then you stand

I've had this new take on life the last couple of weeks; I'm just letting it happen. I've known I've said in the past I was going to do it, but this time I really have. I've allowed myself to let go, really just let go of a lot of built-up feelings. Not necessarily bad things, but things that were weighing me down. Surprisingly enough, it has made a huge impact on my life. In the past two weeks I have really been comfortable being myself. As impossible as it is to imagine, I've jumped a huge hurdle into not overanalyzing things. I'm just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me.

My latest thoughts have been about the loss of relationships throughout a lifetime, moreso in the friendship sense. For some reason I have noticed a steady pattern in my life of letting go of certain friendships, but there are a lot that have come back and mended themselves with time. This is an amazing phenomenon for me, because the thing that bothers me more than anything is losing a friend. I take my friendships extremely seriously and when that bond is broken for whatever reason, I honestly feel like there has been a death in my life.

I have really been lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I feel like a lot of people either have a good relationship with their high school friends or their college friends, and I have that with both. There is something about the people I hung out with in high school that keeps us together. Even though almost all of us went to different colleges, we have spent every single break together. It an extreme sense of comfort knowing that these people have remained in my life for so long and will continue to. They are the people that honestly do know me better than anyone else, and while it may come to bite me back in the ass sometimes, it is such an assuring feeling.

The friends I made in college were the people I always wanted in my life, but never had before. I know the best decision I made in my life was going to UD, because it made me open up a side of myself that I had never known before, but absolutely love. Its nice acting like an idiotic drunk, only to know your friends are right there with you. A lot of people told me that friendships would die after college, but here we are 6 months later, and I have kept in touch with almost everyone, even the people I thought I would never talk to again. When I am around these people I feel so care-free and not judged at all. They have seen me at my best and my worst, but they continue to love me anyways. I am forever grateful to the people who I shared those 4 years with.

Friendships change and grow with time, and the one thing I have come to realize is that they are unpredictable as shit. You never fully know a person, but things you would never expect to happen do. I guess that is part of learning who you are, when you realize that a person is taking away from how you see yourself. I've had some significant friendship losses throughout my life, even in childhood, which have affected me for a long time after. There's a point in life when you lose who you are, and I'm not saying it is the fault of the other person by any means, but you realize you need to take them out of the picture for some time. When you begin doing things you have been against your whole life, and acting out in ways you never thought possible, the only thing to do is cut those ties.

Luckily, time has brought a lot of close friends back to me. I guess that's why I'm just letting things happen right now. I have this year to not worry, and then I start looking into PhD programs. So until then, I've decided to take it easy. I'm enjoying the smaller things in life. Taking some time for myself, and spending time with people who I really feel are worthy of it. And that may sound bad, but I want to surround myself with people who are a positive influence on my life. It's a turning point; I'm done with the mornings where I wake up and am ashamed at my actions. I want to open myself up to the world and in return I want the world to show me everything it has to offer.