something old, something new

I've had a couple friends who did this and I really enjoyed learning things about them I don't think I otherwise ever would. So here goes, 25 random things about me.

1. Every year on my birthday I dedicate a portion of time to spend thinking about my birth mom. I think she does this for me too. At least, I pretend she does.
2. I have an insanely good memory. People think it's actually stalker-ish how much I remember about the past. It’s more of a curse than a blessing.
3. When I was 8 years old I watched the movie Big. I thought it was so cool that Tom Hanks got to play with toys at work. I decided then and there that when I grew up I was going to be a child psychologist, so that I could play with toys at work.
4. I was very quiet in grade school. I went on a cruise the summer after my freshman year. I was forced out of my shell on that trip because I knew no one. I ended up meeting some amazing people and from then on have been social, sarcastic, and awkward. It is so much better that way.
5. Almost every time I go out, a stranger tells me I need to smile. I feel like I'm smiling, but I guess I never am. It really bothers me.
6. I really don't know why my Will Smith obsession ever started. I always told people that I would meet him and no one ever believed me. Meeting him gave me the hope I needed to realize I can do anything I set my mind to.
7. A lot of people tell me that when they first saw me, they thought I was a complete bitch. They had no reason to, but I gave out the vibe I guess. This saddens me because it makes me think I've missed out on a lot of good people in my life over something I have no control over.
8. People think I am nuts for wanting to get my PhD, especially going straight through. I think people are nuts for wanting to work a 9-5 job.
9. I could never have imagined how close I would grow with the family I babysit for right now. I feel like they are my own family. I met them via Craigslist.
10. When my parent's told me my mom was pregnant, I didn't talk to any member of my family for a week. I hate change that much. Frankie is the best thing in my life and I couldn't imagine her not being here.
11. I have a lot of different groups of friends. They each provide a very necessary aspect in my life. I also hate letting people go.
12. I started taking a hip hop class at the gym a couple of weeks ago. Even though I look ridiculous doing it, it makes me feel really good about myself.
13. Out of left field I’ve developed really bad anxiety. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. This mixed with over-analyzing sucks real bad somedays.
14. When I was little I would watch Wheel of Fortune with my grandpa. He told me he wanted me to go on the show cuz he thought I would win. I watch it every night I can and am pretty darn good.
15. I am obsessed with Mexican food, especially taco bell, even though people tell me it isn’t really Mexican. My parents joke that they got me from Mexico because it’s literally all I ever want to eat.
16. There is nothing better than a long drive on a spring day. Especially paired with hardcore emo music and/or 80s music.
17. I developed an obsession for heels over Christmas break. I have a horrible shoe collection and am slowly trying to change that.
18. When I was in 4th grade I saw a tornado. We were at Banner Mattress and Furniture, buy my sister a new bed. I hit under a desk and watched it go down the road. Whenever there is a tornado warning I freak.
19. The three best vacations I have ever had were: summer before freshman year at UD with all my best high school friends, Daytona junior year, and Amsterdam last Spring. I am betting that Italy this summer will join that list.
20. I started pre-school when I was 2. I could do multiplication tables at age 3. I read 578 books in 1st grade for Book-It. I wish I had that much motivation to do anything at this point in my life.
21. My relationships with my two best friends had unusual starts. Mary stole my best friend in 3rd grade during a Girl Scout event and I went home and cried in the bath tub. When she left in 5th grade we became best friends. I invited Amanda to my freshman year birthday because a friend liked her brother and I didn’t know who she was.
22.I did gymnastic for 12 years. The only part of it I enjoyed was tumbling. I literally would close my eyes, move my body, and somehow land. It was awesome.
23. I want to write a memoir of my life and have it published when I die. I don’t want people to discuss it while I’m alive.
24. I absolutely love that one day I will get to tell my grandchildren I was a sex ed teacher.
25. I want 5 kids. I’m pre-disposed to have twins and I want to adopt an Asian baby. I might get more than 5!

confined moments of calm in my head

I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of calm right now. Overwhelming describing calm, kinda makes me laugh. These moments are few and far between these days, so I have to appreciate them as they come. The calm before the storm is coming and I'm trying my hardest to not think about all that is going to happen in the next coming months. This break is the first time in a long while that my day hasn't been written in lists and measured by how many of those things were crossed off in accomplishment.

I was thinking about school today and how still, at the age of 23, we go around the room and introduce ourselves on the first day of a new class. This time I get to say, "I'm in the 2 year program, and I am graduating in May." I guess it's slowly happening, ending this stage in my life and preparing for the next. It's weird, because I remember a year and a half ago, laying in this same bed wanting to move to Cleveland so bad and start something new. I've done a lot of shaping myself over this time. I think the biggest change is my independence. Senior year at UD my favorite professor had us do this exercise about something we wanted to accomplish when we graduated and mine was become independent. It's scary how quickly that become a reality.

Normally I hate change and the uneasy feeling I get not knowing what is going to happen next, but right now this stage of limbo is comforting. For once in my life I don't have a plan, okay I have like 17 plan depending, but it's out of my control. It's liberating. And it allows me to scare myself in a sickening good way. 

I wonder if fate exists. Sometimes I think that life is playing these funny tricks on me but in the end it's so going to be worth it. Like one day you just wake up and get it. At times I want that understanding, that carefully tweaked plan that makes complete sense to me. But then there's those days where you get up with no agenda and end up having some of the best moments of your life. 

I think I'm starting to discover myself.

dip, divulge

I sit here, in my parents' house, on a Friday night. It's my parents house, not my own, because while some of my belongings still exist between these walls, I know longer feel as though it is my place anymore. It's amazing how fast time, and life, can change you.

I've been back less than two days and I'm already reaping in the benefits of not being a responsible adult. When I think about my friends who are married right now it really scares me. Plus, who doesn't want to be spoiled by their parents for a couple of weeks during the holiday season? I'd love to find a guy who could provide me with the lifestyle I'm living under this roof. 

It's just a necessary break. From school, from interning, from work, from my mind. I get an entire month, well 3 more weeks, to wake and up do whatever I want. While most of that freedom will be spent becoming friends-with-benefits with my bed and convincing myself that playing guitar hero constitutes as exercise, I still have the ability to choose how I will spend the next glorious weeks. 

I went to the library today and wandered in and out of the aisles of books, trying to decide what my interests were in.  It's been a long while since I've been able to decide what I am interested in and there was an overwhelming sense of calm when I realized how many people probably felt the same jumble and jargon in their heads and put those thoughts in words for others to take a glimpse of. I've settled on books of "truth." The personal genre I've made up for my interests at the moment. Books about real-stories. College memoirs, psychological disorders, people reflecting back on complicated times in their lives and how they moved on from them to live a normal life. Seems pretty fitting, right?

You know when you see a pool and you want to dive right into it? Some people take that plunge right into the water, not knowing what they are going to feel when they hit the surface. I'm not one of those people. I put my big toe in, follow by the foot, leg, and if you're lucky I get paranoid that people think I'm overanalyzing the ratio of pool temperature to air temperature and just go for it. Well I'm going to stay consistent and bring that metaphor into my life for the next couple of weeks. Divulge into some new things, at a steady pace, and see if one pulls me in enough to stay for a while. If what I'm saying doesn't make sense to you right now, I've succeeded. 

I'll be posting a lot this break. Writing is that one thing that radiates the life back into me. And it's something I do just for myself. Until then, I leave you with this quote. I'm hoping it will bring some psychological and philosophical insight to my life in the near future.

"The idea of traumatic loss and how do people manage life after loss, and what is the difference between someone who falls into depression and someone who finds joy and an optimistic space. The answer I discovered is purpose." - Will Smith, on his character in Seven Pounds

nostalgia

My line of work relies heavily on good communication and thinking.  I think way too much and I often don't communicate how I feel.

Have you ever had something way so heavily on you that it starts to consume you? I've allowed my mind to get out of control and it's slowly breaking me down.

I'm learning to never assume. 

The Divide

My life has been so overwhelmingly busy that I haven't really had time to sit down and put my thoughts together.  While I'm constantly conjuring up different thoughts and feelings in my head, I'm not able to verbalizing them in a cathartic way and it's starting to add more stress on my life. The clocks ticking and I have deadlines, both physical and theoretical, and I just need to pause and allow myself some room to breathe so I don't overlook something and allow myself to get caught up in a life I know longer own.

Balancing an internship (which I adore and slightly obsess over) where I am pretty much a staff member, a Master's education with a full time school load, and PhD applications is finally getting to me.  My life is put in these little boxes where I have to schedule what I need to do in order to make sure it gets done.  Basically if you're not in my planner, there's a good chance I've lost all communication with you.  It's this unbalanced feeling of maintaining relationships with the people closest to me (or at least were in the past, but now we are growing up and changing, and those ties are becoming broken) and setting myself up for a future that is truly going to make me feel accomplished and passion-driven.  

I've become a most established social worker in the fact that I am comfortable with what I am doing now and I'm really coming to understand the theories and how to apply them to my work.  This would be great, except now it's conflicting with my relationships.  Whereas before I would constantly listen to my friends and help them with various things going on, now my mind goes to "well they are experiencing this as a result of this so they should do this." I just feel like I can't even help a friend anymore, whatever I want to say almost sounds condescending. 

In my human sexuality class we learned about how when people are in relationships (partnerships, but I apply this to friendships as well) they know what the other person likes.  If they are not giving this to the person, they figure they are going somewhere else to get it, because in their relationship it has always been a huge factor.  For instance, if you are not having sex, but you know your partner loves sex, you assume that they are cheating on you. Well I've kind of applied that theory to my own life, in the fact that I'm loosening ties with a lot of friends.  Whereas before I had so much time to catch up when them now I'm just.  However, instead of being worried that they are become friends with someone else (which I am not saying is a bad thing, I want everyone to be friends with everyone) I get these huge anxiety attacks where I feel like my friends are mad at me because they don't want to be a part of my life anymore. When in reality this sounds ridiculous, for some reason my mind is always thinking things like this. Just another thing I worry about that has no basis or reasoning behind it.

I'm also coming to a turning point where I'm trying to fight between two different sides that I have.  One is telling me to tell the world to fuck off, if people don't like me then it is there problem.  The other yearns for acceptance from others, because really no one wants to be rejected.  I want to step out of my comfort zone and take some leaps to see where I will go, but then I am afraid of failing and loosing who I was altogether.  And as always I love my freedom that I have become accustomed too, but I am in need of a partner who I can come to at the end of the day and make me realize that this is just life, and it will all be okay.  I wish it were easier to find someone who makes you happy, enjoys your quirks, accepts you for who you are, is able to communicate, and it able to show you compassion and care.  I guess that is kind of a lot to ask for though, huh?

If anything at all I have to allow myself to take more time to get these thoughts out.  Maybe someone will read them someday and be able to relate. I guess that's what it all really comes down to. 

what am i doing?

I feel like my life is scattered at the moment, as in things are all over the place and I don't really know what I am doing. I keep telling myself the next 11 months don't really matter because I'm just truckin' it along, finishing my master's, and getting ready for the next step. Somehow things will fall into place, they always do. It's actually pretty amusing that when I look back on everything all the worrying I did was unnecessary.  Next year at this time I will either be preparing for my doctorate or in the real world with a job. I really enjoy not knowing where I am going to be or what I am going to be doing, I just hope it's a big change. I'm ready for something new.

I've had too much time to think recently, which has continued the cycle of me overanalyzing myself.  Since I've moved to Cleveland I've changed. I'm not sure if it's the independence or the social work, but something has caused me to grow up and really get to know myself.  I've realized that I've become a pretty nice person, which would be a good thing, if it didn't mean I let people walk all over me.  I think I'm scared of conflict, scared of rejection from people, so I hold back a lot of what I am thinking and feeling.  I'm allowing people to say things to me and I just brush it off, which I find a lot easier than starting a pointless argument.  

I read  "A New Earth" as suggested and I thought 75% of it was bs. It got to the point where I was just reading it to get through it, but once in a while I would stumble across something that I really did enjoy.  If I got anything from reading it it was that you have to live in the moment and understand that only you can control your actions.  Everyone around you is doing something different and you're not always going to like it, but you have the choice to decide how to handle that.  I could spend my time being mad, resenting people for things, and overanalyzing situations, or I could step back, decide what options I have, and choose what is best for me. 

I've also realized that I have put a huge wall around myself and I'm not allowing anyone in.  There are very few people that I open up to and even my closest friends I hold a lot of things back from. I guess it's because I don't want to get criticized for my choices and I don't want to be lectured. I'm old enough to make my own decisions and live with those consequences. 

Another thing I realized is that I complain about not being able to meet a guy in Cleveland, however whenever I'm visiting friends for a weekend I meet someone I could really like. Or I find a guy in Cleveland who just so happens to live in a city hundreds of miles away.  I'm pretty sure I am doing this because I don't want to meet anyone that I can like. First, I'm moving in less than a year, so I don't want to start a relationship and then pack up and leave right when things get serious.  Also, I don't want to subject myself to the chance of getting hurt. Finally when the wounds are almost mended, I don't want to open them back up.

I'm pretty sure some of the choices I am making right now I am going to kick myself for later, but I'm just going with it. Not questioning it, not overanalyzing it, not wondering why it is happening and if there are deeper meanings underneath. I'm just hoping it can stay this way and not get complicated. 

You can't get hurt if you don't put feelings into it, right?

sunday nights alone

Have you ever had a feeling that you can't put into words? It fills your head and your heart it consumes you, yet you don't know what to do with it.

The way things work out in my life are somewhat humorous. Just when I think I have things together something I would never expect happens. And here I am, this thought on my mind, no idea what to do with it. Do I take the risk and open myself up to figure out what exactly it is that I am feeling? Or is this beating a dead horse? I mean, I don't know how many times I can set myself up to get hurt and say it will be different when it never is, but I just have this feeling. Like it's the right thing to do. In all the fucked-up-ness this is right, whatever it is. And no one else gets it. But we do. 

I guess just writing that made me feel a little bit better. I need to write more, really write. And I need to find some things to be passionate about. Somehow searching for doctoral programs and studying for the GRE are not my forte. But I've developed a new love of the gym to get negative energy out. I'm just ready for August and being able to do something I really care about.  Summer and all this free time just give me way too much time to think.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life at all, yet I always find something to worry about. It's like I can't allow myself to be truly happy and I don't know why.

screwed

If you haven't seen Sex & the City and you don't want the ending ruined, don't read this.

I've recently had the chance to hang out with friends from different points in my life all within a very close time frame.  One of the things that this has helped me realize is how much I have changed and how people's perspectives of me, especially how I was 5 or 6 years ago, have completely changed. One of my friends from high school had a bridal shower this past weekend and all of our high school friends got back together. We were talking about who would be the next to be married, who would be the first to have kids, who would be what kind of mom, etc. I fell into the category of a mom would would throw her kids onto someone else and my life would be a complete mess. I don't blame my friends for saying this, because in high school that is definitely who I would have been. The sad thing is, I think my friends still think of me this way because they don't know who I am anymore. But then it makes me think that most people in my life don't really know who I am.

I'm coming to a point in my life where there is so much going on. I feel like I'm about to have a quarter-life crisis making decision that are going to affect where I end up spending a significant portion of my life at. I've been really lucky that all the major life choices I have made have been successful, but it leaves me thinking that I could have missed out on something. I guess you can't really spend time thinking about "what ifs" because it would consume your life, but a part of me can't handle it.

Sex & the City is successful, in my opinion, because a lot of girls feel like they can relate to the characters. These four women are designed to represent the four different types of personalities women have, especially when in relationships.  While I love the show and I loved the movie, I think the ending was bullshit. When people in the theatre were clapping I wanted to get up and leave.  I'm going to sound like an extreme feminist right now which is not my intent, but I don't believe that if a guy leaves you at the altar, after fucking you over several times in the past, you should take him back. But since everyone in the world enjoyed this ending but me, it makes me contemplate.

Maybe every person really does have one person that truly understands them and they feel like they are meant to be with, no matter how bad they screw them over.  It's like yeah, you ruined my life, but I'd rather be miserable with you, than miserable knowing that it is over and you are no longer a part of my life.  It's like the end of a breakup, when you make the list of pros and cons of the person, and since you just broke up the cons are much longer, but you look at the pros and then rip up the list and wish that you were still with the person. 

How do you know when things have gone too far? 

Personally, I've adapted this new thing of pointing out the flaws of every single guy that I meet and rationalizing that I shouldn't be with them because of those flaws. Not to say that there is a perfect guy, but the type of guy I want to be with doesn't exist. I don't have very high expectations, I'm just annoyed easily. 

I still am at a point in my life where I don't want to fall in love, I just want to be around someone who understands me. Unfortunately, based on my history, that person will screw me over.

ramblings

I haven't written in a while for a few reasons. Mainly because an uncanny number of people have told me they read this and really enjoy the honesty in it, which scares the hell out of me because I don't want to be judged. I want my experiences to help others adjust to theirs, but when that means criticism is involved it takes on an entire new level and meaning. I'm not good with vulernability, big surprise.

The last month of my life has been an overwhelming mix of emotions. Ups and down like most go through, but for some reason, I can't put all of the feelings I've experienced into words. So, hopefully the bottle of margarita I just killed can do something for me.

It's offically summer and I am offically half way done with my Master's. I survived and along the way met some amazing people and did some things I never thought I'd have the balls to do. I stepped out of my comfort zone which is a huge obstacle for me. Surprisingly it has led me to good things. I feel like I'm finally fitting into my life. I like living in Cleveland, I love the people I have surrounded myself with, and overall I have just been happy.

Recently, a new motto was adapted: "Live life." Simple and some may even call it cliche, but if you think about it, it's true. To me, living life means doing things that are in the back of my head but I never do them. Walking up to the cute stranger at the bar and starting a conversation, pushing yourself at the gym even though you want to go across the street to Taco Bell, sending an anonymous package to a friend because you know it will make their week.

Sometimes I don't understand humanity. I mean, we've done all of these amazing things over time, we are obviously creative and inventing and loving, so why don't we spread it more? I just wish more people did the little things, that take minimal effort but mean the world to someone else. Displacing love wherever we can put it and hoping it comes back to us one day.

I've already mentioned alcohol and Taco Bell, my two weaknesses, but here are some more truths about me. I'm one of the most sarcastic people you will ever meet. I turn most phrases into sexual enuendos and am the first to make fun of myself so others can't. I so desperatley want to change the world, to make it a better place, but I don't have the power to do it. I want to make people happy, literally, I would be okay living a mediocre life if it meant everyone I knew was completely and utterly happy. I've made some shitty choices in my past, done some things that make me repulsed by my own self, but they have taught me life lesson. Who I want to be, who I want to surround myself with, and most importantly that live is an inevitable series of events that we make the most of.

I hope that by writing, by devoting my life to social work, that by smiling at the stranger on the street, that somewhere down the line I will affect someone. We spend too much time focusing on the negative and judging the people we don't know, when there is so much good right before us. Take advantage of it, do something out of the ordinary, and I promise, it will pay off with due time.

Can the past be the future?

You know the scene in the movie where the guy and girl miss each other by a few seconds and it irritates you just watching it? Well, I saw someone the other day, for the first time in a long time, and I'm still deciding if it would have been better if we would have missed each other instead of the perfect timing.

I'm not even sure if they saw me, and if they did, they ignored me. However, I didn't make an effort either. I actually stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, like an idiot, feeling like I was going to throw up, and run across the street to them at the same time. But I kept looking forward and walked away. It's one of those scene that you picture happening and when it does you completely blank. And since I overanalyze everything, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and like situations.

When you see a person for the first time in a while the emotions are so mixed. If I am dating someone and I haven't seen them in a while I get really really nervous and have to let myself adjust back to the familiar feelings. This time in particular I realized that I am living my life, completely separate from this person who use to be a huge part of my life and so much has changed. It's like you are living in this world with other people, but you really have no idea what is going on with them anymore; it's just all, foreign. It really made me stop and consider all that has happened to me and where my life is going. It is like you are exisiting in the same place as them, but you're no longer existing together.

After visiting an ex this weekend I am beginning to think I have relationship issues. Okay, I know I have relationship issues, but I have more than I thought. For some reason, I spend time deciding if I want to go back to ex's, instead of realizing that ended for a distinct reason and I should find someone new. But the thing with ex's is when you see them you get that rush of all the old feelings, and it feels so right, and the idea of being loved and wanted is so appealing you want to get back together. Maybe this is just me, but I'm known for dating the same people, over and over, and I can't explain it. I think I tend to forget all the bad, and remember all the good, and I want it back. The point is, do you indulge in those feelings and rekindle the flame, or wait for someone new to come along? How do you know if the past is suppose to stay in the past, or if they are your future as well?

I think this only makes sense in my head and it is frustrating.

On a sidenote, I think missing people is the worst feeling, and I wish when someone missed someone they called them, or sent them a message, letting them know they were thinking about them. Wouldn't that make the world a better place? Knowing that people still think and care about you. I wish people had enough balls to suck it up and just go for it, just say what you think and feel.

I want to be done overanalyzing and just have something happen. Something. Anything.

a breakable matter

I've had a lot on my mind lately and no real outlet to put it so bear with me, my mid-life crisis continues.

I hate being such an analytical and reflective person sometimes, but I am, so I get through it somehow. In the big picture, my life is pretty good as I believe a lot of people's are, even if they don't realize it. When we don't have something we constantly have that reminder of the abscense of whatever that thing is, when in fact we are surrounded by so much that we take for granted.

I think I've made it pretty clear that I have a lot of friends that I keep in touch with because my friends are my life. I thrive on socialization. I have the days where I need my alone time, but 90% of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I'm so interested in the way people think and interact it just consumes me. I keep these relationships close to my heart because I depend on these people, even though most of them don't know it. It's the small things, you know? They make you feel loved, even if we don't want to admit we need it.

My latest reflection revolves around intimate relationships. In the past I've been known for my relationships, moreso, for always being involved in a relationship. I can't really explain why this has been the pattern in my life, but the best solution I can come up with is that I have always had a need for being close to someone. The idea of being as intact with another human being as possible is so appealing to me. Consuming myself in another person might be my way of staying away from the issues I have with myself. I'm not sure about this theory yet. So I made myself a promise; a promise not too many people knew about.

When I became single, I told myself I had to remain single for an entire year. This started through a very psychosocialemotional conversation that I had with a professional about where my life was going. In order to completely rid myself of the past, I had to take an entire year off to focus on myself. In short, this has been difficult. Not in the sense that I wanted to have a relationship with any said person this past year, but my extreme need for that closeness on a different level with another person. That inimate, giving of oneself to another. But now that the year is almost up, I've learned the type of person I want to be with.

The hopeless thing is, I don't see that person coming into my life anytime soon. I have this vision of where I need to be in my life to have a stable relationship, and unfortunatley that does not reside in Cleveland, Ohio while I am getting my Master's. As unrealistic as it sounds, I know that the person I want to be with isn't here, so I have to accept that my vow is going to be longer than anticipated.

In actuality, it just sucks, it really sucks. All I want right now is a good conversation with a person of the opposite sex. Unfortunatley, every male I meet in this city is a complete waste of my time, and I have figured that out in the first 7 minutes of talking to them. I didn't come to this city searching for a relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to have that human contact with. Just someone to lay around with, joke, have good conversation, and possibly nap with in my bed, because I finally have a huge bed, and I don't take up the entire thing by myself.

There's a lot more I have to say, but I am taking a risk in thinking Amsterdam will inspire me and I will come back with some amazing phenomenon to discuss. Until then, I'm relying on these two lyrics.

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
"Heart of the Matter" - India Arie


Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
"Breakable" - Ingrid Michaelson

time for some changes

I came to a harsh reality last night as I was driving 3.5 hours back from UD, hungover, with all the windows down in 35 degree weather. I've been letting myself get caught up in the idea of something that is no longer there. There was a period in my life where I was so unbelievably happy, I would wake up in the morning and think "Wow, I love being me." And I meant it. It's not often where you are satisfied with all the decisions that have taken you to the spot where you are at. And I haven't felt that in a really long time. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and one day everything is just going to fall perfectly back into that place; and it's not.

Some of those people and places and things are no longer in my life, and as much as I wish my life was like a movie, they aren't going to magically appear at my door and make me feel whole again. There comes a time when you just have to move on, completely from a life that you were so comfortable in, and make yourself a new life.

I've realized how much my life had changed in the last 9 months; I mean truly reflected on it. I'm doing all of these things I never thought I would be doing, and all I am focusing on is May 2009, when I will move to a new city and my life will begin all over again. Well, for the next 15 months I can't live in this fantasy would I've build to keep me protected.

Some changes are going to be made. I'm going to take some serious leaps in the next few weeks, and I can only hope for the best. But if I don't try, then I will never know.

that thing, that moment

i've been recently reminded of one of the best things about life: connecting with a person on a totally different level. i believe that there are certain people that are suppose to come into your life at some point, whatever the reason may be, and there is an instant connection. i'm not talking about sexual attraction, or seeing your future partner for the first time. what i'm trying to explain i don't think can actually be done with words. if you've ever had this connection with a person, you know what i am talking about.

in my life it has happened few times than i can count on one hand and the last time it happened turned into one of the friendships that i hold nearest and dearest to me. but that was about 5 years ago and until a few days ago i complete forgot about it. for some reason i had this happen to me again, in a way i would have never expected, but it feels so right. it's wierd, i barely know anything about this person, yet i am so taken back by everything they have to say. it's some wierd addiction, where you could talk all night, through the night, and still have so much left to say. i think it is what was missing in my life; finding someone who completely understands you. it feels so right to have this in my life right now.

i have decided there are 3 things that are very important for me to have a connection with a person. the first is a sense of humor. it is vital for me to surround myself with people that can make me laugh. that laughter that comes so naturally, and about everything. you can act awkward, you can make fun of the other person, everything can be turned into something to smile about. some people are very very good at portraying themselves in this way, and i am envious. one of my favorite things in the world is laying in bed with a person and having conversation that is filled with points where you are laughing so hard you are crying. it's such a comfort.

the second this is someone who is intelligent. this is going to sound horrible, but i cannot stand people who are stupid, and by stupid i mean people who do not have common sense. i dont need intelligence that comes from a diploma, or a well-respected job title, but someone who i can have a serious conversation about a religion or politics (gasp) and they aren't completely out of the loop. i'm a conversationalist. i need to be with people who can keep up with that.

lastly, and this one is the clincher, someone who has fallen in love with music. this is more important for someone that i would be involved with. i don't think i could ever date someone who wasn't passionate about music, and concerts, and discovering bands, etc. apparently my birth father was a guitarist in a band, and i believe that his love for music was passed straight to me. music just completes me. i feel like music has impacted my life in so many ways and when i find a good song or a new band it makes me a little bit of a better person.

anyways, i'm becoming more comfortable with who i am, who i want to become, and who i want to surround myself with. and it's an added bonus that i feel like i'm understood by someone who knows so very little about me.

i'm beginning to find happiness in places i didn't think it existed.

we can't go back

I have a lot on my mind, but no real substance. Just a bunch of unconnected thoughts that have nowhere to go and keep me up at night, forcing me to try and make sense of my day to day actions. I'm bored. Physically, emotionally, psychologically bored with the path my life is taking. Grad school may be tedious, but it's really not that hard. Intern, class, read, write a paper. The fact that my life is organized by lists and the insane amount of pleasure I get from crossing something off one of those lists really motivates me to stay on track. At the end of most days I'm not stressed and I just lay there wanting more; something more out of life.

How do normal people fall asleep? I can't just look at the clock, realize it's 11PM, and force myself to go to bed. Those urges usually kick in around 4AM, and that is only because I have exhausted my brain with ridiculous ideas.

Do you ever reach for the phone, with the idea of calling someone, but once you go to dial the numbers you realize the person you want to talk to doesn't exist? I'm have overwhelming experiences of this; I have so much to say, but no person to convey it to.

One thing I have gathered over the last month is an appreciation of the people in my life. We've all moved in very different directions, so when you are surrounded by that again it's a nice feeling. But nice isn't what life is about. What's that saying? Life is about the moments measured by something or other? Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for who I have in my life, but when you wake up in the morning and realize you are on your own, it's scary.

I'm sick of this waiting game. I sound very bi-polar, because every time I write something it's about waiting, or going out and doing something, or being sick of waiting. I guessed I've just reached a point where I want something more. I don't want to have countdowns to exciting events, I want every day to hold something exciting. It seems like too much to ask, but I can remember a time in my life where I woke up an was genuinely happy. I wish that place and those people still existed.

I hope this year brings new experiences and people. I've kind of passed the post-college phase and am onto the "holy shit I'm in the real world" phase of my life. I really need to go back and find the person I use to be. The one who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way. What I really need to do is come to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this life for the next year and a half of my life and make the most of it.

I'm ready.

maybe this year.

Welcome to my stereotypical entry on the new year. I hate the fact that once Jan 1 hits everyone decides to make these big plans for change in their lives, but I am one of those people. So my big resolution for the year? Well it, like me, is not that simple.

I've been having a lot of conversations with different people about how this is the time in our lives where we have a lot of freedoms. I want to take advantage of the fact that I have nothing holding me down from doing anything and everything that I want. The fact that most people I know have real careers right now makes me want to take a couple years to do things I may not get a chance to do. I'm not going to be able to accomplish this all in 2008, but it's a good time to start exploring the options I have for myself.

I'm going to start simple: explore bookstores and coffeshops around my apartment, find parks and trails and really jump into this photography thing, write poetry again, go to exotic restaurants and order things I would never think I would eat. It sounds stupid, but I really need to push myself to get out and surround myself with the things around me.

The only expectations I am holding for this year: have a ridiculously amazing time in Europe, put my heart & soul into doctorate applications, spend as much time with my family and friends as possible, and try to stay positive.

I'll try to write something insightful next time.

Hope for the hopeless

I found this quote the other day and I would like to share it.

"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them."

I feel like this is the answer to several questions that I have about life. As always, I am finding myself contemplating why exactly I was put on this earth, and what purpose, if any, I have in living my life. You know the really peppy people that talk about how life is a gift and they try and live every day to the fullest? Well, I don't think there are enough things in life to make me happy about living every day, and I know that is selfish to say, but it's honest.

For instance, I woke up this morning at 9:30 a.m. and stayed in my bed until 4 pm. Not because I was sick, or tired, or depressed, but because I had no reason to do anything else but lay in my bed all day long. No job or class to attend, no obligation to be at, no person waiting to see me. There was not one thing that I could think of that could get me to move.

On other days I have work, or class, or the mere fact that my roommate will think I am the laziest piece of shit, to force me to get up. But there isn't something that is extraordinary, or something that I am mad or passionate about, that makes me wake up and think, "It's a brand new day, what can I accomplish."

I had this patient, a teenage girl who found out 10 minutes before walking into my office that she was pregnant. Problems pretty much in every aspect of her life. As she was walking out of my office after our session she asked me how old I was. I told her I knew I looked young and her reply was, "I can't believe you are a few years older than me and you have a good job like this, you are doing something with your life."

When people congratulate people about graduating, I think it's bullshit. For some reason I cannot explain, I don't think I deserve to be recognized for doing something that thousands and thousands of people do every year. I also think that people who don't have the opportunity to go to school because of whatever factor, should think less of themselves because they don't have a piece of paper saying that they spent 4 years socializing and went to class when they felt it appropriate. I knew I was going to graduate just like I know I am going to get my Master's and my PhD. People keep telling me it is really respectable that I have all these long-term goals and that I know what I want to do with my life. I think I just keep going to school because I don't know what I want to do with my life, and the idea of working behind a desk 9-5 is my version of hell.

I want to find something that I am so fucking passionate about I have trouble sleeping every night because I am so excited about the next day. I haven't felt that feeling in such a long time and it just builds up. I'm exhausted from doing nothing. I want to feel alive. I just want something to make sense to me.

And as a sidenote, I am so utterly sick and disgusted of people who bring others down. Someone told me that everyone makes mistakes, that it is part of being human, and there is a day where you come to terms with this and just let it go. The next time you go to criticize a person, remember this, because one day you are going to do something so unbelievably not you and need someone to pick you up.

If anyone could share something that they really and truly love and might be able to inspire me in some way, I would really appreciate it.

then you stand

I've had this new take on life the last couple of weeks; I'm just letting it happen. I've known I've said in the past I was going to do it, but this time I really have. I've allowed myself to let go, really just let go of a lot of built-up feelings. Not necessarily bad things, but things that were weighing me down. Surprisingly enough, it has made a huge impact on my life. In the past two weeks I have really been comfortable being myself. As impossible as it is to imagine, I've jumped a huge hurdle into not overanalyzing things. I'm just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me.

My latest thoughts have been about the loss of relationships throughout a lifetime, moreso in the friendship sense. For some reason I have noticed a steady pattern in my life of letting go of certain friendships, but there are a lot that have come back and mended themselves with time. This is an amazing phenomenon for me, because the thing that bothers me more than anything is losing a friend. I take my friendships extremely seriously and when that bond is broken for whatever reason, I honestly feel like there has been a death in my life.

I have really been lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I feel like a lot of people either have a good relationship with their high school friends or their college friends, and I have that with both. There is something about the people I hung out with in high school that keeps us together. Even though almost all of us went to different colleges, we have spent every single break together. It an extreme sense of comfort knowing that these people have remained in my life for so long and will continue to. They are the people that honestly do know me better than anyone else, and while it may come to bite me back in the ass sometimes, it is such an assuring feeling.

The friends I made in college were the people I always wanted in my life, but never had before. I know the best decision I made in my life was going to UD, because it made me open up a side of myself that I had never known before, but absolutely love. Its nice acting like an idiotic drunk, only to know your friends are right there with you. A lot of people told me that friendships would die after college, but here we are 6 months later, and I have kept in touch with almost everyone, even the people I thought I would never talk to again. When I am around these people I feel so care-free and not judged at all. They have seen me at my best and my worst, but they continue to love me anyways. I am forever grateful to the people who I shared those 4 years with.

Friendships change and grow with time, and the one thing I have come to realize is that they are unpredictable as shit. You never fully know a person, but things you would never expect to happen do. I guess that is part of learning who you are, when you realize that a person is taking away from how you see yourself. I've had some significant friendship losses throughout my life, even in childhood, which have affected me for a long time after. There's a point in life when you lose who you are, and I'm not saying it is the fault of the other person by any means, but you realize you need to take them out of the picture for some time. When you begin doing things you have been against your whole life, and acting out in ways you never thought possible, the only thing to do is cut those ties.

Luckily, time has brought a lot of close friends back to me. I guess that's why I'm just letting things happen right now. I have this year to not worry, and then I start looking into PhD programs. So until then, I've decided to take it easy. I'm enjoying the smaller things in life. Taking some time for myself, and spending time with people who I really feel are worthy of it. And that may sound bad, but I want to surround myself with people who are a positive influence on my life. It's a turning point; I'm done with the mornings where I wake up and am ashamed at my actions. I want to open myself up to the world and in return I want the world to show me everything it has to offer.

i'm ready

Why am I in my apartment at midnight on a Saturday night when there is an attractive, nice, funny, guy I met last night who is continuously asking me to hang out with him right now? Because I am an idiot.

I'm an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with someone and give them every part of me and then having it ripped out of my life with no explanation at all, no closure, no nothing. Like I am just suddenly suppose to be okay and move on with my life.

I am so fucking sick of feeling like I have to hide everything that I am feeling. I don't care what people think of me right now, I don't care how many people are going to bitch at me for publicly posting this for everyone to see. I don't care who knows that I feel this way, because I do, and I fucking hate that this situation will not get out of my life, but it won't, and I have absolutley no idea what to do about it.

I hate being in this city, I hate that everything around here reminds me of him, that the mall and bookstore next to me are places he took me to, that he drove with me around this fucking neighborhood after my interview, that his friend is in my class. He won't go away, why can't he just go away.

I just wish I knew what I had to do to stop feeling like this. I just wish it was all gone, erased from my memory, everything. I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of beating myself up over this. It's like I'm in a constant competition with my head. I just want my closure and my life to move on. I honestly just want to move on, and I don't know when it is going to happen.

I'm so sick of hearing people who have been in long-term relationships, and people that are engaged, and people that are married, telling me that my day is going to come. Really, you don't know me, and you can't predict the fucking future, so don't proclaim your love and happiness onto me.

It's just different. You are with someone for so long that they become a part of who you are and no one else understand that. Its you and them vs. the world, and we had a hell of a time fighting off that world, but it's something that I could never put into words, it something that no one else will ever feel or share, it was us.

And it's time to move on, it's been time to move on for a while. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be over it. But maybe this is one of those things you get over, it is a piece of who you were and who you are and you just grow out of it.

I'm tired and I'm lonely and I'm scared I will never feel that way again. Someone just make it go away and let me find someone. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, and I want to find someone and make them happy and them make me happy and be head over heels and have a fairytale ending. I deserve happiness, I don't deserve feeling like this anymore. I did my time, I'm ready for my life to move on, so just do it already.

we never loved ourselves so well as when we lusted after another. we hummed along to electric guitars and the standard "whoa oh oh oh's" and we drank each other under the covers... give me the strength to be widowed now that the honeymoon's over.

love actually is all around...?

Relationships. If I wasn't so burnt out from life right now I would try to write some amazing entry on the complexity yet beauty that relationships hold for people, but that will have to wait for another time. For the first time in my life everyone around me is in a relationship. My entire niche from high school has a significant other, my sister, my cousin's, most of my UD friends, and everyone in grad school is in a one or is engaged, or married. Seriously.

It's wierd, not in a bad way, but in a different way. When I went home last weekend it was all my friends, the people they are dating, and then me. Haha. I guess it's wierd because since high school began I was always the person in a relationship, and now things have done a 180. Funny thing is, I like it. I saw all of my friends, genuinely happy, in healthy relationships, and it gave me hope that there are good relationships out there, ones that work, that don't require constant effort, and I like knowing that all my friends have this happiness.

It is also wierd because for the first time in a long time I don't have time to think about relationships, except that hour before I go to sleep when I just want to have a really good phone conversation while smelling my sheets that still have their scent on them, or the nights where I want to curl up next to someone and wake up next to them and just smile because for those minutes all is well in the world.

I guess I'm just not use to this. This independence that I wanted for so long, I have it all, and I don't have anyone to share things with. The connection you have with friends is one thing, but there is something about a significant other that just makes you feel complete in a way. When things are so good or so bad you don't think twice about it, they are the first one you call. I kind of miss having that person to call, or moreso, being that person for someone else.

I know I am really maturing, because, another first for me, I am not settling. Not that I have settled in the past, but I've met guys, I've had people ask me out, and I'm being completely honest and telling them I don't want to waste their time. That sounds bad, but I want something real, and if it means waiting years to find it, I guess that is what I am going to have to do.

Maybe I'm lonely, or maybe I'm just really missing that feeling of comfort. You grow so close to someone, so attached, you know them better than you know yourself, and then it's gone. Picking up the pieces is a tedious process. I'm just waiting for something to happen in my life, not even a relationship, because I'm liking this freedom, but someone to give me butterflies
when I see their name across my phone.

I guess I just really want to know if I well ever feel that again.

Unpredictible is an understatement

If someone would have told me one year ago where I would be today, I wouldn't believe them. It's amazing the changes that have happened in just a year, and it really makes me wonder where I am going to be a year from right now.

I've taken a much better outlook on my life in the past few days. I am really luck to be where I am right now. Grad school, let alone Case, is something I didn't know if I would be able to accomplish. My internship is probably one of the most rewarding things I have done in my life. It's hard, especially emotionally, but I'm making a difference. Seeing these pregnant girls walk into my office and tell me their stories and want to do something with there lives and knowing a part of it is in my hands is sureal. I had a woman the other day say that I helped her in more ways than she could imagine and she felt a real weight lifted off her shoulders. I am helping people, and that is all I really want to do in my life. Make someone else's life a little bit easier. It is a real genuine happiness that I haven't felt in a while.

I've also made some really good friends. People who are passionate about the same things I am. It's wierd, because we are all going to school for the same thing, and everyone just clicks. I'm the awkward and random one and I love it. I feel like I can really be myself around these people and that is comforting. No one judges you.

I'm learning that people come and go in your life, and you really have to cherish the people that stay in it. I met so many people in undergrad that changed me, made me a better person, and made me realize how capable I am and strengths I never knew I possessed. Not being around these people every day just makes me realize how important they are in my life. I want to challenge people to not take for granted those that are in their lives. I've been doing things that I am semi-hesitant about lately. You know when you really want to do something but sometime is holding you back? I'm just going for it lately, whether it is starting a conversation with someone I haven't had in my life for a while, or stepping out of my comfort zone, and the truth is it really does pay off.

I've done a lot of things in my 22 years that I am proud of, and some that were not my brightest moment, but I'm not perfect. I'm human, I've make mistakes and I've done things that I don't think reflect who I really am. But I've had people stick through thick and thin with me and it's those people who make me want to get up and do something with my life. I've always known I would never be one of those people with a desk job, putting figures into a computer all day. I need to be active, I need to be an advocate for something I believe in.

I don't know where I'll be a year from now, hell I don't know what I am going to be doing tomorrow, but I'm finally okay with that. I'm letting life happen. You take it one day at a time and stay thankful for the experiences that you have had. Every day isn't going to be a great one, but I'm really trying to make the most of what I have each day.


Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.