be interested in me, and he was at least for a night. He spent that night getting to know me, not trying anything, and it really gave me a sense of confidence. I didn't think I would get into Case, and applied because one of my teachers pushed me. And I got in. I don't have enough faith in myself, and because I hate rejection so much I don't go for things. Things that I honestly have a shot at.

I think this is the difference between being confident and cocky. It's nice to see people with self-confidence, believing in themselves and constantly pushing to get what they really want. I want to be able to do this more often. If I really want something, I want to go for it. In education, in a profession, and even with cute guys that are fun to look at. I'm at the age I always dreamed of being, and it seems like I don't really have many dreams for myself right now. I want to change that.

Time is gunna take my mind, and carry it far away...

I had a dream last night, an extremely vivid dream. I've read in psych books that you don't dream in color, but in this dream I saw everything in color. I could tell you the exact clothing people were wearing, the fragrances in the air, it was like my senses were at their peak and everything was just so... real.

I hate trying to explain dreams to other people, because no matter how hard you try you can never give them the full affect to what you experienced in it. The dream I had was a "what if," if you will. It was based off a significant event that happened in my life quite a while ago, but it was showing me what would have happened if I would have taken a different path, ergo, the "what if." The entire time I felt like this was where my life was suppose to lead me; there was such intensity in every move that I made and everything just seemed right. At the end of the dream something happened that made me do a 180.

I woke up with that feeling like the dream was reality, and in the dazed confusion I felt like it was a sign from something bigger, something I couldn't control. As ridiculous as it may sound, I feel like this dream was giving me a message. I've spent a lot of time this summer contemplating decisions I have made in my life and wondering if where I am is where I'm suppose to be. Waking up from this dream was the first time I felt complete, like I am on the right path and every choice that I have made up to this point has happened for a reason that I don't understand now, but will someday. It sounds cliche, but I really feel like someone is trying to tell me something.


Anyways, it's offically my favorite holiday. Did I really graduate 2 months ago? Am I really moving next month? I'm starting to like the feeling of not knowing what is going to happen next.

In your weakest moment

I've been listening to a lot of CDs from the 90s lately; CDs that I bought because there was one song I liked on them from the radio, but now have grown into appreciating the music, and really have a connection to the lyrics.

My favorite time of day is post-shower, laying on the floor of my bath tub, listening to said CDs, and allowing myself to be free from all restrain. I don't know what it is, but for those minutes I am at ease with myself. Something as simple as the moisture on the walls of the shower can keep me entertained and I am content with the lonliness.

I want to make a dramatic change in my life, moreso my appearance. Not for the attention of others, but to make me feel more like me. I wish your inner feelings reflected on your outward appearance. I would look fucking sweet.


When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder, is there anything
I'm gonna miss

Let It All Out

It's one of those times in life where everything is happening around you and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. I fear change, because I find comfort in what I know. However, I've learned there are very few things that are actually what you think they are, and so I'm letting life take me where it wants to. No more planning, just trusting that whatever is suppose to happen will.

I've been finding a lot of comfort in lyrics lately; nothing new there. I like these ones, because they seem to apply equally to everything I am feeling.

Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At time I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

Misery vs. True Happiness

"You are my only source of misery, yet my only source of true happiness."

Ever since I heard this it is something I reflect on constantly, because it is one of the truest statments that I have come into contact with. That is exactly what relationships are, giving yourself to another person entirely, trusting them with your heart, and hoping that it will last forever, and if not, that it won't hurt too bad when it is over.

I'm a people person. I thrive being around a crowd, and I would be content sitting in a park people-watching for hours at a time. One thing I have noticed about people in relationships is that when two people commit to eachother they put themselves on a level different from everyone else in their lives. This person that you feels meets the qualities that you could perminently entangle yourself in is not only your partner and best friend, but your biggest critic and often times the one that, frankly, you put all of your shit on. You find this person that you feel is perfect for you, that you feel something for that you don't get from anyone else, yet it is so easy to constantly nag and bitch and act like everything they do is not good enough for you. They love you, unconditionally, with all of your flaws, yet that just doesn't seem good enough.

Everyone does it. I could get into a fight with a friend or roommate, tell them to fuck off, and wake up the next morning and we would be fine, like nothing happened. Yet when you are in a relationship and you tell someone to fuck off, that is only the beginning. It ensues into a fight, past fights, a list of things that you both don't like about each other is made, and you are hurt. You go around walking on eggshells because you don't want to start another argument, but this only ruins the communication barrier.

So than why do so many people want relationships? That feeling you get when you are with that other person, laying around, knowing you can be yourself and you are not being judged. This person has chosen you to be with, and despite your imperfections that they have realized they still want to be with you. Those moments, the ones where you are laying in a bed, sweatpants and all, looking at that other person, breathing in their scent, having their arms around you, a complete sense of security, those are the moments that make life worth living for. Love, complete and unselfish, giving and pure, the piece of you that has been missing is now found, and you have a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to want to make something out of your life, a person that you want to make proud and for them to want to show you off to the world; "yes, they are with me, and i couldn't be happier."

Love is life. That is the embodiment of my tattoo. Amore; love. Without it life is meaningless, and with it life is complicated. When we have it we complain that it isn't enough, and when we lose it, we struggle to find ourselves because we are in a sense lost. They don't want you anymore; you didn't just lose a partner, you lost your best friend, the other part of yourself, and everything that you believed to be real and true. Now where do you go?

I am so scared to love. It scares the fuck out of me every second of everyday. I build walls all of the time, hide my feelings, do things that even I don't understand, because I don't want to subject myself to that misery. I'm jealous of those people who get it right on their first shot, who don't know what a broken heart feels like. and who don't have to contemplate giving love another chance.

You can have true happiness, but you are risking misery. Is that a gamble you are willing to take?