In your weakest moment

I've been listening to a lot of CDs from the 90s lately; CDs that I bought because there was one song I liked on them from the radio, but now have grown into appreciating the music, and really have a connection to the lyrics.

My favorite time of day is post-shower, laying on the floor of my bath tub, listening to said CDs, and allowing myself to be free from all restrain. I don't know what it is, but for those minutes I am at ease with myself. Something as simple as the moisture on the walls of the shower can keep me entertained and I am content with the lonliness.

I want to make a dramatic change in my life, moreso my appearance. Not for the attention of others, but to make me feel more like me. I wish your inner feelings reflected on your outward appearance. I would look fucking sweet.


When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder, is there anything
I'm gonna miss

Let It All Out

It's one of those times in life where everything is happening around you and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. I fear change, because I find comfort in what I know. However, I've learned there are very few things that are actually what you think they are, and so I'm letting life take me where it wants to. No more planning, just trusting that whatever is suppose to happen will.

I've been finding a lot of comfort in lyrics lately; nothing new there. I like these ones, because they seem to apply equally to everything I am feeling.

Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At time I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

Misery vs. True Happiness

"You are my only source of misery, yet my only source of true happiness."

Ever since I heard this it is something I reflect on constantly, because it is one of the truest statments that I have come into contact with. That is exactly what relationships are, giving yourself to another person entirely, trusting them with your heart, and hoping that it will last forever, and if not, that it won't hurt too bad when it is over.

I'm a people person. I thrive being around a crowd, and I would be content sitting in a park people-watching for hours at a time. One thing I have noticed about people in relationships is that when two people commit to eachother they put themselves on a level different from everyone else in their lives. This person that you feels meets the qualities that you could perminently entangle yourself in is not only your partner and best friend, but your biggest critic and often times the one that, frankly, you put all of your shit on. You find this person that you feel is perfect for you, that you feel something for that you don't get from anyone else, yet it is so easy to constantly nag and bitch and act like everything they do is not good enough for you. They love you, unconditionally, with all of your flaws, yet that just doesn't seem good enough.

Everyone does it. I could get into a fight with a friend or roommate, tell them to fuck off, and wake up the next morning and we would be fine, like nothing happened. Yet when you are in a relationship and you tell someone to fuck off, that is only the beginning. It ensues into a fight, past fights, a list of things that you both don't like about each other is made, and you are hurt. You go around walking on eggshells because you don't want to start another argument, but this only ruins the communication barrier.

So than why do so many people want relationships? That feeling you get when you are with that other person, laying around, knowing you can be yourself and you are not being judged. This person has chosen you to be with, and despite your imperfections that they have realized they still want to be with you. Those moments, the ones where you are laying in a bed, sweatpants and all, looking at that other person, breathing in their scent, having their arms around you, a complete sense of security, those are the moments that make life worth living for. Love, complete and unselfish, giving and pure, the piece of you that has been missing is now found, and you have a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to want to make something out of your life, a person that you want to make proud and for them to want to show you off to the world; "yes, they are with me, and i couldn't be happier."

Love is life. That is the embodiment of my tattoo. Amore; love. Without it life is meaningless, and with it life is complicated. When we have it we complain that it isn't enough, and when we lose it, we struggle to find ourselves because we are in a sense lost. They don't want you anymore; you didn't just lose a partner, you lost your best friend, the other part of yourself, and everything that you believed to be real and true. Now where do you go?

I am so scared to love. It scares the fuck out of me every second of everyday. I build walls all of the time, hide my feelings, do things that even I don't understand, because I don't want to subject myself to that misery. I'm jealous of those people who get it right on their first shot, who don't know what a broken heart feels like. and who don't have to contemplate giving love another chance.

You can have true happiness, but you are risking misery. Is that a gamble you are willing to take?