In your weakest moment

I've been listening to a lot of CDs from the 90s lately; CDs that I bought because there was one song I liked on them from the radio, but now have grown into appreciating the music, and really have a connection to the lyrics.

My favorite time of day is post-shower, laying on the floor of my bath tub, listening to said CDs, and allowing myself to be free from all restrain. I don't know what it is, but for those minutes I am at ease with myself. Something as simple as the moisture on the walls of the shower can keep me entertained and I am content with the lonliness.

I want to make a dramatic change in my life, moreso my appearance. Not for the attention of others, but to make me feel more like me. I wish your inner feelings reflected on your outward appearance. I would look fucking sweet.


When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder, is there anything
I'm gonna miss

Let It All Out

It's one of those times in life where everything is happening around you and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. I fear change, because I find comfort in what I know. However, I've learned there are very few things that are actually what you think they are, and so I'm letting life take me where it wants to. No more planning, just trusting that whatever is suppose to happen will.

I've been finding a lot of comfort in lyrics lately; nothing new there. I like these ones, because they seem to apply equally to everything I am feeling.

Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At time I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

Misery vs. True Happiness

"You are my only source of misery, yet my only source of true happiness."

Ever since I heard this it is something I reflect on constantly, because it is one of the truest statments that I have come into contact with. That is exactly what relationships are, giving yourself to another person entirely, trusting them with your heart, and hoping that it will last forever, and if not, that it won't hurt too bad when it is over.

I'm a people person. I thrive being around a crowd, and I would be content sitting in a park people-watching for hours at a time. One thing I have noticed about people in relationships is that when two people commit to eachother they put themselves on a level different from everyone else in their lives. This person that you feels meets the qualities that you could perminently entangle yourself in is not only your partner and best friend, but your biggest critic and often times the one that, frankly, you put all of your shit on. You find this person that you feel is perfect for you, that you feel something for that you don't get from anyone else, yet it is so easy to constantly nag and bitch and act like everything they do is not good enough for you. They love you, unconditionally, with all of your flaws, yet that just doesn't seem good enough.

Everyone does it. I could get into a fight with a friend or roommate, tell them to fuck off, and wake up the next morning and we would be fine, like nothing happened. Yet when you are in a relationship and you tell someone to fuck off, that is only the beginning. It ensues into a fight, past fights, a list of things that you both don't like about each other is made, and you are hurt. You go around walking on eggshells because you don't want to start another argument, but this only ruins the communication barrier.

So than why do so many people want relationships? That feeling you get when you are with that other person, laying around, knowing you can be yourself and you are not being judged. This person has chosen you to be with, and despite your imperfections that they have realized they still want to be with you. Those moments, the ones where you are laying in a bed, sweatpants and all, looking at that other person, breathing in their scent, having their arms around you, a complete sense of security, those are the moments that make life worth living for. Love, complete and unselfish, giving and pure, the piece of you that has been missing is now found, and you have a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to want to make something out of your life, a person that you want to make proud and for them to want to show you off to the world; "yes, they are with me, and i couldn't be happier."

Love is life. That is the embodiment of my tattoo. Amore; love. Without it life is meaningless, and with it life is complicated. When we have it we complain that it isn't enough, and when we lose it, we struggle to find ourselves because we are in a sense lost. They don't want you anymore; you didn't just lose a partner, you lost your best friend, the other part of yourself, and everything that you believed to be real and true. Now where do you go?

I am so scared to love. It scares the fuck out of me every second of everyday. I build walls all of the time, hide my feelings, do things that even I don't understand, because I don't want to subject myself to that misery. I'm jealous of those people who get it right on their first shot, who don't know what a broken heart feels like. and who don't have to contemplate giving love another chance.

You can have true happiness, but you are risking misery. Is that a gamble you are willing to take?

a permanent reminder of something you can't let go

I've tried to write something meaningful for the last 45 minutes and it just isn't happening. My head isn't clear, my thoughts aren't straight, and frankly I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life anymore. I'm searching for something that I cannot find and I'm hiding behind song lyrics trying to make sense of whatever this quarter-life crisis is that I am going through. I want something to make my life whole, something that gives me a reason to live. I want to return to a time in my life where there was no confusion, no second guessing, complete innocence and bliss.

I'm thinking about a second tatttoo. I've always wanted three. The second one has to do with my adoption, where I came from, and a permanent answer to a lot of questions I have rehearsed over and over in my head. I'm not really sure how you capture the feeling of being adopted into a tattoo, especially when you know nothing about your adoption. I'm thinking about getting a celtic knot. I've been doing some research and this is what is written about celtic knots: "Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people."

When I really started grasping the concept of my adoption I hated the fact that I was given up, that someone could just give up their child like that without thinking about it twice. I remember talking about it with a teacher in high school and she told me it takes a certain type of person to give up their child knowing that they will have a better life, an unconditional love. So in a sense even though I don't know this woman, she is the reason I came into this world and I will leave the world with a piece of her still in me.

It's a rough idea, but I'm liking where my mind is going with it. And when people saying getting tattoo-ed is addicting, they aren't lying.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two big places right now. Graduating from college and coming to the realizations that everyone is going through sucks really bad. Then thinking about graduate school and moving to a new city and starting from scratch is a refreshing yet scary as hell thought. My life has always been so planned; I've always known my next move. Knowing nothing terrifies me. People keep telling me that I'm so lucky because I get to continue with school and I'm not going to be unemployed living in my parents house. But I hate leaving everything behind, I hate goodbyes, I hate feeling so incomplete.

I worry too much and I think into things way too much.

I need reassurance that everything will be okay.

And I miss my best friend.

maybe i'm just tired, tired of never knowing

I've recently started watching the first season of Big Love; an HBO series about polygamy. While I don't want to go through the politics of the show, it has sparked something inside of me that I believe is true. I've written about this before, but I it has been cluttering most of my thoughts lately. One thing that was discussed in the Christian Marriage class that I took was whether or not there is one person for every one out there. I don't believe in soulmates in the form of a sexual or marital soulmate. There is an article a friend gave me before I left for college about soulmates in another sense, which I will dig up from the boxes in my room one of these days and write about, but for now I will try and stay on task as to when this entry is going to have a point.

The idea of there being one person for every person out there is rather juvenile to say the least. Out of all the people in this world, I garuntee there is more than one that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel that inevitable bliss, or that you can stand to spend the rest of your life with without wanting to throw them out of the house every other day. I want to believe that everything in life happens for a reason because that sounds so promising, but it is still something that I cannot except. Since this is my personal journal I will you myself as an example. My mother gave me up, I was given to the family I now have, I was put into the school system they chose until I was 14, then picked schools up until where I am now. I've dated quite a few people and had a couple serious relationships, but if I was given to another family I would have had another set of schools and another set of relationships.

Every action that we take, the moment we get out of bed in the morning, determines what will happen in our lives. Some of the things we do, and some of the things that strangers we cross paths with everyday, determine at least part of our lives. That is why innocent people are killed by drunk drivers or shot in the middle of buying groceries. This puts a lot of pressure on our every movement.

So in this world filled with people, there are more than a few that we can form a real connection with. Someone to open ourselves up to, share our hopes and our fears, and commit to for a lifetime, or at least with the promise of a lifetime. If this is true, then how come I feel so fucking alone all of the time? Maybe happiness is a figment of our imagination and we create what we want when we want it. Or maybe I just haven't found something real yet. I don't want to believe the latter, but these days I don't really believe in much of anything.


"If I can be saved
Show me the way
Help me help myself, baby"

Alcohol, sex, fate

I whole-heartedly believe that our lives are made real because of the people that enter them. Whether it is our family, those that have been with us through the good and the bad, and even when we didn't want them there, or the strangers that we become acquainted with one night and never meet again. It is because of these people, the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, the brushes with fate as I refer hopefully to them, that we are able to feel something beyond what we can do ourselves.

This brings me to the point in life where the people and places and become repetitive, or on a complete opposite, they are taken from us suddenly. We are left in some melodramatic pattern feeling sorry for ourselves because our upper-middle class lives still don't bring us happiness. Or we are left with regret, anger, pain that someone was taken from us or has left us and we are here, alone, to pick up the pieces ourselves. So what do we do now?

Being a recent grad I will allow myself to speak from personal experience on the way that a lot, and I am not implying all, but a lot of college student handle these feeling of monotony or lonliness. The two most obvious are alcohol and sex.

Alcohol, god you have done wonders for my life to say the least. It seems the answer to almost any question that an 18-24 year-old has. You do well on an exam - you drink. You do horrible on an exam - you drink. You are celebrating an occassion - you drink. You are wallowing in a break-up - you drink. You drink for every reason and you drink for no reason at all. Why? Maybe it is the social scene, being able to open yourself up to things that you would never do sober and subconsciously have always wanted to say or do. We have all heard of the angry drunks, and the emotional drunks, but either way drinking brings about some type of outlet that most can't admit to. Drunk dials, telling the guy/girl that sat next to you all semester that you think they are hot, showing up at the dorm room of your ex begging for them back, destroying some sort of property just because you are that cool... alcohol can single-handedly make you feel like in doing these things you are making the best decision. Alcohol is an outlet that makes us feel, when we don't want to admit that we feel, but at the end of the night in our hearts and our heads it tells us what we really think.

Sex. Not even sex, but any type of sexual encounter ranging from an ass-grab, an intense make-out, even the across the room eye-f*ck, very common amongst college students. Why is it that we find the urge to try and get in the pants of anything human when we are at a low-point in our lives? As much as people don't want to admit that there are feelings involved in the one-night stand or the friends with benefits, I challenge you to call my bluff on this. Sex makes you feel. Maybe not the head-over-heels in love want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with this person feeling, but it physically makes you feel and I believe there is some emotional attachment that stems from it, if only in ourselves. Now give me a chance to explain. Even if you only want to hook-up for the fact of hooking-up, we do it because it FEELS good. In such a confusing time, the college years, where we don't know what the hell we are doing with our lives, we can feel some sense of being wanted from an attraction of another person. For that instant, or that night, we, out of 6 billion people in this world were chosen. The reason why is insignificant and only complicates the situation, so we will overlook it. But our bodies go through a sexual gratification, stimulation, the urges that we can't control any more and lead up to any one of numerous climaxes. We feel, if only for that second, within ourselves, something that overtakes our bodies and our minds.

So I state again, these people that are brought into our lives: the conversations we hold, the awkward mishaps, and the brushes of fate, with all hope, we are able to allow ourselves to let someone in, so we can feel more than what we simply do to ourselves, but the feelings -- both good and bad -- that others install in us.

inferiority

Livejournal seems very high school, even thought I didn't use it until college, so I am making a new journal in which I have all hopes of making dignified, reflective, and meaningful posts to help exhuberate this new stage of my life.

Being home, even these first few days, doesn't seem right. But thinking about being anywhere right now doesn't seem right. It's as if I'm a lost soul, treading through the waters of everyday life searching for that final destination in which I will find something to make this meaningful.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

I don't feel.