I've had this new take on life the last couple of weeks; I'm just letting it happen. I've known I've said in the past I was going to do it, but this time I really have. I've allowed myself to let go, really just let go of a lot of built-up feelings. Not necessarily bad things, but things that were weighing me down. Surprisingly enough, it has made a huge impact on my life. In the past two weeks I have really been comfortable being myself. As impossible as it is to imagine, I've jumped a huge hurdle into not overanalyzing things. I'm just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me.
My latest thoughts have been about the loss of relationships throughout a lifetime, moreso in the friendship sense. For some reason I have noticed a steady pattern in my life of letting go of certain friendships, but there are a lot that have come back and mended themselves with time. This is an amazing phenomenon for me, because the thing that bothers me more than anything is losing a friend. I take my friendships extremely seriously and when that bond is broken for whatever reason, I honestly feel like there has been a death in my life.
I have really been lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I feel like a lot of people either have a good relationship with their high school friends or their college friends, and I have that with both. There is something about the people I hung out with in high school that keeps us together. Even though almost all of us went to different colleges, we have spent every single break together. It an extreme sense of comfort knowing that these people have remained in my life for so long and will continue to. They are the people that honestly do know me better than anyone else, and while it may come to bite me back in the ass sometimes, it is such an assuring feeling.
The friends I made in college were the people I always wanted in my life, but never had before. I know the best decision I made in my life was going to UD, because it made me open up a side of myself that I had never known before, but absolutely love. Its nice acting like an idiotic drunk, only to know your friends are right there with you. A lot of people told me that friendships would die after college, but here we are 6 months later, and I have kept in touch with almost everyone, even the people I thought I would never talk to again. When I am around these people I feel so care-free and not judged at all. They have seen me at my best and my worst, but they continue to love me anyways. I am forever grateful to the people who I shared those 4 years with.
Friendships change and grow with time, and the one thing I have come to realize is that they are unpredictable as shit. You never fully know a person, but things you would never expect to happen do. I guess that is part of learning who you are, when you realize that a person is taking away from how you see yourself. I've had some significant friendship losses throughout my life, even in childhood, which have affected me for a long time after. There's a point in life when you lose who you are, and I'm not saying it is the fault of the other person by any means, but you realize you need to take them out of the picture for some time. When you begin doing things you have been against your whole life, and acting out in ways you never thought possible, the only thing to do is cut those ties.
Luckily, time has brought a lot of close friends back to me. I guess that's why I'm just letting things happen right now. I have this year to not worry, and then I start looking into PhD programs. So until then, I've decided to take it easy. I'm enjoying the smaller things in life. Taking some time for myself, and spending time with people who I really feel are worthy of it. And that may sound bad, but I want to surround myself with people who are a positive influence on my life. It's a turning point; I'm done with the mornings where I wake up and am ashamed at my actions. I want to open myself up to the world and in return I want the world to show me everything it has to offer.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
i'm ready
Why am I in my apartment at midnight on a Saturday night when there is an attractive, nice, funny, guy I met last night who is continuously asking me to hang out with him right now? Because I am an idiot.
I'm an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with someone and give them every part of me and then having it ripped out of my life with no explanation at all, no closure, no nothing. Like I am just suddenly suppose to be okay and move on with my life.
I am so fucking sick of feeling like I have to hide everything that I am feeling. I don't care what people think of me right now, I don't care how many people are going to bitch at me for publicly posting this for everyone to see. I don't care who knows that I feel this way, because I do, and I fucking hate that this situation will not get out of my life, but it won't, and I have absolutley no idea what to do about it.
I hate being in this city, I hate that everything around here reminds me of him, that the mall and bookstore next to me are places he took me to, that he drove with me around this fucking neighborhood after my interview, that his friend is in my class. He won't go away, why can't he just go away.
I just wish I knew what I had to do to stop feeling like this. I just wish it was all gone, erased from my memory, everything. I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of beating myself up over this. It's like I'm in a constant competition with my head. I just want my closure and my life to move on. I honestly just want to move on, and I don't know when it is going to happen.
I'm so sick of hearing people who have been in long-term relationships, and people that are engaged, and people that are married, telling me that my day is going to come. Really, you don't know me, and you can't predict the fucking future, so don't proclaim your love and happiness onto me.
It's just different. You are with someone for so long that they become a part of who you are and no one else understand that. Its you and them vs. the world, and we had a hell of a time fighting off that world, but it's something that I could never put into words, it something that no one else will ever feel or share, it was us.
And it's time to move on, it's been time to move on for a while. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be over it. But maybe this is one of those things you get over, it is a piece of who you were and who you are and you just grow out of it.
I'm tired and I'm lonely and I'm scared I will never feel that way again. Someone just make it go away and let me find someone. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, and I want to find someone and make them happy and them make me happy and be head over heels and have a fairytale ending. I deserve happiness, I don't deserve feeling like this anymore. I did my time, I'm ready for my life to move on, so just do it already.
we never loved ourselves so well as when we lusted after another. we hummed along to electric guitars and the standard "whoa oh oh oh's" and we drank each other under the covers... give me the strength to be widowed now that the honeymoon's over.
I'm an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with someone and give them every part of me and then having it ripped out of my life with no explanation at all, no closure, no nothing. Like I am just suddenly suppose to be okay and move on with my life.
I am so fucking sick of feeling like I have to hide everything that I am feeling. I don't care what people think of me right now, I don't care how many people are going to bitch at me for publicly posting this for everyone to see. I don't care who knows that I feel this way, because I do, and I fucking hate that this situation will not get out of my life, but it won't, and I have absolutley no idea what to do about it.
I hate being in this city, I hate that everything around here reminds me of him, that the mall and bookstore next to me are places he took me to, that he drove with me around this fucking neighborhood after my interview, that his friend is in my class. He won't go away, why can't he just go away.
I just wish I knew what I had to do to stop feeling like this. I just wish it was all gone, erased from my memory, everything. I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of beating myself up over this. It's like I'm in a constant competition with my head. I just want my closure and my life to move on. I honestly just want to move on, and I don't know when it is going to happen.
I'm so sick of hearing people who have been in long-term relationships, and people that are engaged, and people that are married, telling me that my day is going to come. Really, you don't know me, and you can't predict the fucking future, so don't proclaim your love and happiness onto me.
It's just different. You are with someone for so long that they become a part of who you are and no one else understand that. Its you and them vs. the world, and we had a hell of a time fighting off that world, but it's something that I could never put into words, it something that no one else will ever feel or share, it was us.
And it's time to move on, it's been time to move on for a while. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be over it. But maybe this is one of those things you get over, it is a piece of who you were and who you are and you just grow out of it.
I'm tired and I'm lonely and I'm scared I will never feel that way again. Someone just make it go away and let me find someone. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, and I want to find someone and make them happy and them make me happy and be head over heels and have a fairytale ending. I deserve happiness, I don't deserve feeling like this anymore. I did my time, I'm ready for my life to move on, so just do it already.
we never loved ourselves so well as when we lusted after another. we hummed along to electric guitars and the standard "whoa oh oh oh's" and we drank each other under the covers... give me the strength to be widowed now that the honeymoon's over.
Monday, October 15, 2007
love actually is all around...?
Relationships. If I wasn't so burnt out from life right now I would try to write some amazing entry on the complexity yet beauty that relationships hold for people, but that will have to wait for another time. For the first time in my life everyone around me is in a relationship. My entire niche from high school has a significant other, my sister, my cousin's, most of my UD friends, and everyone in grad school is in a one or is engaged, or married. Seriously.
It's wierd, not in a bad way, but in a different way. When I went home last weekend it was all my friends, the people they are dating, and then me. Haha. I guess it's wierd because since high school began I was always the person in a relationship, and now things have done a 180. Funny thing is, I like it. I saw all of my friends, genuinely happy, in healthy relationships, and it gave me hope that there are good relationships out there, ones that work, that don't require constant effort, and I like knowing that all my friends have this happiness.
It is also wierd because for the first time in a long time I don't have time to think about relationships, except that hour before I go to sleep when I just want to have a really good phone conversation while smelling my sheets that still have their scent on them, or the nights where I want to curl up next to someone and wake up next to them and just smile because for those minutes all is well in the world.
I guess I'm just not use to this. This independence that I wanted for so long, I have it all, and I don't have anyone to share things with. The connection you have with friends is one thing, but there is something about a significant other that just makes you feel complete in a way. When things are so good or so bad you don't think twice about it, they are the first one you call. I kind of miss having that person to call, or moreso, being that person for someone else.
I know I am really maturing, because, another first for me, I am not settling. Not that I have settled in the past, but I've met guys, I've had people ask me out, and I'm being completely honest and telling them I don't want to waste their time. That sounds bad, but I want something real, and if it means waiting years to find it, I guess that is what I am going to have to do.
Maybe I'm lonely, or maybe I'm just really missing that feeling of comfort. You grow so close to someone, so attached, you know them better than you know yourself, and then it's gone. Picking up the pieces is a tedious process. I'm just waiting for something to happen in my life, not even a relationship, because I'm liking this freedom, but someone to give me butterflies
when I see their name across my phone.
I guess I just really want to know if I well ever feel that again.
It's wierd, not in a bad way, but in a different way. When I went home last weekend it was all my friends, the people they are dating, and then me. Haha. I guess it's wierd because since high school began I was always the person in a relationship, and now things have done a 180. Funny thing is, I like it. I saw all of my friends, genuinely happy, in healthy relationships, and it gave me hope that there are good relationships out there, ones that work, that don't require constant effort, and I like knowing that all my friends have this happiness.
It is also wierd because for the first time in a long time I don't have time to think about relationships, except that hour before I go to sleep when I just want to have a really good phone conversation while smelling my sheets that still have their scent on them, or the nights where I want to curl up next to someone and wake up next to them and just smile because for those minutes all is well in the world.
I guess I'm just not use to this. This independence that I wanted for so long, I have it all, and I don't have anyone to share things with. The connection you have with friends is one thing, but there is something about a significant other that just makes you feel complete in a way. When things are so good or so bad you don't think twice about it, they are the first one you call. I kind of miss having that person to call, or moreso, being that person for someone else.
I know I am really maturing, because, another first for me, I am not settling. Not that I have settled in the past, but I've met guys, I've had people ask me out, and I'm being completely honest and telling them I don't want to waste their time. That sounds bad, but I want something real, and if it means waiting years to find it, I guess that is what I am going to have to do.
Maybe I'm lonely, or maybe I'm just really missing that feeling of comfort. You grow so close to someone, so attached, you know them better than you know yourself, and then it's gone. Picking up the pieces is a tedious process. I'm just waiting for something to happen in my life, not even a relationship, because I'm liking this freedom, but someone to give me butterflies
when I see their name across my phone.
I guess I just really want to know if I well ever feel that again.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Unpredictible is an understatement
If someone would have told me one year ago where I would be today, I wouldn't believe them. It's amazing the changes that have happened in just a year, and it really makes me wonder where I am going to be a year from right now.
I've taken a much better outlook on my life in the past few days. I am really luck to be where I am right now. Grad school, let alone Case, is something I didn't know if I would be able to accomplish. My internship is probably one of the most rewarding things I have done in my life. It's hard, especially emotionally, but I'm making a difference. Seeing these pregnant girls walk into my office and tell me their stories and want to do something with there lives and knowing a part of it is in my hands is sureal. I had a woman the other day say that I helped her in more ways than she could imagine and she felt a real weight lifted off her shoulders. I am helping people, and that is all I really want to do in my life. Make someone else's life a little bit easier. It is a real genuine happiness that I haven't felt in a while.
I've also made some really good friends. People who are passionate about the same things I am. It's wierd, because we are all going to school for the same thing, and everyone just clicks. I'm the awkward and random one and I love it. I feel like I can really be myself around these people and that is comforting. No one judges you.
I'm learning that people come and go in your life, and you really have to cherish the people that stay in it. I met so many people in undergrad that changed me, made me a better person, and made me realize how capable I am and strengths I never knew I possessed. Not being around these people every day just makes me realize how important they are in my life. I want to challenge people to not take for granted those that are in their lives. I've been doing things that I am semi-hesitant about lately. You know when you really want to do something but sometime is holding you back? I'm just going for it lately, whether it is starting a conversation with someone I haven't had in my life for a while, or stepping out of my comfort zone, and the truth is it really does pay off.
I've done a lot of things in my 22 years that I am proud of, and some that were not my brightest moment, but I'm not perfect. I'm human, I've make mistakes and I've done things that I don't think reflect who I really am. But I've had people stick through thick and thin with me and it's those people who make me want to get up and do something with my life. I've always known I would never be one of those people with a desk job, putting figures into a computer all day. I need to be active, I need to be an advocate for something I believe in.
I don't know where I'll be a year from now, hell I don't know what I am going to be doing tomorrow, but I'm finally okay with that. I'm letting life happen. You take it one day at a time and stay thankful for the experiences that you have had. Every day isn't going to be a great one, but I'm really trying to make the most of what I have each day.
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
I've taken a much better outlook on my life in the past few days. I am really luck to be where I am right now. Grad school, let alone Case, is something I didn't know if I would be able to accomplish. My internship is probably one of the most rewarding things I have done in my life. It's hard, especially emotionally, but I'm making a difference. Seeing these pregnant girls walk into my office and tell me their stories and want to do something with there lives and knowing a part of it is in my hands is sureal. I had a woman the other day say that I helped her in more ways than she could imagine and she felt a real weight lifted off her shoulders. I am helping people, and that is all I really want to do in my life. Make someone else's life a little bit easier. It is a real genuine happiness that I haven't felt in a while.
I've also made some really good friends. People who are passionate about the same things I am. It's wierd, because we are all going to school for the same thing, and everyone just clicks. I'm the awkward and random one and I love it. I feel like I can really be myself around these people and that is comforting. No one judges you.
I'm learning that people come and go in your life, and you really have to cherish the people that stay in it. I met so many people in undergrad that changed me, made me a better person, and made me realize how capable I am and strengths I never knew I possessed. Not being around these people every day just makes me realize how important they are in my life. I want to challenge people to not take for granted those that are in their lives. I've been doing things that I am semi-hesitant about lately. You know when you really want to do something but sometime is holding you back? I'm just going for it lately, whether it is starting a conversation with someone I haven't had in my life for a while, or stepping out of my comfort zone, and the truth is it really does pay off.
I've done a lot of things in my 22 years that I am proud of, and some that were not my brightest moment, but I'm not perfect. I'm human, I've make mistakes and I've done things that I don't think reflect who I really am. But I've had people stick through thick and thin with me and it's those people who make me want to get up and do something with my life. I've always known I would never be one of those people with a desk job, putting figures into a computer all day. I need to be active, I need to be an advocate for something I believe in.
I don't know where I'll be a year from now, hell I don't know what I am going to be doing tomorrow, but I'm finally okay with that. I'm letting life happen. You take it one day at a time and stay thankful for the experiences that you have had. Every day isn't going to be a great one, but I'm really trying to make the most of what I have each day.
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
And I feel nothing, not safe
I don't even have time to write in here anymore. My life is no longer my own.
So many things have happened, yet so little has happened. Grad school is hard, not a 'this is impossible' sense, but in a 'takes up all of your time every day' sense. I'm just exhausted all of the time, and once I think I've caught up it all starts over again. Not to mention, my internship is emotionally draining. I think I've over-involved myself and I had no idea what I was getting into. I don't even know if this is what I want to do with my life.
It just seems like I am putting so much time and effort into something I am unsure about. I always had a plan for my life, and everytime I get a step closer to what I wanted, I can't tell if it is really what I did want.
I envy so many people right now. I wish I could be back at UD; I still haven't gotten it through my head that things will never be the same. I'm longing for a place that no longer exists. I'm missing a lot of people, just missing the comfort of always having someone around to cheer you up, or ask you to go out for a beer and catch up, I need to be around people that I know care about me.
I always do this. I wanted to move to a new city and start all over, and now I wish I was anywhere but here. I hate change, hate it, so why did I decide to change everything in my life? I keep telling myself it is going to be worth it, but I think I just say it to try and make myself feel better, which isn't happening.
I'm exhausted and lonely and waiting for something to happen that gives me a little indication that this is where I am suppose to be right now. I need something to save me.
Do you ever feel like you will never truly be happy again?
So many things have happened, yet so little has happened. Grad school is hard, not a 'this is impossible' sense, but in a 'takes up all of your time every day' sense. I'm just exhausted all of the time, and once I think I've caught up it all starts over again. Not to mention, my internship is emotionally draining. I think I've over-involved myself and I had no idea what I was getting into. I don't even know if this is what I want to do with my life.
It just seems like I am putting so much time and effort into something I am unsure about. I always had a plan for my life, and everytime I get a step closer to what I wanted, I can't tell if it is really what I did want.
I envy so many people right now. I wish I could be back at UD; I still haven't gotten it through my head that things will never be the same. I'm longing for a place that no longer exists. I'm missing a lot of people, just missing the comfort of always having someone around to cheer you up, or ask you to go out for a beer and catch up, I need to be around people that I know care about me.
I always do this. I wanted to move to a new city and start all over, and now I wish I was anywhere but here. I hate change, hate it, so why did I decide to change everything in my life? I keep telling myself it is going to be worth it, but I think I just say it to try and make myself feel better, which isn't happening.
I'm exhausted and lonely and waiting for something to happen that gives me a little indication that this is where I am suppose to be right now. I need something to save me.
Do you ever feel like you will never truly be happy again?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
it all just feels so wrong
I think I had too high of expectation for moving. For some reason I thought I would live in a building full of people my age, become great friends with all of them, drink, laugh, and be happy. Needless to say, this did not happen.
It's not that I'm not liking Cleveland, but I'm not at UD anymore, and I'm missing that familiarity; being able to walk to everyone's houses, staying up late talking and drinking and goofing off, being with all my favorite people, being comfortable, feeling wanted, etc. When I arrived at UD it felt so right, and everything about this move just doesn't. And I know I fear change and I have to give it more time than a week and a half, but I'm just not happy.
It doesn't help that I didn't have electricity for 2 days, they keep pushing our internet date back, and my room is so f'ing hot I can't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time. It's boring. I guess in a way it is nice because I have spent more time talking to people on the phone in the past week than I have in the past year, but I just feel like life is uneventful. UD was never boring, and now I'm in a whole new city, and I feel like there are so many possibilities, but I am just wasting my life away.
Case is going to be so much harder than I anticipated and all I want is someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't feel like I fit it, and I'm really contemplating if this is the right decision for me. I miss feeling wanted and loved and needed. I'm just sad all of the time; really sad.
One last Phone call from you
It wouldn’t hurt much
I'd just like to hear your voice
And pretend to touch
Any inch of you that hasn’t
Said it all or read it all..
or sung my life away
It's not that I'm not liking Cleveland, but I'm not at UD anymore, and I'm missing that familiarity; being able to walk to everyone's houses, staying up late talking and drinking and goofing off, being with all my favorite people, being comfortable, feeling wanted, etc. When I arrived at UD it felt so right, and everything about this move just doesn't. And I know I fear change and I have to give it more time than a week and a half, but I'm just not happy.
It doesn't help that I didn't have electricity for 2 days, they keep pushing our internet date back, and my room is so f'ing hot I can't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time. It's boring. I guess in a way it is nice because I have spent more time talking to people on the phone in the past week than I have in the past year, but I just feel like life is uneventful. UD was never boring, and now I'm in a whole new city, and I feel like there are so many possibilities, but I am just wasting my life away.
Case is going to be so much harder than I anticipated and all I want is someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't feel like I fit it, and I'm really contemplating if this is the right decision for me. I miss feeling wanted and loved and needed. I'm just sad all of the time; really sad.
One last Phone call from you
It wouldn’t hurt much
I'd just like to hear your voice
And pretend to touch
Any inch of you that hasn’t
Said it all or read it all..
or sung my life away
Monday, August 13, 2007
coffee & cigarettes
I move in 2 days. How do I feel? Relieved.
I feel like Cleveland is a new beginning. I know very few people there, so I can be whomever I want to be. I've had my inner artist come out the past few weeks. Wierd that I wished to be an artist, and I'm being creative in my own odd way.
I've decided I'm going to dedicate a huge amount of time to discovering bands. I've always done this, but with the help of others. I've been taking some risks, going out of my 'comfort zone' of music, and finding some really amazing things. Once this is accomplished I am give people the opportunity to tell me what kind of music they want to hear, and I'm going to make CDs. Spread the word about artists who don't get the recognition that they deserve. Plus giving music to people is one of the most cathartic things for me.
I've found a lot of comfort lately in bookstores, photography, and painting. Things I've always secretly loved, but never really shared with anyone. We will see how it goes.
I'm ready to meet someone I can stay up for hours with, talking about important issues, drink coffee with, and laugh. I'm not even talking relationship, just someone who understands and accepts me.
I feel like Cleveland is a new beginning. I know very few people there, so I can be whomever I want to be. I've had my inner artist come out the past few weeks. Wierd that I wished to be an artist, and I'm being creative in my own odd way.
I've decided I'm going to dedicate a huge amount of time to discovering bands. I've always done this, but with the help of others. I've been taking some risks, going out of my 'comfort zone' of music, and finding some really amazing things. Once this is accomplished I am give people the opportunity to tell me what kind of music they want to hear, and I'm going to make CDs. Spread the word about artists who don't get the recognition that they deserve. Plus giving music to people is one of the most cathartic things for me.
I've found a lot of comfort lately in bookstores, photography, and painting. Things I've always secretly loved, but never really shared with anyone. We will see how it goes.
I'm ready to meet someone I can stay up for hours with, talking about important issues, drink coffee with, and laugh. I'm not even talking relationship, just someone who understands and accepts me.
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