I've had a lot on my mind lately and no real outlet to put it so bear with me, my mid-life crisis continues.
I hate being such an analytical and reflective person sometimes, but I am, so I get through it somehow. In the big picture, my life is pretty good as I believe a lot of people's are, even if they don't realize it. When we don't have something we constantly have that reminder of the abscense of whatever that thing is, when in fact we are surrounded by so much that we take for granted.
I think I've made it pretty clear that I have a lot of friends that I keep in touch with because my friends are my life. I thrive on socialization. I have the days where I need my alone time, but 90% of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I'm so interested in the way people think and interact it just consumes me. I keep these relationships close to my heart because I depend on these people, even though most of them don't know it. It's the small things, you know? They make you feel loved, even if we don't want to admit we need it.
My latest reflection revolves around intimate relationships. In the past I've been known for my relationships, moreso, for always being involved in a relationship. I can't really explain why this has been the pattern in my life, but the best solution I can come up with is that I have always had a need for being close to someone. The idea of being as intact with another human being as possible is so appealing to me. Consuming myself in another person might be my way of staying away from the issues I have with myself. I'm not sure about this theory yet. So I made myself a promise; a promise not too many people knew about.
When I became single, I told myself I had to remain single for an entire year. This started through a very psychosocialemotional conversation that I had with a professional about where my life was going. In order to completely rid myself of the past, I had to take an entire year off to focus on myself. In short, this has been difficult. Not in the sense that I wanted to have a relationship with any said person this past year, but my extreme need for that closeness on a different level with another person. That inimate, giving of oneself to another. But now that the year is almost up, I've learned the type of person I want to be with.
The hopeless thing is, I don't see that person coming into my life anytime soon. I have this vision of where I need to be in my life to have a stable relationship, and unfortunatley that does not reside in Cleveland, Ohio while I am getting my Master's. As unrealistic as it sounds, I know that the person I want to be with isn't here, so I have to accept that my vow is going to be longer than anticipated.
In actuality, it just sucks, it really sucks. All I want right now is a good conversation with a person of the opposite sex. Unfortunatley, every male I meet in this city is a complete waste of my time, and I have figured that out in the first 7 minutes of talking to them. I didn't come to this city searching for a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to have that human contact with. Just someone to lay around with, joke, have good conversation, and possibly nap with in my bed, because I finally have a huge bed, and I don't take up the entire thing by myself.
There's a lot more I have to say, but I am taking a risk in thinking Amsterdam will inspire me and I will come back with some amazing phenomenon to discuss. Until then, I'm relying on these two lyrics.
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
"Heart of the Matter" - India Arie
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
"Breakable" - Ingrid Michaelson
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
time for some changes
I came to a harsh reality last night as I was driving 3.5 hours back from UD, hungover, with all the windows down in 35 degree weather. I've been letting myself get caught up in the idea of something that is no longer there. There was a period in my life where I was so unbelievably happy, I would wake up in the morning and think "Wow, I love being me." And I meant it. It's not often where you are satisfied with all the decisions that have taken you to the spot where you are at. And I haven't felt that in a really long time. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and one day everything is just going to fall perfectly back into that place; and it's not.
Some of those people and places and things are no longer in my life, and as much as I wish my life was like a movie, they aren't going to magically appear at my door and make me feel whole again. There comes a time when you just have to move on, completely from a life that you were so comfortable in, and make yourself a new life.
I've realized how much my life had changed in the last 9 months; I mean truly reflected on it. I'm doing all of these things I never thought I would be doing, and all I am focusing on is May 2009, when I will move to a new city and my life will begin all over again. Well, for the next 15 months I can't live in this fantasy would I've build to keep me protected.
Some changes are going to be made. I'm going to take some serious leaps in the next few weeks, and I can only hope for the best. But if I don't try, then I will never know.
Some of those people and places and things are no longer in my life, and as much as I wish my life was like a movie, they aren't going to magically appear at my door and make me feel whole again. There comes a time when you just have to move on, completely from a life that you were so comfortable in, and make yourself a new life.
I've realized how much my life had changed in the last 9 months; I mean truly reflected on it. I'm doing all of these things I never thought I would be doing, and all I am focusing on is May 2009, when I will move to a new city and my life will begin all over again. Well, for the next 15 months I can't live in this fantasy would I've build to keep me protected.
Some changes are going to be made. I'm going to take some serious leaps in the next few weeks, and I can only hope for the best. But if I don't try, then I will never know.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
that thing, that moment
i've been recently reminded of one of the best things about life: connecting with a person on a totally different level. i believe that there are certain people that are suppose to come into your life at some point, whatever the reason may be, and there is an instant connection. i'm not talking about sexual attraction, or seeing your future partner for the first time. what i'm trying to explain i don't think can actually be done with words. if you've ever had this connection with a person, you know what i am talking about.
in my life it has happened few times than i can count on one hand and the last time it happened turned into one of the friendships that i hold nearest and dearest to me. but that was about 5 years ago and until a few days ago i complete forgot about it. for some reason i had this happen to me again, in a way i would have never expected, but it feels so right. it's wierd, i barely know anything about this person, yet i am so taken back by everything they have to say. it's some wierd addiction, where you could talk all night, through the night, and still have so much left to say. i think it is what was missing in my life; finding someone who completely understands you. it feels so right to have this in my life right now.
i have decided there are 3 things that are very important for me to have a connection with a person. the first is a sense of humor. it is vital for me to surround myself with people that can make me laugh. that laughter that comes so naturally, and about everything. you can act awkward, you can make fun of the other person, everything can be turned into something to smile about. some people are very very good at portraying themselves in this way, and i am envious. one of my favorite things in the world is laying in bed with a person and having conversation that is filled with points where you are laughing so hard you are crying. it's such a comfort.
the second this is someone who is intelligent. this is going to sound horrible, but i cannot stand people who are stupid, and by stupid i mean people who do not have common sense. i dont need intelligence that comes from a diploma, or a well-respected job title, but someone who i can have a serious conversation about a religion or politics (gasp) and they aren't completely out of the loop. i'm a conversationalist. i need to be with people who can keep up with that.
lastly, and this one is the clincher, someone who has fallen in love with music. this is more important for someone that i would be involved with. i don't think i could ever date someone who wasn't passionate about music, and concerts, and discovering bands, etc. apparently my birth father was a guitarist in a band, and i believe that his love for music was passed straight to me. music just completes me. i feel like music has impacted my life in so many ways and when i find a good song or a new band it makes me a little bit of a better person.
anyways, i'm becoming more comfortable with who i am, who i want to become, and who i want to surround myself with. and it's an added bonus that i feel like i'm understood by someone who knows so very little about me.
i'm beginning to find happiness in places i didn't think it existed.
in my life it has happened few times than i can count on one hand and the last time it happened turned into one of the friendships that i hold nearest and dearest to me. but that was about 5 years ago and until a few days ago i complete forgot about it. for some reason i had this happen to me again, in a way i would have never expected, but it feels so right. it's wierd, i barely know anything about this person, yet i am so taken back by everything they have to say. it's some wierd addiction, where you could talk all night, through the night, and still have so much left to say. i think it is what was missing in my life; finding someone who completely understands you. it feels so right to have this in my life right now.
i have decided there are 3 things that are very important for me to have a connection with a person. the first is a sense of humor. it is vital for me to surround myself with people that can make me laugh. that laughter that comes so naturally, and about everything. you can act awkward, you can make fun of the other person, everything can be turned into something to smile about. some people are very very good at portraying themselves in this way, and i am envious. one of my favorite things in the world is laying in bed with a person and having conversation that is filled with points where you are laughing so hard you are crying. it's such a comfort.
the second this is someone who is intelligent. this is going to sound horrible, but i cannot stand people who are stupid, and by stupid i mean people who do not have common sense. i dont need intelligence that comes from a diploma, or a well-respected job title, but someone who i can have a serious conversation about a religion or politics (gasp) and they aren't completely out of the loop. i'm a conversationalist. i need to be with people who can keep up with that.
lastly, and this one is the clincher, someone who has fallen in love with music. this is more important for someone that i would be involved with. i don't think i could ever date someone who wasn't passionate about music, and concerts, and discovering bands, etc. apparently my birth father was a guitarist in a band, and i believe that his love for music was passed straight to me. music just completes me. i feel like music has impacted my life in so many ways and when i find a good song or a new band it makes me a little bit of a better person.
anyways, i'm becoming more comfortable with who i am, who i want to become, and who i want to surround myself with. and it's an added bonus that i feel like i'm understood by someone who knows so very little about me.
i'm beginning to find happiness in places i didn't think it existed.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
we can't go back
I have a lot on my mind, but no real substance. Just a bunch of unconnected thoughts that have nowhere to go and keep me up at night, forcing me to try and make sense of my day to day actions. I'm bored. Physically, emotionally, psychologically bored with the path my life is taking. Grad school may be tedious, but it's really not that hard. Intern, class, read, write a paper. The fact that my life is organized by lists and the insane amount of pleasure I get from crossing something off one of those lists really motivates me to stay on track. At the end of most days I'm not stressed and I just lay there wanting more; something more out of life.
How do normal people fall asleep? I can't just look at the clock, realize it's 11PM, and force myself to go to bed. Those urges usually kick in around 4AM, and that is only because I have exhausted my brain with ridiculous ideas.
Do you ever reach for the phone, with the idea of calling someone, but once you go to dial the numbers you realize the person you want to talk to doesn't exist? I'm have overwhelming experiences of this; I have so much to say, but no person to convey it to.
One thing I have gathered over the last month is an appreciation of the people in my life. We've all moved in very different directions, so when you are surrounded by that again it's a nice feeling. But nice isn't what life is about. What's that saying? Life is about the moments measured by something or other? Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for who I have in my life, but when you wake up in the morning and realize you are on your own, it's scary.
I'm sick of this waiting game. I sound very bi-polar, because every time I write something it's about waiting, or going out and doing something, or being sick of waiting. I guessed I've just reached a point where I want something more. I don't want to have countdowns to exciting events, I want every day to hold something exciting. It seems like too much to ask, but I can remember a time in my life where I woke up an was genuinely happy. I wish that place and those people still existed.
I hope this year brings new experiences and people. I've kind of passed the post-college phase and am onto the "holy shit I'm in the real world" phase of my life. I really need to go back and find the person I use to be. The one who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. What I really need to do is come to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this life for the next year and a half of my life and make the most of it.
I'm ready.
How do normal people fall asleep? I can't just look at the clock, realize it's 11PM, and force myself to go to bed. Those urges usually kick in around 4AM, and that is only because I have exhausted my brain with ridiculous ideas.
Do you ever reach for the phone, with the idea of calling someone, but once you go to dial the numbers you realize the person you want to talk to doesn't exist? I'm have overwhelming experiences of this; I have so much to say, but no person to convey it to.
One thing I have gathered over the last month is an appreciation of the people in my life. We've all moved in very different directions, so when you are surrounded by that again it's a nice feeling. But nice isn't what life is about. What's that saying? Life is about the moments measured by something or other? Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for who I have in my life, but when you wake up in the morning and realize you are on your own, it's scary.
I'm sick of this waiting game. I sound very bi-polar, because every time I write something it's about waiting, or going out and doing something, or being sick of waiting. I guessed I've just reached a point where I want something more. I don't want to have countdowns to exciting events, I want every day to hold something exciting. It seems like too much to ask, but I can remember a time in my life where I woke up an was genuinely happy. I wish that place and those people still existed.
I hope this year brings new experiences and people. I've kind of passed the post-college phase and am onto the "holy shit I'm in the real world" phase of my life. I really need to go back and find the person I use to be. The one who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. What I really need to do is come to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this life for the next year and a half of my life and make the most of it.
I'm ready.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
maybe this year.
Welcome to my stereotypical entry on the new year. I hate the fact that once Jan 1 hits everyone decides to make these big plans for change in their lives, but I am one of those people. So my big resolution for the year? Well it, like me, is not that simple.
I've been having a lot of conversations with different people about how this is the time in our lives where we have a lot of freedoms. I want to take advantage of the fact that I have nothing holding me down from doing anything and everything that I want. The fact that most people I know have real careers right now makes me want to take a couple years to do things I may not get a chance to do. I'm not going to be able to accomplish this all in 2008, but it's a good time to start exploring the options I have for myself.
I'm going to start simple: explore bookstores and coffeshops around my apartment, find parks and trails and really jump into this photography thing, write poetry again, go to exotic restaurants and order things I would never think I would eat. It sounds stupid, but I really need to push myself to get out and surround myself with the things around me.
The only expectations I am holding for this year: have a ridiculously amazing time in Europe, put my heart & soul into doctorate applications, spend as much time with my family and friends as possible, and try to stay positive.
I'll try to write something insightful next time.
I've been having a lot of conversations with different people about how this is the time in our lives where we have a lot of freedoms. I want to take advantage of the fact that I have nothing holding me down from doing anything and everything that I want. The fact that most people I know have real careers right now makes me want to take a couple years to do things I may not get a chance to do. I'm not going to be able to accomplish this all in 2008, but it's a good time to start exploring the options I have for myself.
I'm going to start simple: explore bookstores and coffeshops around my apartment, find parks and trails and really jump into this photography thing, write poetry again, go to exotic restaurants and order things I would never think I would eat. It sounds stupid, but I really need to push myself to get out and surround myself with the things around me.
The only expectations I am holding for this year: have a ridiculously amazing time in Europe, put my heart & soul into doctorate applications, spend as much time with my family and friends as possible, and try to stay positive.
I'll try to write something insightful next time.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Hope for the hopeless
I found this quote the other day and I would like to share it.
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them."
I feel like this is the answer to several questions that I have about life. As always, I am finding myself contemplating why exactly I was put on this earth, and what purpose, if any, I have in living my life. You know the really peppy people that talk about how life is a gift and they try and live every day to the fullest? Well, I don't think there are enough things in life to make me happy about living every day, and I know that is selfish to say, but it's honest.
For instance, I woke up this morning at 9:30 a.m. and stayed in my bed until 4 pm. Not because I was sick, or tired, or depressed, but because I had no reason to do anything else but lay in my bed all day long. No job or class to attend, no obligation to be at, no person waiting to see me. There was not one thing that I could think of that could get me to move.
On other days I have work, or class, or the mere fact that my roommate will think I am the laziest piece of shit, to force me to get up. But there isn't something that is extraordinary, or something that I am mad or passionate about, that makes me wake up and think, "It's a brand new day, what can I accomplish."
I had this patient, a teenage girl who found out 10 minutes before walking into my office that she was pregnant. Problems pretty much in every aspect of her life. As she was walking out of my office after our session she asked me how old I was. I told her I knew I looked young and her reply was, "I can't believe you are a few years older than me and you have a good job like this, you are doing something with your life."
When people congratulate people about graduating, I think it's bullshit. For some reason I cannot explain, I don't think I deserve to be recognized for doing something that thousands and thousands of people do every year. I also think that people who don't have the opportunity to go to school because of whatever factor, should think less of themselves because they don't have a piece of paper saying that they spent 4 years socializing and went to class when they felt it appropriate. I knew I was going to graduate just like I know I am going to get my Master's and my PhD. People keep telling me it is really respectable that I have all these long-term goals and that I know what I want to do with my life. I think I just keep going to school because I don't know what I want to do with my life, and the idea of working behind a desk 9-5 is my version of hell.
I want to find something that I am so fucking passionate about I have trouble sleeping every night because I am so excited about the next day. I haven't felt that feeling in such a long time and it just builds up. I'm exhausted from doing nothing. I want to feel alive. I just want something to make sense to me.
And as a sidenote, I am so utterly sick and disgusted of people who bring others down. Someone told me that everyone makes mistakes, that it is part of being human, and there is a day where you come to terms with this and just let it go. The next time you go to criticize a person, remember this, because one day you are going to do something so unbelievably not you and need someone to pick you up.
If anyone could share something that they really and truly love and might be able to inspire me in some way, I would really appreciate it.
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them."
I feel like this is the answer to several questions that I have about life. As always, I am finding myself contemplating why exactly I was put on this earth, and what purpose, if any, I have in living my life. You know the really peppy people that talk about how life is a gift and they try and live every day to the fullest? Well, I don't think there are enough things in life to make me happy about living every day, and I know that is selfish to say, but it's honest.
For instance, I woke up this morning at 9:30 a.m. and stayed in my bed until 4 pm. Not because I was sick, or tired, or depressed, but because I had no reason to do anything else but lay in my bed all day long. No job or class to attend, no obligation to be at, no person waiting to see me. There was not one thing that I could think of that could get me to move.
On other days I have work, or class, or the mere fact that my roommate will think I am the laziest piece of shit, to force me to get up. But there isn't something that is extraordinary, or something that I am mad or passionate about, that makes me wake up and think, "It's a brand new day, what can I accomplish."
I had this patient, a teenage girl who found out 10 minutes before walking into my office that she was pregnant. Problems pretty much in every aspect of her life. As she was walking out of my office after our session she asked me how old I was. I told her I knew I looked young and her reply was, "I can't believe you are a few years older than me and you have a good job like this, you are doing something with your life."
When people congratulate people about graduating, I think it's bullshit. For some reason I cannot explain, I don't think I deserve to be recognized for doing something that thousands and thousands of people do every year. I also think that people who don't have the opportunity to go to school because of whatever factor, should think less of themselves because they don't have a piece of paper saying that they spent 4 years socializing and went to class when they felt it appropriate. I knew I was going to graduate just like I know I am going to get my Master's and my PhD. People keep telling me it is really respectable that I have all these long-term goals and that I know what I want to do with my life. I think I just keep going to school because I don't know what I want to do with my life, and the idea of working behind a desk 9-5 is my version of hell.
I want to find something that I am so fucking passionate about I have trouble sleeping every night because I am so excited about the next day. I haven't felt that feeling in such a long time and it just builds up. I'm exhausted from doing nothing. I want to feel alive. I just want something to make sense to me.
And as a sidenote, I am so utterly sick and disgusted of people who bring others down. Someone told me that everyone makes mistakes, that it is part of being human, and there is a day where you come to terms with this and just let it go. The next time you go to criticize a person, remember this, because one day you are going to do something so unbelievably not you and need someone to pick you up.
If anyone could share something that they really and truly love and might be able to inspire me in some way, I would really appreciate it.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
then you stand
I've had this new take on life the last couple of weeks; I'm just letting it happen. I've known I've said in the past I was going to do it, but this time I really have. I've allowed myself to let go, really just let go of a lot of built-up feelings. Not necessarily bad things, but things that were weighing me down. Surprisingly enough, it has made a huge impact on my life. In the past two weeks I have really been comfortable being myself. As impossible as it is to imagine, I've jumped a huge hurdle into not overanalyzing things. I'm just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me.
My latest thoughts have been about the loss of relationships throughout a lifetime, moreso in the friendship sense. For some reason I have noticed a steady pattern in my life of letting go of certain friendships, but there are a lot that have come back and mended themselves with time. This is an amazing phenomenon for me, because the thing that bothers me more than anything is losing a friend. I take my friendships extremely seriously and when that bond is broken for whatever reason, I honestly feel like there has been a death in my life.
I have really been lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I feel like a lot of people either have a good relationship with their high school friends or their college friends, and I have that with both. There is something about the people I hung out with in high school that keeps us together. Even though almost all of us went to different colleges, we have spent every single break together. It an extreme sense of comfort knowing that these people have remained in my life for so long and will continue to. They are the people that honestly do know me better than anyone else, and while it may come to bite me back in the ass sometimes, it is such an assuring feeling.
The friends I made in college were the people I always wanted in my life, but never had before. I know the best decision I made in my life was going to UD, because it made me open up a side of myself that I had never known before, but absolutely love. Its nice acting like an idiotic drunk, only to know your friends are right there with you. A lot of people told me that friendships would die after college, but here we are 6 months later, and I have kept in touch with almost everyone, even the people I thought I would never talk to again. When I am around these people I feel so care-free and not judged at all. They have seen me at my best and my worst, but they continue to love me anyways. I am forever grateful to the people who I shared those 4 years with.
Friendships change and grow with time, and the one thing I have come to realize is that they are unpredictable as shit. You never fully know a person, but things you would never expect to happen do. I guess that is part of learning who you are, when you realize that a person is taking away from how you see yourself. I've had some significant friendship losses throughout my life, even in childhood, which have affected me for a long time after. There's a point in life when you lose who you are, and I'm not saying it is the fault of the other person by any means, but you realize you need to take them out of the picture for some time. When you begin doing things you have been against your whole life, and acting out in ways you never thought possible, the only thing to do is cut those ties.
Luckily, time has brought a lot of close friends back to me. I guess that's why I'm just letting things happen right now. I have this year to not worry, and then I start looking into PhD programs. So until then, I've decided to take it easy. I'm enjoying the smaller things in life. Taking some time for myself, and spending time with people who I really feel are worthy of it. And that may sound bad, but I want to surround myself with people who are a positive influence on my life. It's a turning point; I'm done with the mornings where I wake up and am ashamed at my actions. I want to open myself up to the world and in return I want the world to show me everything it has to offer.
My latest thoughts have been about the loss of relationships throughout a lifetime, moreso in the friendship sense. For some reason I have noticed a steady pattern in my life of letting go of certain friendships, but there are a lot that have come back and mended themselves with time. This is an amazing phenomenon for me, because the thing that bothers me more than anything is losing a friend. I take my friendships extremely seriously and when that bond is broken for whatever reason, I honestly feel like there has been a death in my life.
I have really been lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I feel like a lot of people either have a good relationship with their high school friends or their college friends, and I have that with both. There is something about the people I hung out with in high school that keeps us together. Even though almost all of us went to different colleges, we have spent every single break together. It an extreme sense of comfort knowing that these people have remained in my life for so long and will continue to. They are the people that honestly do know me better than anyone else, and while it may come to bite me back in the ass sometimes, it is such an assuring feeling.
The friends I made in college were the people I always wanted in my life, but never had before. I know the best decision I made in my life was going to UD, because it made me open up a side of myself that I had never known before, but absolutely love. Its nice acting like an idiotic drunk, only to know your friends are right there with you. A lot of people told me that friendships would die after college, but here we are 6 months later, and I have kept in touch with almost everyone, even the people I thought I would never talk to again. When I am around these people I feel so care-free and not judged at all. They have seen me at my best and my worst, but they continue to love me anyways. I am forever grateful to the people who I shared those 4 years with.
Friendships change and grow with time, and the one thing I have come to realize is that they are unpredictable as shit. You never fully know a person, but things you would never expect to happen do. I guess that is part of learning who you are, when you realize that a person is taking away from how you see yourself. I've had some significant friendship losses throughout my life, even in childhood, which have affected me for a long time after. There's a point in life when you lose who you are, and I'm not saying it is the fault of the other person by any means, but you realize you need to take them out of the picture for some time. When you begin doing things you have been against your whole life, and acting out in ways you never thought possible, the only thing to do is cut those ties.
Luckily, time has brought a lot of close friends back to me. I guess that's why I'm just letting things happen right now. I have this year to not worry, and then I start looking into PhD programs. So until then, I've decided to take it easy. I'm enjoying the smaller things in life. Taking some time for myself, and spending time with people who I really feel are worthy of it. And that may sound bad, but I want to surround myself with people who are a positive influence on my life. It's a turning point; I'm done with the mornings where I wake up and am ashamed at my actions. I want to open myself up to the world and in return I want the world to show me everything it has to offer.
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